


Hold on to life

by x3_NaWnOmSchnuff



Category: Pandora Hearts, ヴァ二タスの手記 - 望月淳 | The Case Study of Vanitas - Mochizuki Jun
Genre: ALSO SLOWBURN, And angst., Drug Use, Heroin Use, Homophobia, Lover Dearest, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of drugs, Relapse, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Astolfo, Transphobia, Withdrawal, based off my work with dasly, but there'll be fluff, but u don't need to read it for this, don't read it., if u cant deal with those topics, is this everything omg, mentions of self harm, methadone use, rehabilitation clinic, the major character death is a suicide, vomitting, weed use, weed withdrawal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2019-09-16 12:44:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 32
Words: 64,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16954272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/x3_NaWnOmSchnuff/pseuds/x3_NaWnOmSchnuff
Summary: This story depicts the slow recovery of a young man who lost himself to the drugs and got saved by another man who found himself in drugs.Nothing had ever gone right in Astolfo's life - his body didn't fit his mind, there was that phobia destroying his life and then there were the drugs destroying his life.After losing his family, he (involuntarily) goes into therapy at a rehabilitation center where he meets Jeanne and Noé who share parts of his story and make him feel welcomed for the first time in his life.[based off of 'Lover Dearest', but this story has slight differences, further explanation in Chapter 1]





	1. IN MY MIND - 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to this story!  
> This story consists off three parts. At the time I'm uploading this, I've already finished part one. (with...... 110 pages.........................)  
> I'm a quick writer so you won't have to wait long for any updates.
> 
> I highly advise you not to read this if you are triggered by the topics in the tags. And if you am and read this, don't blame me, yeah? xD I've told you.
> 
> It's based off Lover Dearest, but you don't need to read this in order to understand this fic. There are also slight changes, eg Levi isn't dead and Lottie and him have never met because I uh. Needed him for something else.
> 
> Anyways, I really hope that you like this fic!!!! Updates will be scheduled and probably every three days!
> 
> ~Schnuff
> 
> PS.: If you spot any mistakes I'm honestly sorry, I'm not native english!

It was a warm morning in May.   
The birds were singing outside, the sun was sending its rays through the window of the car, making the boy's headache even worse than it already was.

Five hours. It's been five whole hours since the last time he...

"Bianca, how are you feeling?"

"Well, like pure shit, thanks for asking", he snapped back at the woman, trying not to start crying right there. He needed it, fuck, he really needed that right now. His fingers were itching, that panic was too much, his body was too much.

“We're almost there.”

Great, he didn't even want to go there in first place.  
He wanted to continue like this. Otherwise his life wasn't worth it. Well, if he didn't want to do this anymore, he could just commit suicide.

Shit, he really needed some weed.

It wasn't as if he accidentally got into it.  
He had done that on full purpose after all.

The woman from the orphanage parked and got out of the car.

The boy however stayed seated. Only minutes were between his weed and his death.  
And oh, he would rather die than stop tasting that sweetness.

“Come on, Bianca. You will get help here.”

Gritting his teeth at that name and at the content of the sentence, he stood up, grabbed his rucksack and just walked towards the entrance.

“Hey, wait...!”

“No”, he said, adjusting the white skirt to not make more of his legs available to see.  
He hated wearing that.  
He had always hated wearing skirts.

He opened the door and immediately smelled antiseptic. And... flowers? Why flowers? This was a rehabilitation center, not a flower shop.  
He walked towards the receptionist.

“Well, I... I'm here.”

“Could you lease be more polite?”, the woman from the orphanage begged, but the receptionist just smiled.

“As long as she doesn't puke on me, I don't really care. Don't worry, we are used to this.”

The boy nodded.

“Alright. I'm not here voluntarily. Just so you know. And I want her to just leave all the signatures so that she can finally move her ass away from here.”

He was so pissed off, he needed some weed right now. He just really needed weed to not notice the skirt and that bra and his trembling hands.

“Alright. Miss, can you please come over then? It's ok, she can go to the therapist alone then. The only medication we would give her are ibuprofen and maybe an anti-emetic in case she feels sick, but weed withdrawal usually doesn't include this.”

And oh, he did hope that. He didn't want to throw up. The thought of that almost gave him a panic attack. Most of the time.

He hadn't thrown up for eight years now, he wasn't feeling right now.  
He was going to be fine.  
Well, he wasn't hungry either.  
He just wanted weed.

“Alright...”, the woman grumbled and the boy just waited for her to leave.  
After fifteen minutes, she did.  
The receptionist smiled at him.

“Well, welcome then! I'll call your future therapist then, to get you for the conversation. Then I'll bring you to your room and one or two of the other clients can show you around then. We have a very beautiful garden, too.”

He nodded and sat down.

It took over half an hour for the doctor to arrive.

He seemed to be about thirty. There was already grey hair between the brown-blond strands.  
He smiled and reached out his hand, only to take it back immediately.

“Sorry, but physical contact isn't really allowed here because of bacteria and so on. We never know where our clients came from, you know?”

The boy just nodded again, surprised that that guy was actually nice and not a grumpy old guy running around with vaccinations.

Well, he surely had read too many books.

“Anyways, I'm Doctor Slide! Nice to meet you! You're... Bianca, right?”

He couldn't do more than cringe at his birth name.

“Well, officially, yes.”

This was the second time he was outing himself – his family had not accepted him.

“I'm trans. I didn't tell the orphanage about that because I had only been there for two weeks and it was... pretty catholic, you know?”

Doctor Slide nodded and just continued smiling.

“Alright, let's go into my office, ok? I can make you something to drink then. Tea always helps to calm down.”

Only now he noticed that the trembling in his hands had gotten worse and that his headache was still hell.

They were walking down a pretty long corridor with tons of rooms.

“This is like... well, all the rooms for therapy are here. Also the rooms where we have all the medication like Naloxone, Methadone... ok, and ibuprofen will probably be the only thing you'll need. And maybe something that helps you sleep for the first few nights.”

“Sleeping pills make me sick, I'm sure as hell not going to take one, but I could definitely need some Ibuprofen right now, this is hell.”

Slide held open a door for him and he stepped into a room, pictures were hanging on the walls, probably drawn by the people who had been here. And they were beautiful.  
All those paintings were beautiful.

There was one with an old man sitting in front of a bed, in the dark. In the bed was a monster, black, with lots of teeth, staring at the man as if it was going to eat it.

“That's a drawing a friend of mine sent to me. He said that I knew more about art. He didn't tell me the story behind it though. He told me that the guy's name was Rafael though and that he had been an alcoholic for years.”

Shit.  
Probably also one of those people who didn't get addicted on purpose, he thought, trying to not break out into sobbing.  
He just wanted weed.

“Do you think that's already the withdrawal or just a craving?”

The boy shrugged and sat down.

“I haven't smoked for six hours, I don't think it's the withdrawal.”

“Well, then prepare for it. It'll come in a few hours. We will give you medication of course, against the pain. If you decide that you want something for sleeping, you can still call us.”

He nodded and waited for Slide to also sit down.

“No, thanks. Anyways, what are we supposed to talk about here?”

“Your name first, please.”

“Astolfo.”


	2. IN MY MIND - 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh, this chapter is like... longer.  
> Also I have to inform you that it's now written in first person pov because I write taht better and because it'S more fittng than anything else for this story, believe me, hah.  
> (yes, this touched a lot of topics that I deal with too)  
> I hope you like it...!!

He smiled at me. Slide just smiled.

“That's a beautiful name.”

That headache.  
I was going to die right here. I didn't want this, I didn't want this.  
I wanted weed.  
Shit, shit, shit.

“Hey, Astolfo? Are you ok?”

I shrugged.

“I guess. No, no I'm not. I want weed. Like, right now.”

Slide sighed and continued smiling. He was making me so fucking mad with that smile.

“I know. That's normal. And it'll probably always be like this, I'm not going to lie to you. You're addicted.”

“Fuck, I know”, I grumbled and grabbed the glass of water on the table.

I didn't want to drink anything, I just needed to hold something in order to not think of it too much.  
Shit.

“Alright. When did you use the first time?”

“When I was twelve.”

Slide just gasped. I didn't know if he was surprised at how willingly I was giving him information or if he was surprised at the 'twelve'.  
I didn't want to ask.

“What made you use it?”

“My shitty breasts. I was looking for a drug to make me forget. I didn't want to use heroin or cocaine. I was afraid of that. I tried out dimenhydrinate because it couldn't make me sick, but the trips were horrible, so I switched to weed.”

There was no point in NOT telling him after all.  
I wanted to get out of here as quickly as possible. I just wanted to smoke again.  
There was no point in living without weed.  
If I got through this, I'd be out quicker. Well, emphasis on the 'if'.

“Wait, did I understand this right? You... wanted to become addicted?”

Ah, of course, that question. I had expected it.

“Not really. I just wanted the pain to go away and I knew that drugs did the job. I didn't care about the addiction. I never wanted to stop. It's not like it's really dangerous or anything. If not combined with alcohol, that is, but I never did that, so yeah.”

Slide looked at me.

“Astolfo. What about your family? Do they accept you? Do they know about the weed?”

“They died”, I said. There were no tears in my eyes at those words. Absolutely none.  
They didn't deserve to be cried about.

“But no. They didn't accept me. Or what do you think? As if I was wearing a fucking skirt on my own free will. They forced me into frilly pink dresses, shit, I hated that. I just hated them. Seriously, the killed me. They killed me more than the accident killed them. And no, they didn't know about the weed. Too stupid to notice.”

Slide nodded. When I had told the orphanage that my parents had ignored me most of the time, that stupid woman had started crying.  
But Slide didn't. He was probably used to far worse things.

“Ok. How many times a day did you smoke weed?”

The sound of his pencil gliding and scratching across the paper irritated me.

“Four times. I tried to not do more of it. Like I said, I got addicted on full purpose.”

I wanted to leave.  
I wanted weed.  
I needed weed.

“Alright. We'll stop here. I know that it's hard to concentrate on anything. If you ever need anything, tell one of the nurses to call me. I don't always have shift, of course, but my colleague Doctor Gerbel can also help you. He knows as much about addiction as I do, obviously.”

I nodded.

“Uhm... I don't have to go into a room with a girl, do I?”

The thought of that gave me chills. I didn't want to act like a girl anymore.  
I simply couldn't.

“I don't know if anyone agrees to that. I'd say we go to the rooms now and look for Noé. I bet that he's ok with that. He's a weed addict too, by the way and a very nice person. I'm sure you two could get along very well.”

I just nodded once again.  
I felt like pure shit.

He stood up and I did the same. We walked along another corridor and another.  
The walls were just plain white. Sometimes there was a painting on the wall.  
Slide held open a door for me and I stepped in.

It smelled less sterile here and there were people walking around.

Two nurses were talking to each other, a blond boy and black-haired man were playing a game of chess, telling each other jokes.

“This is station A. Station B is on the other side of the house.”

“Hey, Max!” I looked into the direction the voice had come from.

There was a man, waving at Slide. He had dark-skin and didn't wear a green t-shirt like the two nurses did, instead he was wearing jeans and a pink pullover.

Why did he greet Slide with his first name? Wasn't that completely inappropriate?

“Ah, look, that's Noé!”

The man came over to us and shit, shit, he was hot.

...Was I really supposed to be in one room with him?

“Is she new here?”

“He”, Slide corrected him and Noé looked confused for a moment.

He was standing right in front of me now and shit, he was huge. That guy was huge.

“His name is Astolfo, he's transgender and he's only wearing that skirt because he hadn't outed himself before this. He doesn't want to be in a room with a girl and there's still a bed in your room, so... Noé, would you be ok with that?”

“Of course! I can show him around, too!”

I started to tear up at how people here, in a stupid rehabilitation center actually used the right pronouns.

“Hey, are you ok?”, Noé asked, his deep voice had gone terribly soft and I sniffed and wiped away my tears.

“Yes, it's just... people actually referring to me with male pronouns and my real name and that... just makes me emotional.”

And the craving to smoke weed made me emotional too, but I didn't want to tell him. Noé seemed so nice and sincere and I was sure that he was actually here to get help, so I didn't want to tell him that I just needed some weed.

“Ah, ok, alright.”

Slide looked at us.

“Well, I'll leave you alone then. Noé can show you around.”

Slide raised his hand, waved, and walked back out of the door.

Noé was still smiling at me.

“Well, welcome to Station A, then! Do you have any other clothes with you or only skirts? Because Oz should be about the same height as you, so we could ask him.”

“Uhm... no, I don't have anything else with me, but do you... do you really think that's ok?”

Noé didn't even answer and walked towards the two men playing chess.

“Hey, Oz, Astolfo is new here and I know that he's wearing a skirt, but he's a guy, he needs clothes and you're about the same size, so I think it should be ok.”

Oz seemed to be the blonde boy because he raised his head to look at Noé.

He quickly scanned me and stood up.  
His legs and hands were trembling a lot and the man next to him stood up with him and held him a little.

“It's ok, Gil, I can perfectly stand alone by now, thanks!”, he snapped, but looked disappointed in himself as soon as he saw the hurt expression of the man.

Noé smiled at me.

“Well, Astolfo, they bicker a lot. May I ask... why you are here? I mean, I have to prepare a little. I'm really not good with people having seizures.”

Oz sighed.

“Weed”, I said, looking to the side, “I'm here involuntarily though.”

“I was brought here by my brother because I smoked three joints and looked dead, ok, so I didn't really come here voluntarily either, but I'm happy now.”

Well, he also appeared really happy.

Was I supposed to be in a room with a happy-go-lucky guy who was completely over his addiction or what?

Well, fuck, Slide, not a good idea.

“Well, Astolfo, weed withdrawal isn't too hard. Like, alcohol is worse. I've seen that with Oz.”

Shit, and here was the addiction talk which made me realize where I was.

“Can we please stop talking about that, my god? I'm gonna start again as soon as I'm out anyways.”

And suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder. It was Noé, so I shoved him off.  
I wasn't good with physical contact.  
It made me feel like a girl.  
Like a fucking girl who was just too weak for everything, who would die, who was so disgusting that nobody could even come near her because she was a girl, but wasn't a girl.

“We've all been there.”

“Anyways, come with me, we're not really allowed to go into the rooms of the others, but I think Gerbel will forgive me for that, I'm sure.”

Oz was also grinning at me now and walked to the corridor with the rooms.  
He opened the door to room '2'.  
He held it open and I stepped in.  
It smelled like cigarettes.

“Uhm, Gilbert, are you sure that that's allowed?”, Noé asked and Gilbert just turned completely red.

Ok, ok, that guy was hot too.  
Were all addicts that hot?

“Not really, but if you take away his weed, you can't possibly take away his cigarettes. That guy is hopeless”, Oz elaborated and Gil began stuttering something, but it didn't make any sense.

Whatever.

Oz opened his wardrobe and stumbled backwards, obviously still very weak from the withdrawal.  
Shit, would I look like this in a few hours?  
I already felt my headache becoming gradually worse and worse.  
I could bet that this was the beginning of the withdrawal now.  
And the cravings didn't make it any better. Sure, sure, Oz, Gil and Noé were distracting me, but I just really craved weed like air by now.

“Ok, uh... well, what do you want? I think I can give you two shirts and pants, probably shorts...”

I looked at Noé a little confused. It was May. Of course, it was warm, but I got cold so damn easily.

“You'll sweat enough, believe me”, he said and took the clothes that Oz had taken out.

“We'll go to our room now, yeah? Astolfo's rucksack looks heavy, I think he should put it down somewhere. I'll show him around him. We'll have a proper introduction in group tomorrow anyways. At least if he's not hit too much by the symptoms, I guess.”

Great, Noé really gave me hope for the next days.  
Gilbert nodded.

“Good luck, I'm sure you'll be fine.”

I shrugged and walked out of the door. Noé held open the door to room '9'.

9.

That would be my home for months now.  
Months I could spend smoking weed.  
Months I could spend with my dealer, buying weed.

The room was white, but Noé had hung pictures of cats and dogs, there were green curtains thick enough to not let any light pass through.

There were two tables, but only one chair, weirdly. The wardrobe was integrated into the wall and it had to sides called 'A' and 'B'.

I put the rucksack onto the free bed and stretched my back, only to notice that that made my breasts more visible.  
Shit.  
I crunched up my shoulders again and stretched my hands out for the clothes.

“Please. I can't stand this skirt anymore. I just can't.”

Noé nodded and gave them to me.

“The bathroom is right there.”

I didn't answer and disappeared into the bathroom.

I was in a rehab center because I was addicted to weed.

Shit, shit, shit, that was not going to work.

I would not be able to live in a room with that guy. Not like this.  
I wasn't ready for a withdrawal, not yet, not ever.  
I felt my breath sped up and I could feel my heart beating quicker.

Shit, shit, a panic attack was not the right way to start into this at all.  
I ripped off the skirt and jumped into the short, green pants Oz had given to me.

I didnt really like green, but those were men pants and they actually fit me, what a wonder that was.  
Shit, shit, there were tears in my eyes again.

I took off the black t-shirt and the bra to change into Oz' black shirt with the white sign on it, whatever that was.

It felt so good, oh shit.  
I looked into the mirror.

That was more me than the skirt.

That could be me, I would be able to deal with this, but the long hair had to get off.  
It had to be cut off, I didn't want hair that reached my hips.  
Tears were staining my cheeks, my lips were trembling when a sob escaped them.

“Astolfo?”

Shit, he had heard it.

“Are you ok?”

I opened the door and threw the clothes onto the bed that would be mine now.

“Yes, I've never been that ok. Well... you wanted to show me around, right?”

I just wanted to distract myself from everything that had been going on.


	3. IN MY MIND - 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: vomit, withdrawal, weed longing I guess
> 
> Anyways all the things NOé tells are things that I have done myself I am so stupid omg.

Chapter 3

I woke up.

Everything was wet. My whole back was wet, I was trembling, I could barely think.  
Shit, shit, what was that?

A second later I realized that I had already fallen asleep like that.

I was shivering even though I wasn't cold, everything was wet and disgusting and my stomach was growling.

Well, I hadn't really eaten anything.

Of course it was growling then.

I sat up a little in the hope that it would make the headache less.  
But now I realized that my stomach wasn't growling because I was hungry.  
I was sick to the bone.

My breathing picked up and I whispered a 'Noé' into the darkness of the room.

I was going to throw up, I knew that.  
I was going to throw up, shit, shit, shit.

The tears from noon were back in my eyes.

That wasn't going to happen, this was not possible. I wasn't going to throw up.  
I swallowed in the desperate hope to make the feeling in my throat go away.

“Noé!”, I screamed and his head moved.

“Yes?”

“I...”

I shouldn't have spoken.

I gagged and put my hand to my mouth and swallowed again and again.  
He sat up immediately.

“Breath, ok, breath.”

He pressed the red button next to his bed and walked towards me.

“Come, hm? Toilet is better.”

I shook my head.

I wasn't going to throw up. Not here, not now, not like this.  
I couldn't, I just couldn't.  
I bit back the sob. It would just make me gag again.  
He sat down next to me and rubbed my back a little.  
The warmth of his hand made me feel better.

“It's perfectly normal for your body to get rid of the toxic stuff this way and believe me or not, it helps sometimes.”

I shook my head.

I had to tell him about this, he was so worried about me. “Emetophobia”, I breathed out, pretty much sure that he didn't know the word.

But he could guess it from the context, so it should be ok.

That panic was insane. I couldn't feel my hands anymore, they were clenched together, I couldn't move them.  
Noé had noticed my gaze and he slowly took both of my hands and massaged them.  
My tears were dropping onto his hands.  
I was so sick, shit.

The door was opened and a nurse stepped in, already holding two boxes with pills.

“Is he sick?”, she asked and Noé nodded.

“Yes.”

“Astolfo, don't you think that it's better to maybe not take a pill?”

“He has emetophobia.”

As if my body wanted to show what that really meant to me, my body shook violently again, I gagged, tasted it, but swallowed it down again, my throat was burning, I began sobbing uncontrollably.

I wanted weed, shit, if I had weed it would help.  
I was sure that it would help.

“I need... I need... weed”, I sobbed and Noé put his hand to my shoulder to stroke it lightly.

“It's ok, it's ok, Astolfo.”

The nurse came closer to me right in the moment when I gagged again, this time without anything coming up though.

My stomach hurt so much it was insane.

“Alright. You have to take this pill with a bit of water. It's dimenhydrinate and works really well. I'll give you fifty milligram, we'll wait half an hour and if it doesn't help then, you can take another one to help you sleep. It's important that you calm down and breath right, ok? Phobias aren't nice. We know that, we had enough cases here.”

I knew enough about those pills.

“Just... give me...”, I breathed out and she nodded, opened the purple box and gave me the pill.

Noé grabbed the bottle of water and handed it to me.

I took the pill into my mouth and gulped it down with the water.

“Ok, can you two handle that? If it gets worse, just press the red button again, yeah?”

Noé nodded and she left.

I was so happy that those nurses were here at night.

“I didn't get anything because I don't have a phobia like this, shit.”

I didn't answer.

“Lie back down, yeah? That's usually better for the stomach.”

I nodded and did as told.

“Stay with me, please”, I begged, swallowing again.  
He nodded and took my hand again.  
Half an hour. I would have to deal with this sickness for half an hour until the pill would start working.

“You'll be ok. I was only sick for a few hours and Gilbert didn't have any problems with that, so don't worry. It'll probably be over in the morning.”

I nodded and pressed his hand. It was so warm and so huge.

“It'll be worth it, Astolfo. I know that you're not believing me, but being clean means the world to me and as soon as you're over the first week, you'll notice how good it feels to not be high. I promise.”

I tried breathing in calmer. The pill would help. Half an hour. I should keep myself calm.

“Tell me something. Distract me from this, please.”

He nodded, smiled and stroked my thumb with his. His other hand kept wiping away my tears.  
Ok. I wouldn't want to be in a room with someone else.  
That guy was perfect.

“As soon as you're better I'll lend you one of my shirts to sleep in that, ok? It's uncomfortable being that sweaty. Anyways... I'm supposed to tell you something fun, probably? Uh... I don't know if that can be considered funny, but my sister is in here too, but in the other part. I came here one day later.”

“Not funny”, I said, but managed to smile.

“Shit, what then? Ah, right. When I was still in school, we had a project and were pinning things to a wall, I put a pin onto the table and accidentally sat on it. It hurt like hell and everybody laughed and that was so stupid that I had to laugh too, ok?”

A laugh escaped my throat at the thought, but I swallowed not to throw up.

“Uhm... when I was a kid I put my finger into a plug-in because I wanted to see if it could kill me for real, I didn't believe my mom.”

I put my free hand to my face to give me a facepalm.

He was nice, but a dumbass, no question  
.  
“I accidentally read porn when I was twelve and threw my Nintendo against the wall and it had a crack in the display.”

That really made me laugh out, but it almost made me gag.

“I see, laughing is not all too good.”

My fingers were already trembling harder again because of that and I shook my head.

 

Noé continued telling me stories until I was slowly getting better. I wasn't gagging anymore. I was still a little sick, but I could deal with that. That wasn't too bad.

And shit, I was getting tired. I had sunk against Noé's shoulder and oh, he was so comfortably warm.

“The pill is working now, huh?”

My eyelids were heavy, but the trembling and the headache wouldn't stop and I had no idea how to sleep now, not after this.

“Astolfo, go to sleep, hm? It's only three in the morning, you can still sleep for four hours.”

I shook my head and weakly grabbed the cloth of his pyjamas with my left hand.

“I'll be sick when I wake up again, right?”

Noé shook his head and wrapped the blanket around our legs.

“Probably not. And if yes, then not that bad. For me it only lasted a few hours. And sleep is important. And seriously, be happy that that pill makes you tired. Get that sleep while you still can, Astolfo.”

I sighed and nodded. Right, Slide had also told me that insomnia would probably show up often enough.

“But... you will stay here, right? I can't... if I wake up and I'm sick again... I can't...”

“Sssh... you'll be ok.”

I wanted weed.  
I heaved my legs onto the bed and rested my head against the wall. The wall was much too cold compared to Noé.

“Can you... please stay... here...?”, I sniffed and felt tears again.

“I can't sleep in the same bed as you, Astolfo. I'll be right in my bed and you can wake me up, alright?”

I couldn't. I couldn't...

“Noé... p-please...”

He looked at me and back to his bed.  
I knew that that was selfish, but fuck, I didn't care.

“Alright, alright. I just need to get up before we are woken up.”

He was an angel.  
He climbed onto the bed and I gave him a part of my blanket and turned his head around towards me.

“Is it ok like this?”

I hated physical contact, at least under normal circumstances. But this was not normal. I was going through withdrawal and I had almost thrown up, I was having a panic attack.  
I needed that.  
I wrapped my arm around his chest and was reminded that he had a flat chest and I didn't.  
Shit.

“Sleep, hm?”

I huddled closer to him. He was so warm and I was so freezing cold.

“I'll... try.”

Not even a minute after I had said this I had fallen asleep.


	4. IN MY MIND - 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh yeah hi I'm here to upload another chapter I guess

Chapter 4

“Good morning! How are you?”

Someone had neatly wrapped me up in a blanket and for a moment and I had to think about where I was.  
Rehab.  
Headache?  
Withdrawal.  
Shit.

“I need an aspirine”, I grumbled and tried sitting up just to be hit by a migraine-like pain.  
Shit, shit, shit, that was not human.

“Is your sickness gone?”, the nurse asked and I nodded, trying to rub the sleep out of my eyes.

“Where's Noé?”

“I'm here!”

That sound had come from the toilet. Alright.

“You're already up at that time? You usually stand up an hour later than everyone else, even if we scream at you.”

The door was opened and Noé came out of the bathroom, wearing a t-shirt with a cat on it and shorts.  
He stretched and yawned very loudly.

“I couldn't really sleep. The insomnia hit me again. But Astolfo slept, I can assure you that.”

The nurse nodded and scribbled something into her notebook.

“Astolfo, do you think you can get up? I mean, it's ok if you can't. We can bring you a pill against the headache, some food and a bottle of water.”

I almost said that I'd prefer weed, but I suppressed the urge to say that.  
I should at least act as if I wanted to do this in order to get out of that shithole.

“I don't think I can, no. I'd rather stay here at first.”

Everything just hurt.

The nurse nodded, waved at us and left.

“I didn't leave my room for the first three days, so don't worry. After two days you'll get a lot better. And after seven days there will only be the cravings and insomnia sometimes.”

Shit, yeah, the cravings.

This was about the time when I smoked the first joint or blunt or whatever my dealer gave me.  
I missed that guy. He was the only person I was happy to see.

I looked at Noé and noticed again how damn hot he actually was, shit. He looked perfect and why did I even notice that?  
The headache was doing that to me, probably.

Ok, no. My withdrawal symptoms did not make me think that he was hot.

I had slept with him in one bed, oh god, that was insane.  
He hadn't taken advantage of that. In no way.

Not like the guy I had sex with when I had been terribly high.  
I had lost my first time to a random high stranger while being even higher than him, damn, how embarrassing.

“Astolfo, are you ok? You're kinda... uh, spacing out? Is it a craving and can I help you or...?”

“No, it's alright, go to breakfast, I'm sure you're hungry.”

He smiled, nodded and also left.  
That guy was hot and extremely nice.  
That was definitely another reason to be added to not wanting to be in one room with him.

 

In the afternoon I still wasn't any better, but Slide himself dragged me out of the room to go to group therapy and introduce me to all the others.

I didn't really want to, but I didn't have any other choices. Sooner or later I had to do this.  
So I sat there. In that circle of addicts and Doctor Slide.

There was that one girl who was grinning at me. She had extremely pink hair and her cleavage and her pink lace bra were clearly showing through the white blouse.  
And to be honest, she just scared me.

There were Gilbert and Oz and of course, Noé.

Another boy was sitting there too, he had brown, almost blond hair and looked... pissed. He also scared me.

The only person who didn't scare me was the short-haired girl who was smiling at me very kindly. I had seen her yesterday when the nurse had opened the door and brought me dinner.

Usually we were supposed to eat in the group room, but she told me that it was better if I stayed in my room with that headache.

I was also sitting next to that girl and next to Noé.

I was still trembling hard, mind you.

My chair was making lots of noises because of that and it was pretty awful for my headache.

“Alright, hello, people. We have someone new here! Come on, introduce yourself.”

Thanks, Slide. I didn't care about that shit in any damn way.

“Astolfo”, I said and the girl next to me looked a little confused.

“Trans”, I added and she nodded and began smiling again.

“Uhm, Astolfo, would you maybe tell a little more about yourself or...?”, Slide asked and I shrugged.

That headache was too much, shit, I needed weed.

“I'm fifteen.”

Slide looked at me and moved his hand in the typical 'go on' way.

“Addicted to weed. On purpose. I need another aspirine or I'll die.”

Noé stared at me in shock and I sighed.

“Yes, on purpose.”

“Astolfo, he looks as if you're going to get a lecture on that later on”, the girl laughed and Noé sulked and sank back into the chair.

Shit. I had disappointed him. Shit, but like, I really liked him.  
Oh god.

“Nothing else you want to tell us? Maybe your story?”

I stood up, there was a sudden wave of anger flowing through me, shit, I couldn't think.  
I kicked that stupid chair away.

“That's none of their fucking business, Slide! I don't even want to be here so just let me the fuck go!”

My breathing was going hard, way too hard so that the sickness returned.  
I was so angry and shit, I just wanted to throw something at a wall or at a person, but I couldn't.

Noé stood up and put his hands on my shoulder, but I ripped them off.

I saw that his fingers were bleeding because of me, because of my fingernails.  
I had hurt him.

I stared at the blood a few seconds and then I ran out of the room.

The corridor was so long until I finally reached the garden and I sank against the wall sobbing into my hands.  
I had hurt Noé. I had hurt the man who had held me in his arms all night, who had been there for me when I was sick.  
I was screaming. I was screaming way too loudly, my head felt as if it would explode right here, my stomach started hurting again.  
It hurt. Everything about this hurt, it hurt having breasts, it hurt having broad hips, it hurt looking like a girl, it hurt not being on weed, it hurt living.

I just wanted to die. That was what I had always wanted, hadn't it?

“Hey.”

His voice was still so soft, even though he was bleeding because of me.  
I had hurt him and disappointed him.

“Go away!”, I cried out and just continued to hug my body, pressing my knees into my chest, trying to just make it flat like it was supposed to be.

“No. Calm down, hm? It's going to be ok.”

I heard him sitting down next to me.

“Can I hug you now? Without you lashing out at me?”

“I'm so sorry...!”, I sobbed. I felt like pure shit.

I didn't deserve him. Nobody deserved him.

He slowly put his hands to my shoulders, then to my back and then he pulled me into a hug.  
He was exactly as warm as in the night.

“I'm sorry...!”, I repeated, clinging my hands into his pullover, trying to muffle my sobs in the soft cloth of it.

“It's ok. That's just the withdrawal giving you mood swings. It's ok, don't worry. Those wounds will heal and your body will also heal.”

I shook my head.

“I don't want to be here. I just... I just want to go home and continue smoking weed...!”

Everything about those words hurt. I had no home. I had nowhere to go.  
Well, I had the orphanage.  
But that place called me by my wrong name and was strongly catholic.  
I was catholic too, but not like that.

“Ssh, calm down first, hm? Breath in and out, Astolfo.”

I pressed myself more into him. He was so warm.  
He kept stroking my back until I stopped sobbing and the tears were only running down my cheeks silently.

“Astolfo... how long has it been that someone has properly hugged you?”

I shrugged and buried my face in his neck.  
Too long. Fifteen years.  
I had never been hugged like this.  
Never.  
He was so warm that it made my cheeks burn.

“I... Never...”, I rasped out, voice broken because of all the screaming.

He pressed me against him even more firmly. I didn't know that a hug could feel like this.  
I never knew that a simple hug could make me that happy.  
We stayed like this for at least ten minutes.

He slowly let go of me and looked at me.

Shit, shit, this was developing into a stupid crush. I should not look into his eyes.  
Alright. I was in a rehab and I was having a crush on my stupidly hot roommate.  
Sure.  
Man, that was embarrassing.

“Can we go back?”

I nodded.

“I guess... yes. I'm... ok.”

“You don't need weed to be happy, you know? One day we will all be alright.”

He stood up and reached out his hand for me to take it.  
I did.  
His fingers were as warm as his whole body was.  
He pulled me up and my legs were trembling again.

“You can hold on to me, alright?”

He put his arm around my body and I tried not to think of how I was seriously developing a crush. On Noé. On my roommate.  
Oh dear god.

 

When we returned, the girl was crying.  
I sat down next to her and looked at her more closely.

Her whole body was trembling and she was scratching her arm again and again as if to get rid of something that wasn't even there.

“Jeanne? If you can't say it out loud, you don't have to”, Slide said, voice calm, but the girl called Jeanne shook her head.

“I'm here... because I was raped.”

Her fingernails were still carving lines into her skin, her whole arm was full of of scars.

“It was... six months ago. I was... in a club... a lesbian only club, since I'm a lesbian and... there was that guy. He told me that he was there with his sister. I don't... I don't remember how he looked or what his voice sounded like. I only know... that he must have put something into my drink and it wasn't enough to make me unconscious... and shit, I would have preferred this.”

Oz who was sitting on the other side grabbed her arm and slowly held it away from the other.

“Oh... sorry, I just... I do this... to... deal with the pain... because then there's another pain and...”

Yes. I knew those habits all too well and I was glad that I managed to stop without any help.

“Jeanne? We're going to talk and find better solutions for this in hour next session yeah?”

Jeanne cracked a smile and nodded, seemingly not believing that it would work.

“Ok... so... he then dragged me outside and passed it off as if I was drunk... at least I think so. I don't remember everything well. I think that he pushed me into the bushes behind that club then and...”

Her breath hitched in her throat, a few more tears left her eyes, she was shivering harder than I was now.

“He began ripping apart my clothes and... started touching me and I wanted to move, but my muscles wouldn't and...”

She broke out into violent sobbing and Oz pulled her towards him.

“It's alright if you can't continue, Jeanne, you don't need to. That's totally ok.”

She nodded and sank back into her chair, trying to rip her arm out of Oz' grasp but he shook his head and smiled at her.

“Alright, as you have probably noticed, Astolfo is back! He can finally introduce himself a little more properly now. Tell them about your hobbies at least, hm?”

I nodded, trying to stay calm. It wasn't necessary to have another anger attack right now.  
That shitty weed, no, that shitty withdrawal.  
The weed itself was great, but the withdrawal was the biggest shit ever.

“I... like to uhm... play the violin and... read... mostly pretty old things, that's also where my name comes from.”

“One of the song of Roland books, right?”, the boy across the room who looked pissed said and I had to smile.

“Yeah!”

“Alright, then... everyone else introduces themselves, please”, Slide said, also smiling now.  
Jeanne nodded.

“I'm Jeanne, I got here about two months ago and I really like reading romance novels as well as uh, practicing my sword skills.”

And now everyone just stared at her.

“What, Jeanne, wait, can you tell me more about that?”, Oz asked, a little distressed and confused, like everyone else in the room.

“Well, I just always liked fighting things as a child so my dad bought me one of those plastic swords and that's how that started. It's fun though and I'm even in a club for that.”

I had to grin now. That really was cool.

“Well, as you know, I'm Oz, I really love reading and learning things and well, watching Netflix.”

Alright. Netflix. What else?

“I'm Gilbert and I guess my hobbies include cooking and uuuuh, smoking cigarettes?”

“That barely counts as a hobby, Gilbert”, Slide sighed and Gilbert shrugged.

“To be honest I miss my cigarettes more than I miss the weed.”

Oh god, maybe I should start normal cigarettes, at least they were legal.  
A lot more problematic than weed, but hey.  
Apparently everyone should better destroy their body instead of being high.  
Makes sense.  
Not that weed was healthy either.  
Ah, shit.

“I'm Elliot, I love playing the piano and reading lots of stuff, my favorite series is 'Holy Knight'-”

“Wait, you know 'Holy Knight'?”, I interrupted him and Oz stared at us, suddenly sulking.

“Elly is probably hoping that you're gonna team up with him and his Edgar-hating-squad.”

“Well, Edgar is a piece of crap, so I sure as hell am going to do this”, I said and had to laugh at Oz' face because it just looked too perfectly stupid.

“Alright, except for that, I also like doing sports, but it's not easy to do any sports here since nobody will give us the damn key for the sports hall.”

He was glaring at Slide by now.

“I'm very sorry, Elliot, but it's a little complicated because there's still the hole in the wall from when that Vincent from the other station kind of... tried to... destroy this whole uh... institution?”

“But Vincent is actually nice!”, Noé said, looking to Slide, “he's just... well, complicated, but I've talked to him multiple times now and he's super ok! It's just his life that didn't go well, not him himself!”

Gilbert shook his head.

“Oh, Noé, you're hopeless, you have no idea of how manipulative he was towards Oz. Also he's just... strange. I mean, he's even stranger to me than to the rest of us.”

“Stop, no gossiping in front of me”, Slide said, obviously a little mad at them, but great, now I was scared of Vincent.

Well, it didn't matter, I wouldn't meet him, hopefully.  
With another, unsure look at Gilbert, he pointed at the pink haired girl who was still grinning.

“To add onto this, I had a rather... 'nice' encounter with him...~”, she chuckled creepily and I really did not want to know what they had done during that 'nice' encounter.

“But moving on... I'm Charlotte, but you can just call me Lottie. My hobbies are, uh... probably make-up? But well, apart from that, sniffing some good cocaine and prostituting myself.”

Slide was pissed by now and I could only tell by the furrowing of his eyebrows.

“Lottie, he's fifteen, just don't, please”, Noé said and looked at her... angrily.  
Noé could look angrily? Wow... that was something.

“Alright haha, if you people say so...” Lottie crossed her arms and leaned back into the seat. The actions just caused the button of her shirt on her breasts to almost spring away.

I glanced away, that just kinda made me uncomfortable. Well, I was really damn gay.  
Shit, shit, my parents would have murdered me for this if I was a normal boy.

Well, what did normal mean?

I just didn't have a dick, that was it.  
I should stop thinking of other boys as 'normal' and of me as 'unnormal'.


	5. IN MY MIND - 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER IS 3500 WORDS AND I HAVE NO DAMN IDEA WHY OK.

Chapter 5  
I was sitting at the group table for dinner, but I wasn't really hungry.

During those three years in which I had smoked weed I've gotten o used to smoking weed and having my appetite because of the drug, and now, without it, I just didn't know how I was supposed to eat.

And adding to that, I had almost thrown up during the night. I wasn't sick anymore, but I really had to hold back another panic attack because technically I could get sick again.

Shit. No, it wasn't going to happen. That was only my stupid anxiety. I could eat.  
I should take it slow, yes. I would... eat. Somehow. Something.  
I looked at the bread, the sausage, the cheese and the vegetables.

Man, I really wasn't hungry, but I should be able to deal with one slice of bread, shouldn't I?  
I grabbed some bread and put it onto the plate.

“Butter?”, Noé asked and I shook my head.

“I don't deal too good with milk stuff, better not, I'm feeling shitty enough.”

Well, that was only half of the truth. Milk products could make people sick more easily, shit. I was so goddamn stupid.

Also butter tasted weird and I really didn't understand how people could like that.

“Alright then... cheese or sausage?”

I sighed.

“I'm vegetarian, so the cheese, please.”

He smiled and nodded to hand over the plate of cheese. Lottie stared at me in shock.

“What? But meat is so great!”

“I'm not going to go into this debate again!”, Noé said when I picked up some cheese with the fork and put it onto my bread.

“Wait, how often are you guys debating about meat consumption?”, I asked and put the fork back, but it fell out of my trembling hands.

Well, shit.  
Nobody seemed to care about that though.

“Well, you see, when Lottie found out that I'm vegetarian, she tried to talk me into eating meat every lunch and eventually Gerbel told her to stop but now she has a new victim, as it seems”, Noé explained and I didn't know whether I should grin or not.

“Jeanne, could you please give me the tomatoes?”, I asked and she nodded. I took one, cut it into pieces and put it onto the bread.  
Seriously, there was nothing better than bread with cheese and tomatoes and even if I wasn't hungry, I should be able to force that down at least.  
I was skinny, I shouldn't get even skinnier.  
I bit into the bread and Lottie just glared at me, raising her bread with salami on it.

“One day I'm going to convince you people to eat meat, my god.”

I had to laugh at that now. I usually got pissed at people who didn't like vegetarians, but the curl of her lips told me that this wasn't supposed to be fully taken seriously.  
At least someone managed to make me laugh.

Alright, I could deal with that bread. 

“Astolfo, I'm glad that you're eating now”, someone said and I turned around and looked into Slide's face. Didn't his shift already end an hour ago? Well, whatever. I shouldn't even wonder about therapists anymore.

“Well, I'm not hungry, but I guess I have to eat, right?”

Slide nodded.

“Anyways, we'll have a therapy session tomorrow at nine in the morning, alright? I will talk to you about your recovery then. And about your transition, if you want to, of course.”

The bread fell out of my hands.

“Wait, what, for real?”

Noé looked at the bread from the side, seemingly sad about it.

“Well, yeah, when you get out of here, you could technically start because then you're clean and then it's just one more year.”

“Oh my god, I'm gonna get clean.”

In one moment I hadn't even realized that I had said this, but I had.  
I wouldn't have gotten clean for a fucking trillions of pounds, but shit, I would get clean for hormone replacement therapy for fucking sure.

Like seriously.

Fuck weed if I could have those stupid lumps of fat removed.  
And suddenly someone hit me on the back.

“Ouch!”, I cried out and glared at Noé who was now looking guilty.

“Sorry, I just wanted to say that that's how you're supposed to think.”

Yeah, the parts of my brain that weren't addicted to weed thought that but deep, deep inside of me I knew that it was not that easy.  
Well, shit.  
I was going to suffer for sure.

 

It was three in the morning once again.  
I was not sick this time – I was just sweating a lot and god, I couldn't sleep.

Somehow I was tired, but somehow I wasn't and that felt really really weird.  
I just wanted to sleep to make the time go by quicker.

This was pissing me off. This whole withdrawal thing was just pissing me off by now.  
Seriously. Why was I even here?

I moaned out loud and decided to sit up.  
If I wasn't going to sleep, then I could also just sit up.

I propped myself up and lent against the wall. And oh, it was so comfortably cold that I almost had to cry at the feeling.

Everything was just too warm, so I threw away the blanket. It landed on the floor. Probably.  
I couldn't make it out exactly because it was too dark in here.  
I would be so tired tomorrow if I couldn't sleep now.

At least I wasn't sick.

'Stay positive, Astolfo' I told myself and in the next moment the headache turned up again.  
Great. The aspirine stopped working.  
If I was awake, I might as well ask the nurses for another pill.  
I stood up, as quietly as I could to not wake up Noé.  
He was sleeping so tightly and he was snoring a little.

I've always been annoyed by the snoring of my father, but Noé's quiet snoring was... calming for some reason.

I opened the door and closed it as slowly as possible to not make a single sound.  
I was feeling like shit, but he didn't need to know.

I tapped along the hallway to the room were the nurses were and knocked.  
One of them opened the door. Her name was Sharon and she was probably in her mid-twenties.  
She had only been there in the evening, but for now, she was my favorite of all those stupid nurse people.

“How can I help you, Astolfo?”

I shrugged and looked to the floor.  
I really had problems with looking at people for some reason.  
It didn't really make me sick, but it made me uncomfortable to a point of just wanting to die.

“I think I need another aspirine. Or something like this. Just something to stop that stupid pain so that I can at least try to sleep.”

Sharon nodded and smiled.

“Can't you sleep at all?”

I shook my head and continued staring at my feet.

“No, not really. That's probably the withdrawal, right?”

“Yes”, she answered, “this will probably continue for a while, so try to sleep whenever you can. Well... I'll give you an ibuprofen though. It's not too good if you take too much aspirine. Ibuprofen is usually a little better for the stomach. If you can stand the pain though, you really shouldn't take anything because... well, medication is not the best result for everything.”

She looked away now too – as if she had lost sometone to medication once before.  
But well, here were enough people addicted to prescription drugs, probably.  
It would only make sense that she liked one of the patients.  
After all I liked her, too.

“Yes, I know. I'm probably not allowed to take dimenhydrinate to help me sleep, huh?”

Sharon laughed out.

“No, sorry, but you absolutely aren't. We barely even give it out to people who feel sick, but since you have a phobia, that was obviously the better decision for that.”

I nodded.

“Then an ibuprofen, I guess.”

She nodded once again, turned around and disappeared into the room.  
I looked around the hallway.  
Pictures. Everywhere were those pictures that were supposed to be happy.

Well, Slide, fuck you.

No damn picture was ever going to make me happy after all of this.  
Sharon returned with the tablet and a glass of water.

“Just please refrain from showering now. I really don't want the other patients to also wake up. I'm so glad that Noé can finally sleep.”

I took both of these things, put the pill into my mouth and swallowed it down with water. Where it had touched my tongue, it tasted bitter and a little salty.

I usually tried not to take pills.

That was stupid. I loved smoking weed, but pills, oh no, evil.

“What? Was he such a hopeless case?”

Sharon laughed and nodded, still snickering when she had calmed down.

“Well, in the first week I always got the night shift.”

Oh, when she was already starting like this, then that couldn't be anything good.

“And you know... he just... well, he couldn't sleep at all so every time the others had fallen asleep, he stood up and came to me because he felt so lonely and well... we told each other stories about each other and... I mean, it was nice, but the stories he told me...”

She shook her head, completely in despair. Oh dear.

“And you know, well, there was that one story in which he got unconscious because someone threw a pea at him and he thought that it was a spider.”

I stared at Sharon for a few moments and then I just broke out into laughter, but Sharon immediately put her index finger against her lips and I tried to calm myself.

“Not really, right? Please just tell me that that's a lie, Sharon. Please.”

“No, that's absolutely what he told me.”

I heard footsteps and turned around to look at the man standing there.

“Gilbert, what are you doing here?”, Sharon asked him and he shrugged, seeming a little down.

“Can I really not smoke one single cigarette?”, he whined and Sharon sighed.

Seriously, I pitied her.

“No, you can't, Gilbert and I would say that I'm sorry, but I'm just absolutely not. Well, do you maybe want some water then at least?”

He nodded and just stepped inside of the room.  
I knew that that wasn't allowed, but Sharon let him.  
Half a minute later he returned with his glass of water.  
My legs were becoming weak again and I should sit down, but I didn't want to  
This was only weed withdrawal, nothing more. After all I was trembling all the time.  
I'd be ok like this.

“And? Why are you here, Astolfo?”, Gilbert asked and it seemed like he was trying to smile, but he failed.

“I can't sleep. I'm tired, but I can't sleep.”

“Yeah, that's the weed.”

Wow, Gilbert. It wasn't as if I didn't know that myself, my god.  
I mean, he was not a bad person, but he was kind of annoying and also kind of stupid.

“I know”, I snapped at him and this time I didn't even regret the mood swing. He was not Noé. He wasn't caring as much about me as Noé was.

“Hey, that was just a simple question and a simple answer”, Sharon said, trying to look me in the eyes, but I turned away.

“I know, I know...”, I repeated, drank the rest of the water I had gotten for the ibuprofen and then handed it over to Sharon.

“I'm going to try to sleep now then, I guess. I really don't want to end up like a zombie.”

I knew that I already did look like a zombie, but nobody needed to tell me.  
It was only a weed withdrawal and I'd be ok and after all of this I could start my transition.

I'd be ok.  
Yeah, sure. Ok.  
Ok was just a word we used to symbolize that we didn't want to talk about our feelings.   
It wasn't nearly ok.

I was an addict, I was in a rehabilitation center, I was trans, I had breasts and all those other parts that didn't belong to me or just didn't look like they should.

It was crap, everything about this was pure crap.

I walked away, not wanting them to see my tears, then I opened the door to our room. It was still dark, so Noé probably hadn't woken up.

“Astolfo, are you back now?”

Ok, ok, he was awake.

“Yes”, I said, my voice cracked away and was choked by tears.

He immediately stood up from his bed and walked towards me.  
He knelt down and reached for my hand, but I snatched it away when his fingers touched mine.  
A tear left my eyes and I just stood there, crying in front of him once again.

Could I even do anything else than crying in those days?  
Would I ever feel truly... good?

He didn't stand up but stayed like this.

“Hey. What is it, hm?”

His voice was still so terribly soft. I couldn't stand this.  
My heart was physically hurting. This was not my body, this was not my face, I would never look like I could have looked.  
A sob escaped my lips again.  
I couldn't, I just couldn't stay in this body, I just wanted to die.

“Hey, Astolfo, talk to me, hm?”

I shook my head and now my legs gave in, just like that because they were cramping, which was probably caused by all the trembling.

Noé held me up and just carried me to my bed as if I didn't weigh anything.  
He slowly put me into it and wrapped me up into the blanket, carefully trying not to touch me.  
And I was glad about this – I didn't deserve touches and I was also pretty much sure that nobody wanted to touch someone who was as disgusting as me.

But he always tried to touch me, just for me to pull back.

“Hey, what's wrong, hm?”

He put his hand to my shoulder and even though it felt weird and strange, I let him do it now.  
That was only Noé and I knew that he would never hurt me.

“Come on, talking helps, I promise.”

“I'm just so fucking ugly”, I whispered, not knowing that I was even going to answer him, not knowing that I would finally speak out those words.  
Noé just looked at me and began smiling.

“You aren't ugly, Astolfo, you're perfectly fine.”

As a girl, yes.  
As a girl I was beautiful and I knew that, but that didn't help at all because I just wasn't a girl.  
And I had always thought that I would look better if I was a boy.  
A boy who had always been a boy.

“I'm... not! No normal guy has breasts or long hair or...! Or that stupid ass skin or those feminine hands or...!”

I had to stop talking because I broke out into violent sobbing once again.  
And this time I didn't push him away when he wrapped his arms around me.  
I accepted it.

“That's bullshit, Astolfo. Just because you may not completely look like a boy, you still are a boy. Your looks don't change your gender. That's just who you are, Astolfo. And one day you'll be who you truly are.”

I shook my head.

“I'll have scars, forever. I don't want to... I just... I just want to look like everyone else, or just like I should look, I just don't want anything of this anymore, I...”

“Sssh, it's ok, believe me. I can't imagine how this feels, but everything will be fine. The whole addiction thing will get better. Can I... ask you how many cravings you had in those last two days?”

“One.”

“What?”

“One that lasted two days.”

Noé sighed.

“Not funny, Astolfo.”

“Shit, I just want weed, then I wouldn't have to deal with this stupid ass dysphoria.”

Noé pushed me away a little and looked into my eyes.

“Didn't you feel any dysphoria at all when you were high?”

I shook my head.

“When I was fourteen I even had sex with a random guy, naked. I would never have done that if I had been sober. Well, you can imagine why weed helped me out a lot.”

I couldn't read his face, he might be aghast, or shocked or even ok with that, but I just couldn't read his expression.

“Astolfo, promise me to never do that again.”

“Don't worry, we used a condom.”

“Astolfo, just promise me to never do weed again.”

Oh, that was it.  
He wasn't even talking about the sex.  
Good, I hated remembering that anyways.

“I can't promise you, Noé. I just can't. I never planned to go here anyways. I've never been ready for a withdrawal in first place. I've never even wanted to be here. Fuck, I've never even wanted to live.”

My parents had decided that.

What was up with the world anyways?

Why were two people allowed to just decide whether to make a baby or to not make a baby, when the baby didn't even want to live or when it was wrecked, like me, why did all those people in this world have the right to decide over that?  
That was nothing anyone should decide, but then there would be no humans anymore.  
And maybe that would be better.  
Maybe that would be better for everyone.

“Don't say that, Astolfo. You've decided to get addicted to weed, not to heroin. Weed can't kill you. You want to live. If you didn't want to live, you would have already done... that.”  
I knew.  
I knew that I didn't necessarily wanted to die, but I didn't want to live either.

Pure crap.

Why should I live in this world? There were no damn reasons to stay here and even though there weren't any reasons to leave that world that undebatedely made sense, I just didn't want to stay here.  
No damn sense.

“No. I've decided to throw my life away to that stuff instead of trying to please my family and be the daughter they had always wanted. I've disappointed them, Noé. I have no single right to hate them because I disappointed them. I became something I shouldn't be.”

Noé stroked my shoulder lightly and shook his head, not averting his gaze, always keeping his eyes fixed on me.

“No, Astolfo. You didn't disappoint them.”

“But you don't know fucking anything! I did! They even told me so! They told me that I wasn't worth anything because I was wearing boy's clothes whenever I could, they told me that I wasn't fucking worth anything because I wasn't the good student they wanted, fuck it!”

I looked away and bit my lip.  
My lip kept trembling and soon enough I tasted copper on my tongue.

Noé seemed to think about what to answer and after about a minute it seemed like he had come to a conclusion.

“You know what? I agree that they were disappointed in you. But you know what else you should keep in mind? That those people had no right to tell you how you should be and who you should be and which grades at school you should get. They had no damn right to do that, Astolfo.”

No damn right.  
No damn right to even give birth to me in first place.

“But-”

“No but. You know that I'm right. Parents aren't everything there is to life and certainly not parents that are like yours.”

“Were”, I said, “gladly they're dead now. I didn't need them anyways.”

Noé sucked in the air sharply and didn't say more.

“Well, I never knew my parents but even though you obviously didn't like them, I can't believe that you didn't like them a single bit either.”

I shook my head, still crying.

“I don't want to talk anymore. Just... let me sleep, please.”

“Ok... shall I stay here or shall I go? I mean, I'd be ok with staying, if you prefer that.”

I shrugged, but nodded a few seconds later.

“Yes”, I whispered and laid down, just to have Noé pull me into a hug again, even closer than last night.  
Warm.  
He was warm.  
So warm.  
I didn't sleep at all in that night, I kept thinking about everything he had said.  
But even though I didn't sleep, I was warm – maybe a little bit too warm, but warm.


	6. IN MY MIND - 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone knows where the 'Other people had dogs, I had a therapist' line is from, I'm going to hug you to death.

Chapter 6

“Alright, come and sit down, Astolfo.”

I did as told.  
Slide also sat down on his own chair.

“So, how are you dealing with the withdrawal. I heard about your emetophobia and we could also help you with this.”

I shook my head.

“Most of the time that's ok and I only get panic attacks when I'm really feeling sick and I don't think that this is ever going to change. And also I don't want to stay here longer than I really need to.”

Slide nodded and took notes.  
That was my first real therapy session alone and I already noticed that I absolutely hated being in therapy.  
I had to watch every damn word I said in case that they wrote it down and passed me of as, I don't know, insane or whatever therapists could pass someone of as.

“Alright. How are you feeling physically?”

I should try not to lie to him though.

“Like shit. I'm trembling and sweating all the time and that pisses me off. And being sick was obviously the worst for me and I'm glad that's over now. Also I haven't slept at all tonight and I'm kinda tired but also kinda not and my head wants to kill me too.”

Slide nodded and wrote it down again.

It made me angry, for some reason, the sound of his pen gliding over the paper just made me angry.

“Yeah, but that's normal, so don't worry too much about it. It's already your third day in withdrawal. Give it one or two more days and then it'll get better, believe me. The insomnia not though. But it'll get better, I promise. Noé is starting to sleep better now.”

I nodded. 

“Ok. Concerning your transition...”

I immediately lighted up and stared at him in hope.  
He laughed.

“Calm down, Astolfo. I just wanted to say that we have contacts to psychiatrists who you can go and see for a year and then they give you the testosterone letter, then you go to an endicrinologist and well, get your testosterone. Most patients do a hysterectomy at the same time-”

“It would be very cool if you could translate this word”, I sighed.

I've never been good at latin. Seriously, I should only have continued french and not also started latin because that was a full on catastrophe.  
Well, did that word even come from latin?  
I didn't know.

“Well, it's basically the surgery to remove the uterus.”

I nodded.

“You know, testosterone raises the chance of getting cancer and the uterus can easily get cancer, so it's a better decision. After half a year on testosterone you can also get mastecto- the chest surgery.”

I sighed.  
A few months in here. Then one year to go to a psychiatrist. Then at least half a year wait for the doctor that could give me T.  
Great.  
Two years.  
I nodded.

“Alright, except that that's a long time, that's really nice. I... how long am I going to be in here?”

Slide seemed to think.

“I don't really know, yeah? At least four months, probably. But most of the patients here stay longer. There's only one patient in here who I would let leave after three months, but I'm not going to do this because the percent of relapses are just... high.”

I knew that he meant Noé. There was no possible way he could even mean someone else.

“I'd bet on about five or six months for you, if you don't suddenly turn into the king of withdrawal.”

The king of withdrawal. Sure.

“I just want to finally start my medical transition, all of that shit was the reason why I even started smoking weed in first place so... I just want to get the source of all the problems out of the way.”

Slide was looking at me.

“I know that you're thinking now that when you start your hormone replacement therapy, everything's going to be fine. But you're an addict. You will get cravings probably every time someone even mentions the word 'weed' and you have to learn to deal with them. Noé can help you with that too, he managed to come up with pretty good strategies.”

My strategy was probably going to be smoking nicotine.  
Yay, changing one addiction to another. Great idea.

“Alright, I'm going to ask him.”

I wasn't going to ask him. I didn't want to trigger him in any way.

“Ok. Then let's talk about that incident in the group therapy.”

Oh no, worse than everything else.

“So, do you have... emotional outbursts like that often or...?”

I shouldn't lie to him, even though I really wanted to.

“Yes, but it's just getting worse and worse with the withdrawal now.”

“We will look more into that in the next session. Maybe you actually have some kind of disorder that could be treated.”

I simply nodded.

Normal people had dogs, I had a therapist.

 

It was already afternoon and Jeanne, Noé and I were sitting in the group room on the sofa, doing literally nothing.  
I was still feeling like shit. I just wanted to get out of here. It was not like it was horrible in this place – it was actually reall nice, most people were nice and it was cozy.  
But I felt trapped and well, sober.

I didn't like sober, I only liked high.  
Being sober made me feel my breasts way too much.

“Astolfo, do you want to cut your hair or not?”, Jeanne asked me, smiling and seriously, she was just really kind.  
I liked her.

“Well, I want it... middle-length I guess? Like this.”

I held my hand up to my chin and she smiled harder.

“Well, if you want to, we could ask if we can go to the bathroom and cut it now, if Amelia comes with us... you know, we aren't allowed to use scissors when nobody is around us.”

“Wait, wait, why do you want to cut my hair? Can you even cut hair, I mean, I don't want it to be destroyed!”, I interfered before Noé could say something – his eyes were already gleaming happily.

“I learned that for three years but then decided to become a tailor because I just prefer sewing over cutting hair.”

I nodded.

“Well... that would be very nice... I think.”

“Fine! Let's do that, then!”

“But, I can't be with you two then because you're probably going to the girl's bathroom, right?”

“Well, yeah”, I said, “I don't have a dick, so no boy's bathroom for me, I guess, until I properly pass.”

Jeanne laughed out and stood up then.

“Alright, I'm going to ask Amelia, wait here, you two!”

Noé was staring at me.

“What?”, I said, a little more pissed than I should, but I didn't really care anyways.

“I'm trying to imagine you with shorter hair, I mean, it's probably going to look better because you know, they're so long that they don't even look brown anymore at the tips.”

I had to grin.

“Yeah, I know, they're nasty. I haven't cut them in months, sorry. But I was thinking about dying them anyways, so... yes.”

“Ooooh, what colour?”

And again, he was amazed. What even was going on with that guy?

“Hm, I was thinking about like... something between purple and pink... and I know that that is girly and all and-”

“Astolfo, I'm wearing so much pink and purple, that's really... not a really valid way to think. Girls and boys colors are stupid. Pink was a color for boys before Hitler came, anyways.”

I kinda just shrugged and luckily, Jeanne returned.

“We can go, Amelia will soon follow and bring the scissors with her. I asked her to bring the one that's only used for cutting cloth because then they have a better quality than the ones who cut paper.”

I just kinda shrugged again.

“Cool.”

I mean, that was really cool, but I was so excited, that I had no idea how to even express my feelings.  
I stood up and followed her into the bathroom.

“Hey, Astolfo, I... had that very weird dream”, she suddenly said, “I was fighting against some shadows that... had my parents' names and somehow you were fighting against me and you were crying.”

I looked at her.

“And... well, you were crying, so... I just wanted to make you happy today and then I thought that maybe you want your hair shorter.”

I felt tears creeping into my eyes. Why was she so nice?

It wasn't that I was only a boy, I was a boy who wasn't in the body of the boy but... wanted the body of a boy because everything else just felt wrong.

I... was one of the kind of people who had... raped her.

“Jeanne... why are you doing this?”

“I don't want anyone to suffer anymore. And you're obviously suffering.”

I sat down on the chair she gave me.

“Jeanne, Noé and you, you're both too nice.”

“I know. I hope you're glad to know that you aren't, then.”

I grinned and laughed out loud.

“Yes, I don't want to be one of those... naïve and good persons. In this world, being an asshole is just... better.”

I was having deeper conversations with an alcohol addict than with Slide. Wow, would he be depressed if I told him that?

“Hi, I'm here. Sooo... I know that I don't have to, but you know, the rule says that I'm supposed to tell you that you should not cut or kill yourself with those scissors.”

Jeanne just smiled at her.

“Thanks, we won't.”

If I was alone, I probably would.

Amelia leaned against the sink and Jeanne looked at me.

“Are you ready?”

“Just don't make me look ugly, ok?”

Jeanne laughed.

“I'll try not to, don't worry. I'm pretty skilled at that, I just considered it boring.”

I nodded and then held still. Jeanne took a spray bottle that she had probably brought herself for cutting her own hair and sprayed some water onto them.  
She made them wet up to my cheekbones.

“Man, they really are long”, she said and then just began cutting. I saw the strands falling down in the mirror, they fell to the floor silently, as if they had never existed.  
I wished that they had never existed – it would have been so perfect.  
Every falling strand felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  
She cut them exactly up to the beginning of my chin.  
They still looked messy though.  
She stroked through my hair.

“Ok... do you want them like... straight or a little... mh, how should I say this? Well, everything the same length or not?”

“Everything the same first, I think. What about the bangs on my forehead though?”

Jeanne looked in the mirror more closely.  
“They suit you. I would let them stay just like they are.”

I nodded and she began cutting again.  
Just now I noticed that her hands were as warm as Noé's and that calmed me down.  
I already looked so much better than before. So much more like a boy.  
It only took a few more minutes until she was finished.  
She stroked through them once again.

“Finished”, she said and looked at me.

I couldn't really believe that I had shorter hair now. I just... couldn't. It didn't make any sense.  
I've had long hair for fifteen years and now they were short.  
Just... like that. In a few minutes they had been cut off.

“It's... perfect, Jeanne. Thank you.”

And then there were tears in my eyes once again and as soon as I blinked, they left my eyes and Jeanne looked at me in shock.

“Really? I mean, you're crying.”

“Well, of happiness! They look so much better than they did before, seriously, Jeanne, if I wasn't gay, I'd kiss you now.”

“I'd rather not want that, so... I'm not too sad about this.”

I had to laugh at that.

“Alright, alright, now that I think about it, I'd rather not kiss someone I'd barely know.”

“At least you two are intelligent”, Amelia said and suddenly blushed.

I looked into the direction she was looking and there was Noé, right where the toilet was, he was standing in the girl's bathroom, already raising his hands in an attempt to defend himself and shut everyone up who wanted to complain.

“I asked that other nurse whose name I always forget and she allowed me to”, he explained and now that he had answered my question of 'why is Noé standing in the girl's bathroom', I was left with the question of 'why is Amelia blushing', but my brain answered this himself with 'she probably has a crush on him'.

Wow, hey, and surely Noé would prefer a lady who was about his age to me, a fifteen years old kid.

Haha, ha. I was so fucked.

Suddenly he stepped fully inside and walked towards me, grinning from ear to ear.

“Astolfo, you look so good! That suits you so much bet- oh no, I stepped into hair, I'm sorry.”

He raised his foot and picked the hair of his fluffy purple slippers with a cat face on them.

That guy surely had a cat fetish, no doubt about it.

“What I wanted to say was that you look a lot better with the short hair than with the long hair and also I love Jeanne for doing this. I will absolutely help you cleaning up.”

“No, Noé, you won't. You should really leave now or else Lottie asks me if she can go into the men's bathroom”, Amelia said and we all laughed about that until we couldn't breath anymore.  
I didn't want to do the withdrawal, but I wanted to transition.

And for transitioning, I needed to be clean.

There was no other way out, then.


	7. IN MY MIND - 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't a really spectacular chapter and I have to add that it suffered a lot because 'I HAVE TO WRITE 50,000 WORDS IN TWENTY DAYS I'M GONNA DIE' (yes it was nanowrimo and I started it late, I'm such a dumbass), so prepare for a little poor writing heh... the next few chapter are the ones I'm really proud of though so don't worry it gets better

Chapter 7

I woke up.

Wait. I woke up? That meant that I had slept. Wow, that... was something.

“Oh, you're awake again?”, Noé asked and buried his head in my neck, pressing me against him.

Seriously, he was... crazy. Even if he only held my hand or touched my arm when he fell asleep, in the course of the night he ended up hugging me exactly like this, as if I was a teddy bear.

“Well, yeah. Let go, you monkey”, I grumbled and he did as told, rolling around to the other side.  
He looked at the clock on the wall.

“Oh god, it's only six in the morning and I can't possibly fall back asleep now.”

“Believe me, as if I could fall back asleep now”, I said.

I was just tired in those days. I had slept for maybe three or four hours in three days and really, that was insane.  
And I was still tired.

I probably needed a whole year to get that sleep back, seriously.

“I know... maybe we should just stand up and help Sharon with preparing the breakfast...”

He sat up and stretched himself and as soon as he was fully gone, it was just cold.  
I began trembling.

Wait... I hadn't trembled before? All of that shit was getting better.

I didn't need medication for the headache anymore. I never really cared about headaches, so I never took any medication for that before but the headache caused by the withdrawal had been hell, but now it was at least bearable.

I had slept, my trembling was getting better.

Sure, I still wanted weed, I still felt like shit, I was getting more and more depressed, I was starting to get random panic attacks.

But somehow... I was proud of myself.

I was proud for being clean for five days now. Five days didn't sound so much compared to Noé who had already been clean for more than one month.

One month.

Shit, I already missed the taste of weed after five days.

“Noé”

“Hm?”

He stretched his arms and his back and turned around to look at me.

“How...”, I had promised myself not to ask this, but I needed to know, “how do you... you know, act when you get a craving?”

He sighed, but then he smiled.

“Oh, you want help now?”

I shrugged.

“I still want to get high, but you know, I... my transition is more important then a drug.”

And now his smile grew so big that I just started blushing because it looked so beautiful.  
Seriously, this man, he was... I didn't have any damn adjectives to describe him.  
He was perfect.  
But as I had already realized, I had no chances anyways.

Well, shit. Ok, ok, I was fifteen, I was just too young, but I was still allowed to have a crush on him after all.

“Ok, I'll tell you how I try to make them go away then.”

He stood up and walked to the wardrobe to pick out clothes.  
It was a pair of... pink jeans and a black pullover with pusheen cat.  
What was wrong with him?  
Well, ok, ok, pusheen cat was cute, I wouldn't try to debate that.  
He sat down next to me, putting the pile of clothes on his legs.

“I just... most of the time distracting myself already helps. But that's probably just because my cravings aren't that strong because as soon as I got here I knew that I needed to stop because it wasn't something good that I had done. Most of the time I just read or listen to loud music. When that doesn't help, I try to write down how I'm feeling, that's... I don't know. It just feels good to write that down. If you want to, you can toss it away after that, as if you're tossing away the craving. And... if that doesn't help, I do breathing exercises to keep myself calm, and just stand it out. Or I talk to someone. Gilbert or any of the nurses do just fine, believe me.”

I nodded and tried to remember it for next time.

“But... why do you want to get clean? After all... you don't have to...”, I asked, unsure about why I was even asking that.

“This is not about the question if I have to get clean, Astolfo, I want to get clean. I want to get clean for my sister and my brother and for you, to show you that life is worth living without being high. And I think... that I also want to show this to other people.”

“Wait, wait, you... a former addict wants to educate people on drugs?”

Noé nodded.

“Of course. We're the ones who can do it the best, right? We know what it does to our lives. They don't. I thought that weed was just... a cool thing to smoke. And that was the beginning of that shit. I don't want that to happen to other people. They don't deserve it. And you don't deserve it, either.”

I clawed my hands into blanket and stared at him.

“Why me? Why don't I deserve it? I've disappointed everyone that I can disappoint. I... I do deserve it, Noé.”

He shook his head and looked at me. He just kept looking at me.

“No. You don't. Nobody deserves this. Nobody. Do you want to go outside today for a little, you seem to be better. I want to meet up with my sister in the garden later on, you can come with me, if you want to.”

“Why not?”, I sighed and freed myself from the blanket to also stand up. I was so tired and done with my life, oh shit.

“Let's get dressed then. You take the bathroom, I take... well, that room.”

I grinned and moved to the bathroom to get dressed.

 

After breakfast Noé, Oz and I pulled on our shoes and got ready to go into the garden. It was getting warmer and warmer outside. Well, it would soon be June.

I breathed in the fresh air as if I had never breathed in fresh air before.  
Well, I hadn't breathed in fresh air without being high in quite some time.  
It felt refreshing... but also boring. The sun wasn't shining as brightly as I remembered.

“And? Feels great, huh?”, Noé said and I shook my head.

“No, I want my light-sensitivity back.”

He sighed and lightly hit my back.

“You'll survive it, dude.”

Oz laughed out and stretched his back.

“Shit, in my opinion, that's better than fresh air when drunk. It just made me dizzy as fuck every time I got outside. I'm so glad for that right now.”

“Man, Gil would be proud of you for saying that. I remember you when I first came here, Oz. You made progress.”

I had the strange feeling that Noé was like a really caring dad to everyone in here.

“You're not too right about that, Noé”, the boy sighed and looked away.

On one of the benches, there was a woman with long, black hair and oh god, she looked so beautiful. She wore black shorts, black chucks, a black t-shirt and a black leather jacket and I could swear that that was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

“Domi!”, Noé shouted and waved at her. She waved back, stood up, ran towards us and hugged him long and closely.

Wait. That wasn't his sister right? They had opposite hair colors and skin colors.  
When Domi let go, Oz raised his hand to.

“Hi! How are you?”

She put her hands into her pockets.

“Pretty much fine, like always.”

Well, why was she in here then?

“Who's that girl?”, she asked and Oz and Noé immediately glared at her and I was so, so thankful for that. I mean, ok. I couldn't be mad at people for misgendering me. After all I looked like a girl and I was too aware of that.

“What are you two looking at me like that? Can't I ask who that person is or what?”

“That's Astolfo and he's my roommate.”

Domi seemed to think, if her brain could emit steam, then it would now.

“How old is he? He looks like... maybe... twelve?”

“I'm fifteen”, I said and now I was getting a little pissed at her.

“Ok, don't be that mad, boy, you just look very young and sound very young and I'm sorry that I've mistaken you for a girl. Well, I'm Dominique, his sister.”

That... She actually was his sister? I stared at Dominique, then at Noé, then back at her.  
No. There was not one single similarity between those two. Not a single one.

“I'm adopted”, Noé explained quickly and I stared at him now.

“Why didn't you tell me? I mean, I was shocked about how human genetics work, ok? I mean, I never was good in Biology, but even I know that that wouldn't work even if one part of the parents changed, ok?”

Noé and Domi both laughed out.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry, I just don't consider this very important, sorry, I forgot to tell you”, he snickered and Oz was also having a grin on his face.

“How's Jeanne, anyways? She hasn't been here in a few days, you know?”

Noé looked at her.

“She's pretty down lately. You know, she told her story and... I can understand why. I wouldn't know if I could ever deal with this. She cut Astolfo's hair though, so she's not all too depressed. I'll tell her that you're worrying about her.”

Domi nodded and yawned.

“Shit, people, that new guy, Roland, he made so much fucking noise in the first night because he was still high as fuck, seriously. I haven't properly recovered from that. He's kind of troublesome, that dude.”

“What's he on?”, Oz asked and once again I realized that that was truly a rehabilitation center and everything revolved around drugs.

“Crystal, so yeah. Well, not as fucked up as Leo.”

“Don't gossip about him”, Oz said, “all my pity is with him, ok?”

I had no idea who they were talking about, so I just kept quiet.  
I didn't really want to talk about drugs anyways.

“Astolfo?”, Oz asked, “are you ok?”

I tried to smile but for some reason I couldn't.  
What was that now?

“Yes”, I answered and tried to crack a smile once again.  
It functioned, but it must have looked really fake because Noé was looking at me very concerned.

“Now the depression is kicking in I think. It'll get better, Astolfo.”

Get better? I didn't fucking feel anything anymore and the last time my depression was that bad was when I had been twelve.

“I did not ask for this depression, what the fuck is this even? Like, seriously, it wasn't there all the hecking time!”

“Because you were high, Astolfo. Because of that you didn't feel it.”

“Oh well, fuck”, I whispered.

I did not want this at all. Absolutely not.  
It would just give me even more cravings than I already had and seriously, I did not want that.  
Oz put his hand to my shoulder.

“It'll get better with time, I sure hope so for you.”

Yeah, sure. It wouldn't get any better ever if I kept looking like a girl, seriously.

“You don't need to lie just because I'm a kid, Oz”, I hated calling myself a kid, but in their eyes I was one, I knew that.

Oz didn't answer and Domi just stared at me.

“You're quiet noisy, huh?”

“Well, guess what, I'm a fifteen-years old kid who's a fucking addict, what else should I be, huh?”

Domi just shrugged and looked at Noé.

“How do you manage to live in one room with this kid?”

“He's actually nice Domi, just a little impulsive!”

Huh? A little impulsive? Man, Noé really didn't take that shit seriously, did he?  
Oz laughed at my expression and Noé looked at him confused.

“Huh, what's wrong?”

“A little impulsive, Noé?”, I just asked and he shrugged.

“You're not as impulsive as that old woman who was once our neighbor.”

“Oh no, no, Noé, don't remind me of her, please!”


	8. IN MY MIND - 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is... kind of long and I don't really know why it is so long but prepare, now the pain starts.

Chapter 8

Two months.

I was clean for two months, Noé for three months, I was still feeling like shit, Noé wasn't.

He seemed to be... totally fine. He had only had one really serious craving in all that time and he had gotten through it rather quickly.

I just wished that it would get better, but it just didn't.

Slide had told me that it was just because I only wanted to get clean for my transition and not for myself.  
And well, maybe that was true.

If I could transition and smoke weed, I wouldn't think one more second about all of this.  
I'd just start again and I would never stop, probably not even after my transition.

Lottie was already on the verge of leaving and I knew that Noé wouldn't stay too long, too.  
Fuck, I loved him so much. Ok, ok, I didn't know if I could call this 'love'.

But every time I felt like shit, he still slept in my bed and held me in his arms all night.  
I wouldn't be able to stay here without him. I simply couldn't.  
I would break down, probably.

“Noé?”, I asked and he looked up from his book.

“Yeah?”

“When you're out... will you visit me?”

There were tears creeping up my eyes. My depression hadn't gotten any better in all those weeks.

“But of course! And even more of course if you want that, Astolfo! I know that you don't have anyone who can visit you, of course I'll do it! We're friends after all, right?”

I nodded and a tear slipped out of my eyes.

“Hey, hey, hey, no crying, yes? I'll come visit you once a week. I can't afford more because of the money, you know?”

I nodded again, silently just thanking god that this man was so kind.

“That's ok, I just... I can't lose you...”, I sobbed, he stood up and sat down on my bed, pulling me to his chest.

I snaked my arms around him to just get nearer. He was so, so, so warm and I just wanted to stay like this forever.

“You won't, hey... you won't lose me. And you know what? Even if I'm gone, Jeanne and Oz will probably still be here and you will probably get some new comrades!”

Comrades. As if we were an army. The drug addict army, yeah, sure.

“Great. Really, great.”

Someone knocked on the door and we broke apart. We weren't supposed to touch in here because of bacteria and all of that stupid stuff, but no one really obeyed that rule because it just didn't make any sense. We were showering almost every day, everyone of us.  
And we had no damn contact to drugs whatsoever in here.

“Come in!”, Noé said and the door was opened.

Slide.  
Of course, who else?

“Hey! Everyone is already outside, we have a new patient here, it would be nice if you could greet him as well!”

Noé stood, his mood suddenly better by far.

“But of course! Astolfo, come!”

I stood up sighing, but smiling.

After all... I was happy when he was happy.

Slide smiled at me and I just looked to the floor.

I walked behind Noé and there really was someone new here. It was a man – at least I thought so, but he did look really feminine – he had long, black hair and his clothes were apparently borrowed because I wasn't entirely sure if anyone would wear the pink clothes people wore in an MRI.

“Hey!”, Noé said and then he fully turned around.

The bags under his eyes were huge and he was extremely pale.

“I'm Noé, what's your name?”

He simply shook his head and looked away. “None of your fucking business”, he grumbled.  
His pupils were dilated, so I was pretty much sure that he was really damn high.

Noé just continued smiling at him.

Jeanne walked over to us and leaned towards me.

“He's really strange, I'd say that he's probably on methadone or something similar”, she whispered and I shrugged.

That guy was none of my business. He looked like death himself.  
All the others had already returned to their previous actions.

“Hey, do you want us to show you around?”, Noé asked and the guy shook his head.

“I'd like some heroin though, if you have some.”

Noé facepalmed.

“No, dude, I don't and I've never even seen some in person. Do you want to sit down somewhere at least?”

“Maybe, yes. I'm feeling really fucking dizzy, I'm not sure if I'm even able to walk.”

Ok, ok, but he was on methadone, he wasn't supposed to be feeling that shitty, right? Not that I knew much about heroin addicts anyways.  
Jeanne walked to him and held him.

“You aren't sick or something?”

“No, I just haven't slept in fucking days, that's all.”

And as if he wanted to symbolize the meaning of his sentence even further, he just yawned very deeply.

“Ah, yeah, I think everyone of us has gone through that at least once”, Jeanne said and also smiled when she carried him to one of the chairs where no one sat.

“Can I go?”, I asked and Noé looked at me pretty much shocked.

“Astolfo?”

“Well, what am I supposed to do here? He apparently doesn't want any contact at all.”

“Of course I don't”, he sighed, “I didn't want to fucking be here anyways.”

Ok, was he even able to complete one single sentence without using the word 'fucking'?

“Hey, see it as a chance. If you manage to get clean, you can go on with your life.”

“Ha, go on with my life, you say? Fucking funny, dude.”

Ok, no, he wasn't able to complete a sentence without the word 'fucking'.

“Seriously. Even I want to stay clean after that and I really liked my weed”, Noé said and this was the first time ever I heard him talking about how he had actually liked that. I could see the pain in his eyes though.

“Yeah, yeah, don't come at me with some stupid ass weed, dude. I'm hooked on some more things than just weed.”

He scared me, he just fucking scared me.

“Well, why are you even here then, if you love your drugs so much, hm?”, I asked and I knew that everyone else could ask me that too because shit, I just also really liked my weed.

“Because well, my suicide attempt... it wasn't enough, well, won't happen again.”

“I'm glad it won't happen again”, Noé said, still smiling, I had no idea how he could still smile, that man was so fucking disgusting.

“Haha, yeah. I should have said, it's not going to fail again, huh?”

And suddenly, Noé just froze right in the place.

“Ok, ok, I see. I see how down you are. But you know what? We can fix that. Slide can fix that. And you can fix that. And I know that.”

He just shook his head again, then leaned back into the chair, crossing his arms.

“Anyways. The name's Vanitas. If you people would be so nice to tell me your name's, too.”

“Astolfo”, I spat out and didn't look at him. I really, really didn't like him.

He was too negative. Just too negative.

“My name's Jeanne. Alcohol.”

“Oh. One of the things I wasn't addicted to, actually, amazing.”

I didn't even want to know what things he was addicted to.

“Weed”, Noé just said, “but I've already mentioned that. We are three weed addicts in here, two alcohol addicts, one cocaine addict and one heroin addict. So yeah, you see, we're all pretty fucked up.”

Vanitas nodded.

“Guess I'm the most fucked up by far, though. How does this shit in here work, anyways? You guys can't tell me that you're here completely voluntarily.”

“I am”, Jeanne said, “I want to stop that shit. I don't want to be addicted anymore.”

“I'm here at least partly voluntarily”, Noé said, “my brother brought me here after I smoked three joints and he thought that I had died, he didn't know too much about that, you know?”

Vanitas just shrugged.  
To me, it seemed as if he did not care about anything that had happened to, as if he didn't care about anything that would be happening to him.

How much had he gone through?  
Probably more than me.

I really shouldn't complain about anything. I was only trans.  
Only, yeah, sure.

“I'm here completely involuntarily.”

I didn't need to lie when Slide wasn't around, anyways.

“At least one”, he mumbled and pulled something out of his pockets.  
It was a pack of cigarettes.

“How did you get this in here?”, Jeanne asked, seemingly aghast, but she kept her voice down somehow.

“It's literally so easy to sneak in things, seriously, girl, as if no one of you smokes cigarettes in here?”

“Gilbert does, but he doesn't sneak them in too often, holy shit, are you planning on staying here for a year or what?”

And that guy just shrugged again. I looked at Noé and he was seemingly getting angry now – I had never seen him angry.  
After all that was Noé and he was kind and patient and overall just nice, but I saw that the tips of his fingers were trembling lightly.

Noé, angry, in my rehabilitation center? It was more likely than I thought.

Somehow it was bitter that I spent so much on the internet that I was already thinking in memes, oh dear.

“I was never planning on staying, anyways.”

“Don't you give a single fuck about your life or what?”

Jeanne and I just stared at Noé because he had been so loud and somehow he had used the word 'fuck', was Noé even allowed to say that?

“Noé...?”, I whispered, still completely in shock at that action and at the swear word.

“What if I told you I didn't, hm? What would you do?”

“If I wasn't in that center, I'd take you to my house and lock you up and I'd go through that stupid withdrawal of yours just to show you that life is worth living, you dickhead.”

Wow, wow, wow, Noé actually knew swear words.

I had never been surprised that someone knew swear words, but after all that was Noé.

Maybe I should start heroin too, maybe Noé would also lock me up in his house then. I wouldn't have any objections.

And Vanitas just started laughing like the obvious madman he was. He kept laughing for such a long time that I thought he would never stop laughing, not ever.  
He did though, after a good five minutes.

“I'd like to see that, but you won't ever be able to do that, so ha, give up on me.”

And then something inside of Noe just snapped. He stood up, his hands planted on the table, he stared at him, looked as if he was going to say something, but he didn't.

He just kept staring at Vanitas, then he turned around and walked away.  
We all just kept looking at him and how he walked away.

“I have never seen Noé that angry, Vanitas, you really did something to him right now.”

That guy just shrugged again. He just really didn't care about anything, did he?

“I'm not really happy about that, I have to say”, I pressed out and Vanitas cocked his eyebrow upwards.

“Ah, I see, I see, someone is having a little cr-”

“Shut the fuck up!”, I screamed and Vanitas just laughed.

Jeanne looked at me confused and I could feel myself getting beet red. I had not asked for a crush on my roommate in a rehabilitation center. Of course I hadn't. That would be even worse, then.

“Astolfo?”, she asked and I couldn't do anything else then bury my head in my hands.

“Well, I'm going out for a smoke, do you two want to come with me?”

“Yes”, Jeanne sighed, “as if I had anything better to do anyways, I'm not even allowed to use my mobile in here, so hey.”

“I'm going to Noé, then”, I said and Jeanne immediately grinned and grabbed my arm.

“No, I don't think you are, Astolfo, I think we have to talk about something.”

Oh, great, great. That surely was a conversation I wanted to have.

She pulled me up and I tried to get away, but that Vanitas guy just glared at me and I could swear that that gaze was so scary that I preferred going with them to have the most awkward conversation I could ever have.

So I walked with them, towards the garden and when we were there, Vanitas lit up his cigarette and put it to his mouth.

“Oh fuck, that almost feels better than heroin”, he sighed and sucked in the nicotine another time.  
It stank. I didn't really like the smell of cigarettes, but I didn't say no when he held out one to me.

“Do they taste better or worse than weed?”

“Did you smoke joints or blunts?”

“Most of the time I used to smoke joints”, I answered and he stared at me.

“There's nicotine in them too, dude.”

“I know”, I said and he held his lighter out to me.

I lit the cigarette up and watched it a few more moments.

“C'mon, it doesn't hurt.”

“Just so you two know, I do not approve of this in any way, Astolfo is still a minor and I hate you for giving him a cigarette.”

Vanitas just kept smiling at Jeanne.

“He wanted it and he has smoked weed, so hey. Nothing too bad.”

I finally took it into my mouth after some more seconds I breathed in, then I breathed out the smoke.  
It tasted a little weird. I didn't cough or anything, after all I was used to the taste of nicotine, but I wasn't used to said taste being that strong.

“And, how is it?”

“Weird, but ok. More legal than weed, but... worse for my body, but I guess I'm long past worrying about that anyways.”

“You two are the most depressing duo I've ever seen. Anyways... let's talk about that... topic that suddenly came up.” Jeanne was grinning from ear to ear right now.

I felt my cheeks become red again and my fingers trembled.  
They had stopped trembling some weeks ago, already. But now they did again.

“So, you have a crush on our dear Noé?”, Jeanne asked and I just took a step back.

“This is none of your business”, I mumbled, trying to not to let them see how red I was, that was just too embarrassing.

“Come on, we won't tell him”, Vanitas said, “especially I won't tell him.”

Shit, he was really planning on committing suicide, huh? Shit, shit.  
Vanitas had apparently finished smoking, he threw the cig to the ground and stepped onto it multiple times with the heel of his shoe.

I didn't even want to think of someone dying.

Sure, I had lost my family. Alright, but... they had been assholes, they had kept emotionally abusing me just because I wasn't the daughter they wanted.

I had never been a daughter, after all.

I sucked in more of the nicotine, but sadly it didn't give me the feeling of a high that weed used to give me.

I just needed some weed, right now.

“I just... I won't tell you.”

“That means 'yes'”, Jeanne said, grinning from ear to ear, “awww, that's adorable, Astolfo! You're just a little too young for him!”

I had to cringe at that.

“I know, but on the other side I fucked with a guy who was twenty when I was fourteen so I don't really care about that either way.”

“Voluntarily or...?”, Vanitas and Jeanne said at the exact same time, then they looked at each other and smiled, both seemed to know what the other had gone through without even exchanging a single word.

“I was high, so kind of yes, kind of no, but it wasn't as if I cared about that shit anyways.”

“Boy, try not to think like that. This cold be your ruin”, Vanitas sighed and took another cigarette out of the pack, he lit it up and just smoked it.  
How much did that guy smoke, anyways?

“Better not caring about it than caring about it, believe me.”

Jeanne brought her hand to her arm again and scratched it, but as soon as I looked at her, she stopped.

“Back to the topic”, I said, “it's just a stupid tiny teeny crush and I won't act on it anyways. Like I said, I don't care about age, but Noé probably does and I really don't want to make him uncomfortable.”

“Kill that mindset of yours”, Vanitas hissed, “you should indeed care about age. Alright, alright, you guys have an age gap of...?”

“Four years”, I said, “it would be considered normal if I was older.”

Vanitas nodded.

“I know, but for now it's better like this. My first client was fourty-two and I was twelve, so I can tell you, that was just highly uncomfortable. Kill that mindset and stay safe, boy.”

“Well, I wouldn't prostitute myself so don't worry.”

I didn't even want to think about what had made a twelve years old boy go into prostituting himself at that age.  
I didn't want to know.

“I would have said the same when I was eleven, boy. So just don't. Don't ever have sex with someone who's a lot older than you are. As soon as you're eighteen, do what the fuck you want. But fifteen is just too young.”

Most teens experienced their first time when they were as old as me. And ok, ok, he was talking about having sex with older people, but him and Jeanne still were so overprotective.

Vanitas had prostituted himself, Jeanne had been raped. It was ok that they were too protective about that topic.

“Anways, Jeanne, you're really beautiful, I have to say.”

“I'm a lesbian, please just stop, that's scaring me.”

“Hey, hey, the fuck, I'm gay. That was just a normal statement that you're a beautiful woman. Nothing more, nothing less. I'd fucking kill that guy who made you end up here.”

They really understood each other without saying a word.  
For a moment, I envied them. I didn't envy them for the things they had gone through of course, but I envied them for the way they just understood each other.  
I would have liked to know someone else who's trans. Maybe I wouldn't have started weed then if I had had someone to talk about my problems to.

And as if he could read my mind, Vanitas suddenly smiled.

“I knew a trans girl once, by the way. I'm sure you two would have liked each other.”

“Would have...?”, I said and his smile turned into a really melancholic one.

“Heroin overdose. She was about your age when it happened.”

I gulped.

That guy had seen death, probably hundreds of times, he had prostituted himself at the mere age of twelve, and here I was, seriously complaining about having boobs?

“To be honest I'm not entirely sure if she died. I had called an ambulance as soon as I found her and then I ran away because at that time I was dealing with LSD and weed, but she didn't breath anymore.”

“You're safe here”, Jeanne whispered, “nobody will die in here except if they have seizures or something like that, but we're only two alcohol addicts in here and we're already long over that phase.”

Vanitas didn't say anything and just took out another cigarette, reminding me that I still held a cold one in my hand.


	9. IN MY MIND - 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning @Dasly: Break appears

Chapter 9

It was the next day and we had a huge fucking ass therapy session.  
Both stations were here and every single one of the four therapists.

Elliot was sitting next to a black haired boy with round glasses who held a book in his hand even though Gerbel was already talking and he was silently smiling at Elliot.  
Noé and Domi sat next to each other and somehow I had ended up sitting between a blonde guy called Roland and that other blonde guy called Vincent everyone found creepy.

None of us were saying anything though.

“Alright, so. Slide, Miller, Dupont and I have decided on a task for all of you.”

Oh, how great that sounded! A task! I surely loved doing tasks, just like at school!

“You're going to be writing letters to your drugs.”

Vanitas and Jeanne who were sitting next to each other just kept grinning at me and raised their eyebrows, then they looked to Noé.

I simply shook my head at them and tried not to think of my crush.

“Our drug, huh?”, Vincent spat our, “those stupid assholes really have no idea whatsoever.”

Ok. I understood why everyone thought of him as creepy.

“You will try to imagine your drug of choice as a person and tell them what brought you to them and what you think of them now.”

Noé nodded and he just kept smiling all the time.  
I would love to be as strong as he was.

“Alright, anything else, can we leave then~?”, the guy next to Vincent asked, he had almost white hair and was chewing a gum.

“Uhm... yeah”, Gerbel said, glancing at him and he just grinned.

“Very fine then!”, the man said, stood up, and walked away.

What the heck. I had never seen him anywhere and well, considering his extremely pale skin colour, he probably never left this house.  
Jeanne just laughed.

“Hey, Break, just chill out for once!”

He grinned and walked out of the door then.  
Who the fuck was that man?

Everyone else was standing up now, so I did the same. I glanced around the people and noticed that I was by far the youngest here, then probably Oz and then Vanitas. That was kind of scary, considering that Vanitas was probably one of the most damaged people in here.

“Astolfo, I need to talk to you”, I heard a voice and I turned around to face Slide who looked at me.

“Uh... sure? Did I do anything wrong?”

“You didn't, but I need to talk to you about it nonetheless.”

Oh, oh, was that about the smoking? Had anyone seen or... had Jeanne told them?  
No, no, she wasn't like this. Jeanne would never do this.  
I shrugged and followed him to that room, Noé just looked at me and I waved at him.

“Sit down”, Slide ordered and I did.

“I guess you know what this is about?”

“The smoking, huh?”, I asked and he nodded.

“Yes. Did he force you to or...?”

“What, of course not! I just kind of wanted to try it out, but I can assure you that I didn't like it as much as I liked weed, so I won't do it again.”

“That's at least good to hear. But you're getting along well with him?”

“Sort of. I'm also sorry for smoking, but you know, you can't expect me to just... stop weed and not try out anything else.”  
“I know. Ok, actually, I don't. The only drugs I've ever taken was propofol and tramadol because of a surgery, so I never was addicted to anything. I can't imagine how it feels.”

I was so, so thankful that he didn't say that he actually knew how it felt. In this moment, I just really loved that guy.

“Yeah, I guess you don't, then”, I sighed, “anyways. If someone offers me a cig, I'll take it. It doesn't do too much harm and is legal.”

“It's not legal Astolfo, you're fifteen.”

“Come on, I'm turning sixteen in two days!”

Slide laughed out.

“That still makes you a minor.”

“Shit, I know. Anyways, smoking is considered more legal than getting high on weed, so I hope you're not too mad.”

“It's normal that people relapse and as long as you're not going to adapt this to your new habit, it's ok. I just wanted to make that sure.”

I shook my head and smiled.

“No. Believe me, I'm doing everything to get out of here quickly to finally get my hormones.”

Well, if I really was doing everything in order to get out of here, I wouldn't have had smoked, but well. It was only one cigarette. I didn't think that I would get high on that every few hours now because well, they didn't even make me high after all, so as if that would be the case.

“Alright then, is there anything you want for your birthday, Astolfo?”

I looked at him and he laughed because probably my face looked really strange.

“No, no, if I bought every patient something for their birthday, I'd be broke in no time. I'm asking for someone else.”

Uh... ok...? At least Slide wasn't going to buy me a present, that would have scared me a lot.

“No idea. Clothes for men so I don't have to continue borrowing them from Oz. And books. I really need something to do in here.”

Especially when Noé left, I needed something.

“Alright, I'll keep that in mind, then.”

 

 

When I returned, I was welcomed by Jeanne.

“Astolfo, I hope you were told that you're not supposed to smoke, huh?”

I stared at her.

“Yes, yes, fine. I won't do it again, alright? But you weren't the one who told him, right?”

She shook her head.

“As if I'd do that! I think Gerbel saw you from the window. I don't like that guy anyways. Slide is super ok, but Gerbel is... a little strange. Oz says that he likes him though, so maybe that's just me being weird with men once again, no idea. Anyways... I've mad a decision.”

She suddenly smiled and there were tears in her eyes.

“I'm finally going to the police. Tomorrow. Noé and Sharon are coming with me, you know, as some kid of emotional support.”

I couldn't do anything else but smile and when the first tear left her eyes, I pulled her into a hug. I had never liked hugging people, but it didn't matter – not with Noé and her.  
She silently sobbed into my hair and I tried stroking her back.  
I was so bad with physical contact because my family just didn't do it, not ever.

“It'll be fine and that guy will soon enough be in jail. You heard Vanitas, he would kill him if he saw him. You know what, Jeanne? I would kill him too, if I ever were to meet him.”

Amelia walked by but she didn't even mention that we weren't supposed to hug and I was so glad for this. Jeanne needed this and she probably knew.

“I'm so happy that you made this decision, Jeanne. I'm so happy. Everyone who destroys anyone's life should either die or get addicted to some hard shit and be forced to go into withdrawal every two months.”

She laughed out and let go.

“Anyways, it's your birthday in two days, right?”

I nodded.

“Great. I had to party my last birthday in coma, so hey, rehab center birthday is better than this.”

“You were...?”

“I drank too much, so shit, yeah, but only for a few days. I didn't go here then though. I... was kind of like Vanitas, you know?”

I couldn't even imagine that Jeanne had once tried to kill herself.

“Are you ok now, Jeanne?”

She nodded.

“I'll never drink ever again, believe me.”

“I hope so.”

I wished I could say the same about weed.

“Where's Vanitas?”, I asked and Jeanne vaguely pointed into the direction of our rooms.

“Writing his letter. He has even locked his room, that scares me a little.”

Well, I was scared about him, too.

“Let him. He'll come out sooner or later anyways.”

I didn't want to tell her that I was really, really scared.

He wasn't experiencing any hard withdrawal symptoms, after all he was still on methadone because he didn't want to go into cold withdrawal, and honestly, I could understand this. Heroin withdrawal was probably so much more nastier than weed withdrawal.

“Yeah, sure”, she whispered.

 

I was woken up by an almost unrecognizably silent knock on the door.

I peeled myself out of the blanket and walked to the door to open it.

Vanitas.

“Ssh, quiet, ok, I'm not going to kill you”, he whispered.

“I did not think that you're going to kill me anyways, but ok”, I whispered back and he grinned.  
He pulled something out of his pocket and oh surprise, surprise, it was a pack of cigarettes.

“Want to go smoking with me?”

“I can go outside but Slide already scolded me, so I'm not going to smoke with you. Can we even get outside at this hour of the day?”

He shrugged.

“We'll manage.”

I shrugged too.

“Pay attention not to wake Noé up when you close that door, please.”

“Sure.”

I closed the door as quietly as I could.  
Alright, how were we supposed to get past the night shift workers? I had no idea and Vanitas also didn't look as if he had any idea, great.

“There's that hole in the gym, right?”

How did he even know about that? This was only his second day in here.

“Uh, yes.”

“We'll take that way then. I can open the doors with that.”

He pulled out a wire and I just stared.

“C'mon, I'm basically a criminal, don't be that shocked.”

I threw my hands into the air.

“Ok, ok, I won't ask.”

We walked towards the door down the stairs that led to the gym. Vanitas fumbled around the door a bit and then it sprang open.  
Alright. That guy really had some skills.  
He closed the door again and chuckled.

“Man, an adventure in the rehab center, that's some great shit, huh?”

“What do you really want, Vanitas?”, I asked as soon as we were outside.

“I want some company for my last smoke. To be honest I couldn't even give you one, I only have one left.”

He took it out of his pocket, put it to his lips and brought the lighter up to it with trembling hands.

“And? Did you finish your letter?”

He nodded.

“Of course I did. I'm going to... give it to the therapists tomorrow morning, I suppose.”

I was still a little confused about why I had to come out of it for him. It wasn't like he really needed company for smoking, right?  
I put the hands into the pockets of my pyjama pants. The were girl's pyjama pants, but they were plain black with only one pink stripe on them, so I was able to deal with them since I didn't see them below the blanket anyways.

“Cool, I haven't even started.”

And then the realization of everything that meant hit me.

“Wait, wait, Vanitas, have you only brought one pack...?”, I asked and I knew that this had to sound stupid as hell, but I couldn't just ask him if he was going to commit suicide.

“Sure. Didn't think I'd need more and still don't think I do.”

Ok, ok, fuck.

“Vanitas... why didn't you get Jeanne to come with you... but me?”

He looked at me, breathing out smoke, seemingly enjoying this last cigarette of his.  
He smiled; melancholy laying in his eyes.

“Noé told me that your parents never really liked you because you were different. And he told me that they died.”

When did they even talk to each other? Maybe while I had talked with Slide about the smoking?  
I nodded, suddenly feeling the need to smoke a cigarette once again.  
He didn't have one and he also didn't have weed.  
Shit.

“Yeah. I wasn't the daughter they had wanted.”

Vanitas was looking at the sky, but I was wondering what he was really looking at – the stars, hidden by the smoke of the city, or maybe the moon shining onto us or maybe at his new home he would move into sometime tomorrow, as soon as he died.

“And I wasn't the son they wanted. I was gay. And sassy. They threw me out when I was eleven and died one week later in a car accident.”

I felt tears creeping up my eyes, so I kept blinking in order to make them vanish.

“Mine died in an accident too, but they didn't throw me out. Probably because I kept wearing dresses and skirts for them.”

My voice was cracking away and Vanitas looked at me.

“You know that it's ok to cry, right?”

I nodded and let the tears flood my eyes again.

“I didn't like my family. My father was pretty much emotionally abusive, my mom didn't say anything and well, my sister... kinda adapted to the mindset of my parents, you know? But you know what? I miss them. I fucking miss them.”

I let the tears run out of my eyes and over my cheek and into the grass on the floor.  
I knew that I was allowed to cry, but still, I was a guy and all that toxic masculinity was just worse for trans guys.

“I miss my parents too.”

“But you'll maybe see them again in... a few hours.”

“Oh, so you caught on to my plan?”

“Yeah. It wasn't too hard, you know?”

Vanitas kicked the cigarette away.

“I'm not happy about this. If anyone told me that there was a happy life ahead of me, I'd stay.”

I knew that this man would never be happy, just like I was probably never going to be fully happy either.  
And I could not possibly lie to him.

“I know. Man, our parents really fucked us up, huh?”

“Yeah”, he said, “fuck yeah.”

We just stood there. I was crying, he wasn't.

I missed the snarky remarks of my sister and the smile of my mother when she had cracked another joke.  
I just didn't miss my father, but damn, damn, the loss of my mom and my sister suddenly hurt.

“Do you really have no other cig?”

“No”, he laughed, “sorry.”

“Well, guess that's better, Slide would just kill me then.”

“Ha, that guy has a good soul though. It's your birthday in two days, right?”

“It's tomorrow. It's already three in the morning, Vanitas.”

“Fuck, right. I won't be there, so let me wish you your sweet sixteenth right now, huh?”

“In Germany that'll bring bad luck, so please don't.”

He laughed out and I had to laugh too. I'd like to die with him just so I could get rid of that body.  
But I shouldn't. Noé would visit me. I had Jeanne. I would probably get some foster parents that were checked by the state and that were probably a lot nicer than my parents were.

I had hope.  
Vanitas didn't.

“Ok, I won't. Am I supposed to write you a birthday card or something like that?”

That conversation was just macabre by now, but as if I cared.

“No, just don't do anything, it's totally ok, dude.”

“Alright then. It's getting cold, do you want to go inside?”

“Will you still be there when I wake up?”

He shook his head.

“I want to go without a stupid goodbye and everyone being disappointed.”

“I can... understand that”, I muttered and he smiled.

“I knew that you wouldn't try to change my mind, Jeanne would have probably informed the therapists, but well, I knew you wouldn't. We're similar and I don't know if that's good or bad.”

“Not sure either”, I sighed and looked at him.

There was no sadness on his face, just plain happiness.

He was happy to have finally made this decision and I knew that if I had decided to just leave this world, I'd be happy too.

But I simply couldn't. I knew that tomorrow morning I would just be crying about how I hadn't stopped him and how I would never see him again.

And all the other people in here would feel the same if I committed suicide, probably.  
I couldn't do this. I didn't want to hurt more people than I already had.  
Nobody deserved to lose someone else.  
Not even I did.

“Alright.”

He put his hand to my shoulder, patted it two times and then began walking towards the whole in the gym.

“Promise that you won't relapse or start other shit except for smoking, you can smoke cigs as much as you want dude, they're legal. But no illegal drugs for you anymore, alright?”

I nodded. I wouldn't promise him.

“I'll try”, I said instead and he smiled.

“That's already enough.”


	10. IN MY MIN - 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So, before anyone is wondering what this little thing is about, I got an anonymous message on how I'm not respectful and I didn't want to accept that comment because it didn't explain anything, so it cannot be seen on here anyways. I have some things I want to say to that person though. This is also in no way meant to offend the person who wrote this.
> 
> I genuniely (this is written wrong right I'm so sorry) appreciate that you told me that there's a problem and that you took your time to write this, but you should provide examples on where I am not showing respect to any of the groups mentioned. I myself and a friend of mine went through the story again and couldn't find anything.   
> -if this fic screamed 'angsty teen', how you mentioned (yes people. That was literally in it and sorry but this is not respectful at all...), I would've romanticised things. I didn't show any good point about being an addict, did I? This is why I involved Vanitas. Not for 'angst points' (yes, I do like to write angst, but this was not only for the angst), but to show how much drugs/substance abuse can ruin your life. Because it does ruin lives. I've that in reality.  
> -I mentioned again again that Jeanne is being very strong for still being alive after this and especially for going into withdrawal. This is a spoiler, but she will also go to the police because wtf how am I not paying respect to people who got raped I literally involved her TO SHOW RESPECT. xD So please show me an example on where I'm not being respectful because I just really don't understand...   
> -this whole story got approved by someone who 100% knows more than you about drugs. And believe me with 100%, I mean 100%.  
> -and you know what really hurt me? Like, really, really, hurt me? 'show respect to the people because you really don't know how it feels to be depressed or suicidal or tumble into an addiction' You know nothing about me, so how are you going to assume this? I'm trans and very dysphoric and I am also diagnosed with mediocre depression (it was more extreme once) and I dealt with suicidal thoughts for... lemme count... four years of my life. Which is why I'm writing that story on someone recovering from all of it to show that it is possible to do so.  
> Do you know how many teens are out there, never having heard of the term 'trans' or who think that being mentally ill means that they're crazy? Do you know how many girls are out there who don't speak up? Do you know how many people are out there, forced into drugs or substance abuse who got addicted because they didn't know enough?  
> I assume that you know at least roughly about this and that those are a lot of people.  
> I wrote this whole fic to pay respect to everyone out there who struggled with this or who are still struggling to show them that what Vanitas did was not the right thing, this will follow in so many of the next chapters.  
> I want to show that life can always go on if you believe in it. And I'm going to show that in all the following chapters.  
> So if I'm not paying respect then please, please, tell me where or how and how I can change that so that I'm showing enough respect because I really want to do so. I have members in my family and friends who got raped or at least very inappropriately touched, I have friends who struggle with weed and with substance abuse and if I'm not paying respect to them, then I need to know because I would absolutely want to change that right away.
> 
> This got kind of long, but I'm really afraid that my friend and I overlooked something and that I'm actually not paying enough respect because I genuinely (I figured out how to write it.) want to do so.
> 
> I hope you send me another message providing examples, thanks in advance.

Chapter 10

When I returned to our room, Noé was staring at me.

“Astolfo, I was so scared I almost went to the night shifters to get help to find you.”

“Don't worry, don't worry, I'm fine.”

He stood up, grabbed the blanket from my bed and put it over my shoulders.

“You're trembling awfully hard.”

Only now I noticed that I was trembling indeed, my hands were so stiff that I could barely move them.

“Are you cold?”

I shook my head and sat down on the bed, him next to me, of course. As if Noé would ever not sit down next to me if I wasn't feeling too well.

“Panic?”

“I guess.”

Vanitas wouldn't be there anymore in a few hours.

He would be dead, probably he would jump off a bridge or overdose and I didn't even want to imagine that.

“Who were you with?”

“I don't think I can tell you.”

“Vanitas?”

I let out a sob and Noé pulled me close.

“He didn't do anything to you, did he?”

“No, no, don't worry. Also he's gay so...”

“Astolfo, you're a guy.”

“But I don't have a dick”, I laughed out and Noé began stroking my arm.  
I knew that I was probably all red in my face.

But as if I cared. We would never end up with each other anyways. We'd probably lose contact one day.

“I know, that doesn't mean you're not a guy. What did you talk about that shook you up like that?”

There was still a tiny chance that Vanitas wouldn't do it. Just a tiny chance was maybe more than enough.

“I can't tell you.”

That really was none of Noé's business. We just didn't have the right to interfere with anyone's life.  
I wasn't able to save anyone.  
Maybe Noé was. And maybe Vanitas wanted to be saved, but not enough to ask for it.  
I gulped down the tears.

“Astolfo...?”

“I have no right to tell you, Noé.”

I didn't want Vanitas to hate me if I told them.

He was so hopeless, of course he didn't want to continue living and I could fully understand this because if I hadn't found friends in here, if I hadn't been taken into that shit catholic orphanage, I'd be exactly the same now.

“If you ever want to tell me, then do, please, alright?”

I nodded and sank against him.

“Are you tired, Noé?”, I asked him and he laughed out.

“After worrying about you like that? No, don't worry. You?”

“I just really want a blunt or a joint right now”, I moaned out and Noé took a pencil and held it to my mouth.

“Here, that's red, tastes like fire.”

I laughed out and slapped his hand to make him take it back.

“Don't tell me that when you were young you also thought that pencils tasted like something depending on the colour?”

“I did”, he grinned and suddenly smelled at my hair.

“Astolfo, did you smoke?”

“No, no, Vanitas did, not me.”

And the craving was gone again. Noé did wonders, just with a little stupid joke like that.

“At least that then... promise me that you won't relapse after I'm out, ok?”

That brought tears to my eyes again.   
Vanitas had almost said the exact same thing.

“I'll try”, I sighed and looked away.

I couldn't promise not to relapse. I just couldn't.  
I had too much fun with my weed to not relapse, nobody could expect that I didn't.  
He didn't say more and took something from the nightstand.  
I looked at the book in his hand.  
I had not put it there and I didn't know it either.

“Slide is such an idiot”, I whispered and had to grin at the book.

'Thousand ways to convince your teacher that you didn't forget your homework but it got eaten by a dog.'  
If that wasn't the best birthday present I'd gotten, I didn't know either.  
Did I say that I'd prefer a dog over a therapist?  
Fuck, I lied, I loved Slide.

“He came in as soon as you left. He's on vacation for a few days and I think he really has hope for you, Astolfo. But I don't think that he thinks too much of your... well, of your homework.”

I had to laugh out loud.

“No, no, I don't think so. I have to say that I barely did homework, but I haven't told him that. That guy has an instinct, oh my god.”

“I still remember my sixteenth birthday as if it was yesterday and it was a whole mess. A bottle of lemonade exploded, Domi got awfully drunk and tried to make out with a wardrobe and Louis was just busy cleaning up after her throwing random bottles around.”

“Mine won't be that wild, hopefully.”

Noé laughed out.

“I hope so too.”

 

We stayed like this for more than one hour, until we heard someone walking along the hallway, therapists kept talking and I knew what was going on.

“What's going on there?”, Noé whispered.

“Let me the fuck go, I'm eighteen, I can do what the holy fuck I want!”

“He's not leaving, right?”, Noé asked, lips beginning to quiver and I held him back from standing up.

“This is his decision, Noé, not ours.”

“Did he talk about this with you?”

I nodded, swallowing down the tears, blinking so often that they couldn't even reach my eyes.  
In maybe one hour, he'd already be dead, shit.

“But-”

“Don't. We both have no right to interfere with his life!”, I snapped at him and Noé sank back.

“Here! I even wrote that fucking letter for you guys! I can do this alone! I can recover alone, I don't have to be at a place like this for that!”

His voice was so loud that he had probably woken up everyone by now.

“Vanitas, please, please think about it again.”

That was Gerbel's voice.

“I can do this alone”, his voice was quieter now.

I knew that he didn't mean 'I can recover alone', but 'I can end all of this alone, without your help'.  
My fingers began trembling again.   
He had wished me good luck shortly before we had parted ways.  
Good luck. Him, who had planned his suicide, had wished me good luck.  
For my life.

I breathed in when I heard more steps and after a few more seconds, a door being loudly shut.

“Astolfo, did you know that?”

I nodded. I couldn't tell him that we had talked about more than that.

“Do you think he can recover alone?”

Without a single thought on that, I shook my head, trying not to think of the way he was heading right now.  
In a few hours, Jeanne would be crying.  
In a few hours, he would already be in heaven.  
I hoped that he would be alright, then, that he would find the peace he didn't believe he could find on earth.

I wanted to stop him, but I couldn't.  
It wasn't my life. I wasn't supposed to save a hopeless addict.

“Astolfo, promise me that you'll stay. Promise me. Promise me that you will go through with this.”

That was something I was able to promise.

“I promise.”

Because no matter what, I would have to stay here because unlike him, I wasn't eighteen.  
Someone knocked on our door.  
Noé let go of me and I sighed.

“Yeah?”, I asked, trying to act pissed in case it was Gerbel. I didn't like that guy.   
And it was him who entered.

“Were you the one who talked him into that?”, he asked, looking at me and Noé was already about to say something, but I held out my hand to stop him.

“Just because I smoked with him once or what, sure. Of course I'd talk people into leaving and relapsing because I don't wish them happiness or what?”

I stroked the tears away that were coming to my eyes. Every second passing was a second closer to his death.

“Well, I can't know, you know? I've also asked Jeanne, so don't be that offended.”

I huffed out my breath, not knowing that I had held it in in first place.

“Well, you can leave then, right? I want to try sleeping again, maybe.”

I hated that dude. He just was the complete opposite of Slide.  
Slide had bought me a damn birthday president and I was sure that that thought had never even crossed Gerbel's mind in any way.

“Yeah, yeah. I'm going to talk about that behavior of yours with Slide as soon as he's back.”

I raised my arms and waved at him and he just left.  
My god, what an asshole.

“Astolfo, that was not nice.”

“And him thinking that I would talk Vanitas into-”, I gulped.

'Into killing himelf.'

“...Into relapsing or what? Who does he think I am? A fucking monster?”

Noé sighed and leant against my shoulder and I was so, so red.

“I'm afraid that he's going to kill himself, Astolfo. I'm just so afraid. I really liked him. Like... not that kind of 'like', but below his facade, he was an actually decent person.”

“I mean, I know that you're not straight, Noé, but fine. You wouldn't have to hide this from me.”

It would still hurt to hear that he was in love with someone.

“No, I wasn't in love with him, oh my god! I've never really been in love anyways, so I don't even have an idea how that feels, so it's not like I would even recognize that or anything!”

I began chuckling and then it turned into full-on laughing.

“Like, never?”

“No, never! You've got a problem with that or something?”

“No, you could have told me if you are aromantic or something like tha-”

“I'm not aromantic either!”, he said and he was so desperate, it was so cute.

“I just haven't met the right person yet.”

The right person.

Oh, how much I wanted to be his right person.


	11. IN MY MIND - 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never got another comment with examples for where I was not respectful... so I'll just assume I am and I hope this chapter proves it.

Chapter 11

It was roughly eleven in the morning when all the therapists called us to go to another huge ass group therapy.

I had a suspicion about what it was.

Miller and Gerbel just kept looking away. Fucking dumbasses.  
Dupont came to us, standing there, as if he wanted to assure us that everything was ok even though it wasn't and we were aware of that.

Jeanne sat next to me, looking at the floor, raising her hand to her arm, but she let it sink down.  
I smiled at her.

I had never heard Dupont speak, but he had a very heavy french accent and of course I was able to understand him, but a guy I didn't know just stared at him super confused.  
Break wasn't there anymore, I noticed. Probably that new guy came for him and probably he wasn't a native English speaker.

“We have to tell you something. Not all of you knew him.”

He was talking about Vanitas. I knew he was.

“But his name was Vanitas and he was in station A.”

He was dead, gone, just like that and I hadn't changed it, I didn't stop him, I-  
I couldn't think clearly anymore, not at all.  
I simply stared at the wall in front of me, not knowing what else to do.

“He has left the institution this morning and has now been confirmed to have died of a heroin overdose.”

Jeanne began trembling and without even thinking I just took her hand into mine, just like that black-haired boy with the glasses grabbed Elliot's hand.

“He has written a letter. Or dare I say, a suicide note?”

“That's why he finished it so quickly”, Jeanne whispered and the tears in her eyes were on the verge of falling.

“We want to read it out to you. His words touched us a lot and we're sure that they'll touch you too. If anyone absolutely can't stand this, they're allowed to go.”

Everyone stayed. Nobody stood up, everyone stayed here, just to listen to his last words.  
His last written words. His last words had probably been 'hand over enough heroin to kill me' but I tried not to think further about this.

“After that we're going to talk about what he has told us to talk about.”

He pulled out his letter and sat down.  
Jeanne had buried her head into my arm, Noé was holding his chair as if it meant everything to him.  
He was dead and it was my fault because I hadn't stopped him.

“Hey”, Dupont started, his voice calm, “to fucking nobody. This isn't a letter to drugs like it's supposed to be. This is a suicide note because I am not going to continue living this useless life.”

But had his life really been useless? Hadn't he changed me last night? Why didn't I stop him, fuck, why didn't I just stop him?

“I'm fucked up, yes. Part of that was the heroin, part of that was the meth, part of that was the coke. I don't even try to deny that I'm an addict, but what else is left in my life except for the addiction that's followed me for seven years now?”

Jeanne was sobbing as quietly as possible, and I was still staring at the wall. There were no tears in my eyes.  
I was so sad that I couldn't feel the sadness anymore, I couldn't feel anything at all and I felt bad or that because almost everyone had tears in their eyes, but I didn't.

“I was eleven when I did coke for the first time because my parents kicked me out and died a week later.”

He had told that. His parents had died, just like mine and we both missed them. We had talked about that just a few hours ago and now he wasn't there anymore. Dead because of parents who did not accept him and because of the drugs. I was the same, wasn't I? My father hated me and I started doing drugs because of it. I wasn't really any different from him.

“Due to what? Right, fucking alcoholism. I didn't have money, I didn't have a home, so I ended up on the streets, selling my eleven years old body to creepy strangers and I bought coke.”

I had already known that he had prostituted himself at that age, but that didn't make the imagination of that any better.

“Oh shit, did I buy coke and prostitute myself. I'm not gonna lie, I did that until yesterday. Now I'm in a stupid ass rehab, I'm going to get myself out of here exactly after finishing this letter.”

He didn't. He had waited to smoke his last cigarette, in my company, he had decided to talk with me before he had committed suicide.  
Probably everyone thought that he had finished that letter at five in the morning.  
He hadn't. It was finished since he came to my room.  
I breathed out audibly and Noé looked at me.

“I'm ok”, I whispered and he just continued crying like before. It hurt to see him like this, it just hurt.

“They think the could help me. They think that I could get well. Me? Feeling alright? Shit, a dream. It is a dream and it will always stay a dream.”

That was the part why I hadn't even tried to stop him, because he didn't want help because he thought that he'd never be alright ever again and to be honest I... understood that. I understood why he didn't want to live on.

“Everyone in here has hope. Noé wants to help people not to fall into the addiction addiction pit”, yes and that was why I loved him – if I had had a Noé in my life before this, I probably wouldn't even have started in first place.

“Astolfo finally realized that smoking weed doesn't help his problems”, yeah, yeah, I knew that. I knew that the only two things that could help me were surgeries and hormones. But just because I realized that weed doesn't solve the actual problems, that didn't mean I'd never relapse. I had told him and Noé that I'd try, so I was going to try.

“Gilbert may seem weak, but he is stronger than most in here”, I looked at the man who was blinking away his tears now, seemingly needing a cigarette.

“Oz and Roland may seem hopeless too, but if they really give it their all, they can get healthy and have a good life without illegal or legal substances fucking up their lives.”

Oz simply smiled through all his tears.

“Well, I'm not one of them. I lost my parents at the age of eleven, I got kicked out by them a week before, I started cocaine and selling myself when I was twelve, I started heroin and meth when I was fifteen. That was three years ago. Three years ago I found my two and only best friends.”

But Jeanne and me, I was sure, we would have been able to become friends with him and Noé too, Vanitas was not as hopeless as he might have thought.

“Shit, that may seem dumb, but I would really like a good life. But there's not going to be one. The wounds and the scars are too deep for that. My depression is too deep for that, the anxiety attacks are too hard, there is no single possibility for me to ever become happy.”

But... wasn't there always a way out? And wasn't that way... worth it? After all, I would be able to start hormones.  
I would be able to get the surgeries I wanted.  
Wasn't there always another way?

“I'm not blaming the addiction for my death which is soon to come.”

But it was part of it, wasn't it?

No. I knew that I was lying to myself. Without drugs, Vanitas would probably have died earlier. Those drugs made him high and this high kept him alive.  
But being alive and on drugs was the exact same thing like being dead.

“I'm blaming my parents.”

I was blaming my parents too, I was blaming his parents, why couldn't parents just accept if their child was different? What was so difficult with that? Accepting someone shouldn't be hard. And respecting should be even less hard.  
But that had never been the case for my father.

“I'm blaming society.”

Yeah, society. Society who thought that trans people were just men in women clothes or the other way around, society who thought that addicts were poor homeless people who were at fault for their addiction, even if they weren't at all.

“I'm blaming all the therapists.”

Miller and Gerbel looked at each other and even though I didn't like them, I pitied them right in this moment. They also had tears in their eyes.

“I'm blaming all the people who have used and destroyed a child, I blame all the fucking people I have seen dying in the streets, be it from cold or an overdose.”

I blamed fucking everyone who had made this child see this.  
He had not deserved this, not in any fucking way.

“I blame myself the most though. I blame myself for not seeking help because I was too proud and too afraid at the same time.”

I understood this too well – I knew that I should have called therapists and I should have asked them for help with my family, I shouldn't have swallowed everything my father had said, I shouldn't have stayed quiet about everthing.  
Just because I was too proud to accept help. Stupid. I had been so, so stupid all my life.

“I just want to fucking die. I want to leave this world. I want to leave this world which is so full of people who hate me and who love me and shit, I want to hurt them like they have hurt me. A stupid revenge, huh?”

Yes, it was stupid. Because we loved him and he hurt us.  
It wasn't fair. Everything about this stupid shit was just so unfair.

“Killing them would probably be better, but killing myself in jail would just be hard, I remember having that one friend who came out of jail and killed himself the next day because he had no possibility to do so in there.”

That had been the case for Vanitas himself and the rehab. He hadn't been able to do it in here, s he had to get out. Shit, shit.

“Shit, I'm so fucked up. I just want a right here and cut a 'good-bye' into my skin and then let mself bleed out slowly and painfully. My life was painful. I think this is also the way I should die – the way my life was.”

No, no, he did not deserve this. He hadn't deserved death at all.  
No one deserved this.  
Fucking no one.

“Noé would probably scream at me for this and tell me that my life will be wonderful after this.”

“Yes, I would”, he whispered and choked on his own tears and I put my hand to his arm, trying to calm him down, but it didn't help at all.

“The truth is that it won't. I have nowhere to go, I have no idea what I could even do in my life. I have no motivation at all to do anything, except for ramming a fucking knife into my heart to make it stop beating.”

Jeanne was still holding my arm, and she was trembling, she was trembling so much.  
I didn't need to cry now. I had to comfort them, right? That was what friends were there for.  
I only had fake friends up till now. I had no idea how this work.

“I'm sick. I'm so, so, so sick of all that shit going down here. Just look at Elliot and how he got pulled into that stuff, or at Jeanne who got sexually abused and found her peace in alcohol.”

She whimmered into the cloth of Oz' pullover and I didn't know what I was supposed to do.

“I don't blame anyone for getting addicted. Killing the pain feels good, so good and there can not be anything better than the bitter burning of alcohol in your throat” - Jeanne gulped - “or the prickling pain in your nose after doing cocaine.”

Yes. There wasn't anything better than putting that stupid joint to your mouth and just forgetting all your problems as soon as the high hit, as soon as you just breathed in a sweet smoke for some times.

“Hey, lovely therapist guys, you're probably waiting for me to say that this is a joke, huh? Ha, no, it isn't. I don't give a fuck about my life anymore because it means nothing. I deserve death. I suffered enough in my life. And you people can't help me. Just accept that. Don't go and look for me when you open that letter after I left. Just don't. Don't care about me – I'm not worth being cared about.”

But he was worth being cared about. He was an actual kind human being behind all his snarky masks and seriously, I had liked him, he was good for talking.  
And even if he wasn't worth caring about – I had cared about him, last night.

“I'm only worth being abused and used as a toy for grown men and women who find pleasure in paying a twelve years old kid to have sex with them.”

I still hated all those people for buying him instead of taking him home with them and caring about him as if he was their own child.  
I fucking hated them.

“I'm going to die and shit, I surely am excited for that. Is there something awaiting me after death? Is there a god? Is there a heaven? Will I find someone up there who loves me? Will I see my parents again? Will I see my only three friends again? I'll find out tomorrow. Only a few hours left in this world which wants me dead so desperately.”

No. We hadn't wanted him dead, that was not right.  
I wanted him to be sitting next to me, right now.

“And hey, world, god, Mom, Dad. I'm going to fulfill your wish. I'm going to die. I'm finally going to find my peace. Peace without heroin and cocaine and meth. That is truly a dream.”

It was a dream, for me too, but I'd stay strong. Just a few months and one year until I would be able to take testosterone. Just... I would survive this time and then I'd find my peace. While being alive.  
Not while being dead, like he did.

“Talking about dreams – what are your dreams? I want you to talk about that in the next group therapy. Talk about your dreams. Talk about it honestly. If it is killing yourself, great! If it's relapsing, great! If it's finding happiness, then you are one of the people I look up to and I want you to know that you deserve the world, more than I ever did.”

Vanitas had deserved the whole universe.  
There were tears creeping up in my eyes and I didn't manage to hold them back anymore. It was ok. I was finally feeling something. A sob escaped my lips and not even a second after I found myself in Noé's arms.  
He stroked my back and I put my hands to his shoulders in a desperate attempt to calm us both down.  
I had gotten so used to his touch by now that it was insane. 

“You don't deserve to see the world I have seen – and if you have, shit. You're probably like me now.”

Then... he has written wishes for every single one of you. We'll hand them out to you after the group therapy, if that's ok.”

Everyone just nodded, but no one said a single word. 

“Dear me, you're going to be in peace as soon as you leave here and find either enough heroin or a knife.”

He had found enough heroin.

“I'm so happy that it's finally going to be over. I'm so happy that there's still a life waiting for all of you and I'm happy that I will observe it from somewhere else.”

That was a beautiful thought though. Maybe he was watching us, right now.  
Maybe he was regretting his decision.  
Hopefully he was regretting it.

“Those are the last meaningful words anyone will ever hear of me. Shit, there are tears in my eyes. Even though I hate this world, it hurts to leave just like that. After all I've lived here for eighteen years, right? As soon as you, therapists, read this, I'll already be dead. Please tell everyone to stay strong. I know that I'm not strong, but it's not worth it anymore. I guess this is goodbye then, huh? Well, goodbye. Live your fucking dreams.”

And... that was it? Those were supposed to be his last words? Fuck, little did they know that his last meaningful words were a 'good luck', directed at me.  
Shit, shit.  
I buried my head in Noé's pullover.  
I couldn't think anymore, it was as if my mind was just blocked.

“So, we're going to talk about your dreams now. Tell us what you want to do, like Vanitas has said it. I want you to tell me what you truly want.”

“Noé, do you want to start?”

He nodded and let go of me, then he stroked away his tears and swallowed.

“I want to become a drug counselor because I don't want to lose someone else to drugs. I just want to help people to not even start and I want to help them out of it if they did start. I-”, his voice broke away, “I want to find someone I love and marry that person. I want to become happy and just keep people away from those stupid drugs. We don't need them to be happy, I know that now. Nobody needs them to be happy.”

My attention span went off and I didn't know what else he said and it only came back to me when it was the black-haired guy's turn who was stroking Elliot's hand with his thumb now.

“I want to live”, he breathed out and Elliot just pulled him close.

I could see that they loved each other. I could see it in both their eyes and in the closeness between them.

“I want to... stop drinking”, Jeanne said and held onto my arm again.

“I... want to bring that asshole into prison myfuckingself. I want to ask him what he had thought when he raped me. I want to... I want to ask him why he didn't just go into a brothel and bought someone. I... I don't want to end up like Vanitas. I just want to be happy. I want to find a girlfriend. I want to... find a job again. I want to sew myself a dress to wear as soon as I'm out of here so that I have something to remember me to never start drinking again. It's your turn, Astolfo.”

I opened my mouth, but I couldn't say anything, my tongue didn't move, I could barely breath.  
Noé looked at me and I coughed and felt myself trembling when everybody stared at me.

“I”, I gasped, then I cleared my throat, “I want to become happy.”

Domi was raising her eyebrows from across her room and Noé smiled at me and that smile killed me.

“That's a beautiful wish, Astolfo.”


	12. IN MY MIND - 12

Chapter 12

I opened my eyes and looked around the room.

The sun was already shining through the window. Noé was gone. He wasn't there anymore. Had he returned at least? Jeanne, Sharon and him had gone to the police yesterday and I hadn't seen any of them since. What time was it anyways?  
I glanced at the alarm clock next to me.

Seven in the morning. Time for my joint. Not anymore, shit.

I stood up, went into the bathroom and picked up Oz' other Shirt. I would still be able to wear the pants one more day.  
I really needed clothing.

I yawned, put a towel in front of the shower and got undressed.

As usually, I didn't look down at all, I just followed the movements I had to. Take off T-Shirt, take off pyjama pants, take off the underwear.  
And without wanting it, I looked into the mirror.

In the mirror was a girl.

She was beautiful. She had a quiet beautiful body, normal breasts, normal thighs, normal hips, a normal face.

She was just what people would consider beautiful. Maybe a little too skinny and maybe the nose was a bit too big, but that was it.  
But this girl in the mirror, that wasn't me.  
I knew that that was me, I knew that that was my body, but I didn't really understand that... this was me.

Because it wasn't. I didn't look like this, I didn't... no, I wasn't supposed to look like a girl.

I wasn't supposed to have breasts and those large hips, god, that was so stupid.

Tears came into my eyes and I turned around to not have to look at this girl anymore.  
I didn't want to see her, but I kept seeing her, every single fucking day.

I stepped into the shower and turned on the water, but I didn't even let it run until it was warm because I just wanted to get dressed.

I washed my hair and my body, suppressing the panic that was surfacing in my body as soon as I touched my chest, I closed my eyes to not be able to look down anymore and see how wrong all of this was. Wrong, wrong, everything in this life was wrong.

My fucking body, I had a crush, I had let Vanitas die.

Ok, I just needed to get out of here to think about something else. I would be able to do this, I knew.  
I got out of the shower, just opening my eyes to grab the towel. It was freezing cold.

I dried myself as quickly as I could, stepped into the underwear, Oz' pants, his t-shirt and the socks.

I looked at the mirror.

That still wasn't me, but it looked more than me.

I dried my hair and then stepped out of my room to get to breakfast. I was hungry, I hadn't eaten much yesterday because Vanitas' death had weighed too heavy and it still did, but I could feel emotions again.

I could finally really feel that sadness.  
There was no one here. What the fuck?

“Hello?”, I asked and sighed. Was that a nightmare or what? Was I in one of those creepy mental hospitals from horror movies now or what?

I sighed and sat down at the table anyways.  
They'd come sooner or later. Why hadn't someone woken me up anyways?

I let my head sink down onto the table. I was still so goddamn tired.  
And suddenly I heard footsteps and loud singing and only a moment later I realized that they were singing 'Happy Birthday to you' and then I realized that it was, indeed, my birthday.

I just stared at them pretty much confused and then I had to smile when everyone of them was wearing a stupid party hat made from paper.

Noé looked... so silly with that that I just started laughing and as soon as they were done, they started laughing too.

Jeanne was the first one to come towards me and hug me and wish me Happy Birthday.  
Happy Birthday in a rehabilitation center, sure thing.

I was clean.

On my last birthday I had smoked one more joint as a present.

But this time, everyone was holding some kind of little package and honestly, that sight was so beautiful that there were tears in my eyes again and that whole dysphoria shit from before the shower was just forgotten.

She gave me the small package and stepped aside for Noé who just raised me into the goddamn air and hugged me and I wanted him to let me down so I kind of squealed, but that made me feel like a girl, but it didn't matter.  
Not in that moment.

“Happy Birthday, Astolfo!”

I just kind of melted into his arms and held onto him far too long, but shit, shit, that guy. That guy had saved me.  
He let go and smiled at me.

“Here, I hope that you'll like this!”

His present was obviously a book.

“It's a book. Of course I like books.”

He smiled and I just got tackled over by Oz and I wanted to scream, but hey, I wasn't going to.  
Everyone hugged me and gave me their presents and Sharon was the last  
.  
“Noé and Jeanne organized all of that and went out to buy those presents yesterday after we were in the police station”, she explained and there were tears in my eyes again. Those two were just too kind. I wanted to marry them, both of them.

“You already received your present from Slide?”

I nodded and grinned. I loved this guy, seriously. He was the best therapist I could have ever had.

“Wonderful. Then let's have breakfast. Gil will bake some cake with me after that for you.”

“Sharon, don't help him, please, I'll do it”, Jeanne interrupted, “the last time you tried to make cake, it got burnt. I'll do it, Sharon.”

I had to laugh at the thought and Sharon just threw her hands into the air as an act of defense.

“Let's just eat, ok?”

 

After breakfast everybody wanted me to open the presents.

Most of them were simply sweets, but Noé's book a Warrior cats book and I really wondered how he had picked up on my childish love for those, but I loved him even more for that than I already did.

And Jeanne's and Oz' package saved me the most. They were a pair of pants and a t-shirt. In my size. For men. The pants were simply black with some holes and the T-Shirt was also black with red sprinkles on it and honestly, they saved me, I was going to love them forever.

Just for that. Noé and Jeanne were the kindest human beings I've ever met.

I wanted them as my parents. Ok, ok, I would want them as my parents if I didn't have a crush on Noé, at least.

I immediately got into my room to change and ok, the pants were a little too wide, but I had a normal black leather belt, so that didn't really matter and seriously, I loved that. I finally felt... more like me.  
That... that felt so good.  
I loved everyone in here.

What would Vanitas have gifted me if he had still been alive? Probably something weird. After all, that was Vanitas. Maybe he would have gifted me cigarettes or something like this. Something that was not weed, but just pretty much weird.

Seriously, I had barely known him, but I had liked him so much.  
I didn't want him to be dead.

Maybe this was just a nightmare and I'd wake up some day and I'd be a normal guy without breasts and without a stupid weed addiction.

Maybe I was just a normal teenager with a girlfriend or a boyfriend, struggling a bit with school but shit, shit, I knew that it wasn't.

That was me and I had to accept it. There was no way around that anyways.  
Until I got T, I had to accept myself. Somehow. I still didn't know how though.

“Astolfo, we need your help in the kitchen, please, we need another hand!”

With a sigh I stood up and followed Gilbert's instructions while laughing at Sharon who was covered in flour.


	13. IN MY MIND - 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, the cliché absolutely had to happen I could not hold myself back I am very very sorry

Chapter 13

It was one day. One single day until he would leave.

I'd been here for three months now. Three long months and somehow I was still clean and somehow it didn't even feel that bad. Sure, sure, I preferred being high, but after some more conversations with Slide and some tests, I knew that I had depression (not that I didn't know that before) so he had given me some tips and oh wonder, they actually helped.

But still, Noé would leave tomorrow. I really didn't know how I was supposed to deal with that and how I was supposed to live alone in this room.

I didn't know how I would be able to sleep without hearing his steady breaths.

I hated that I always got so attached to persons, first my parents, then my best friend in primary school, then weed, then Noé.

I didn't want to get attached to people anymore. I just wanted to... live by myself. I was sixteen, I was old enough for that by now.

“Hey, Astolfo, they have finally repaired the hole in the gym, do we want to go there, you know, as some kind of... goodbye, I guess?”

I looked at him, not able to do anything except for having the panic resurface in my body that tomorrow, he would simply... be gone.

“Astolfo?”

Tears came into my eyes and soon enough they fell.

Noé looked at me, completely shocked and put his hand to my shoulder.

“Gerbel is here, let's go to the gym and talk there, ok?”

I nodded and wiped the tears away with my arm.  
As soon as we had walked down the stairs, Noé put an arm around my shoulders and even though I was kind of afraid to do this, I pulled him into a hug.

“Don't go”, I sobbed into his shirt and soon enough I felt his arms closing around me and I just pressed myself into him.

Warm, he was so, so warm and my legs began trembling at how close he was and I was barely able to breath.  
Shit, shit, that crush wasn't a simple crush anymore. This was turning into a full-on feeling of being in love.  
My cheeks were burning by now, but I didn't care. I needed him. He couldn't leave tomorrow, how was I supposed to stay here?

“Hey, ssssh...”

I should tell him.  
It was what Vanitas had written in his letter after all. I should... tell Noé.

I... should at least try, right?  
I sobbed again.

“Astolfo? Hey, hey, calm down, hm? You can do that, I believe in you. You're gonna stay clean, hm?”

He let go of me and sat down on one of the benches, pulling me down with him.

“Hey, listen, Astolfo. You're going to stay clean and I'm going to visit you. As soon as you're out, maybe we can meet up some more, hm? So hey, get out as quickly as possible!”

I shook my head and grabbed his arm to hold something and his arm didn't seem as intimate as his hand.  
I buried my face in his shoulder and just breathed in his smell.  
He put his hand to my head and stroked my hair.

“Seriously, I believe in you, you can totally do this. Without me. Jeanne is still there and Oz and all the others. You can do that.”

“Who'll... who'll be there for me when... I'm having a panic attack and...?”

He looked at me, fiercely now.

“Astolfo. You can do that and I know that.”

I should tell him. I should... tell him. It was what Vanitas had wanted, so...

“Noé”, I breathed out, closing my eyes, taking a deep breath.

I knew that I wasn't able to say that. I knew. It was... I had never said that and actually meant it at the same time.  
I gripped his arm tighter.

“Mh?”, he whispered and I knew that he would reject me, shit, I knew that he would.  
I was too young, I was only sixteen and overall, I was a hopeless addict and I fucking hated my body, I just...  
Nobody would be able to love me.  
Not like this, not when I looked like this.

“I... uh I-”, I stuttered and found that I couldn't tell him.

“Uh... never mind”, I said and he laughed out and just kept laughing.

“Astolfo, what was that now?”

He let go of me and smiled.

“C'mon, tell me what's wrong, hm?”

I shook my head.

“No, no, that was stupid, never mind, seriously.”

He wouldn't love me back. Of course he was extremely nice to me, but that was just because he was Noé and of course he was nice.

I sighed and wiped away my tears. This whole ass thing was stupid. I wouldn't tell him, no matter what Vanitas wanted.  
After all it wasn't as if I desperately wanted to be in a relationship with him, I knew that I was... well, too young for now.

And it also wasn't as if I had some kind of urge to kiss him or something like that.

Ok, ok, I wanted to... hold his hand because it was... warm.  
And yes, I wanted him to hug me, but that was all.

“Are you sure? You look strangely... distracted.”

“Ah no, no, I'm ok now, I guess. I'll... I'm going to stay clean. I'm going to stop all that shit. I just want my hormones and my surgery.”

Yeah, that surely was everything I had been thinking about, ha.  
I had wanted to confess my childishly stupid crush to him, oh god, gladly I hadn't done that, he would probably just have laughed.

Ok, Noé wouldn't laugh at that, but still, that wasn't something I should tell him.  
He put his hand to my shoulder and then he stood up and jumped.

“Glad to hear that! Well, what are we going to do now? Play Badminton?”

I shook my head and grinned.

“I'm so bad at that, oh my god. I was pretty good at Basketball, but I'm not going to play this with this huge Noé-tree.”

He laughed and ran towards the things that were placed in the corner of a room.  
When he turned around, there was a basketball in his hands.

“Catch it”, he said and threw and before I could even react, it was landed right in my chest but gladly it didn't hurt that much.

“Are you trying to kill me?”, I asked and he just continued laughing.

How would it feel to leave this shithole of a place? Well, Noé would know tomorrow.  
And I wouldn't know for some more months.  
Three months, alright. Noé was able to leave tomorrow, after four months.

Sure, he was a lot mature than I was, so obviously I'd need at least five or six months until I could get out.  
I'd be able to handle that, even without him. I had already survived those three months, I'd survive those other months too.

Just for the sake of transitioning, I'd stay clean.

I began dribbling the ball towards the basket but Noé was already in front of me and slapped it out of my hands.

 

After about two hours we returned to the station, sweating but we were both smiling.

“You two look as if you had sex”, Elliot laughed out and I could feel myself blush.

“Hey, haven't you heard that doing sport also releases endorphines?”, I screamed and Elliot just continued laughing until I got really angry.

“Elliot, please!”, I said and turned around to Noé, “please say something to him, Noé!”

“We did in fact, not have uh... sex”, he said and grinned, “but I talked Astolfo into playing Badminton with me and he kept moaning.”

“Can't you two just shut up now?”, I asked and threw my arms into the air.

Seriously, I had thought that Noé was completely innocent, but he was just innocent, not completely innocent.

“What's going on here?”, Gilbert asked and looked at us in complete confusion.

“They're bullying me, so help!”, I said and he looked at Elliot and Noé.

“Stop”, he simply said and I facepalmed. Yes, Gilbert, that... would surely help.

And even though I absolutely didn't want to, there was a smile on my face, growing bigger and bigger with ever second.  
Those people were my friends. They were the first people I could call friends.  
And Oz and Jeanne, oh, I loved all of them.

“Noé, promise me that you won't fall back into addiction, ok?”, Elliot said and Noé nodded.

“Of course I won't. I'm more than a stupid addiction. One day I'll come back here and work in here and if I see any of you again, I'm going to chop off your heads.”

Gilbert laughed out loud.

“I'm sure you'll do fine. And man, in two weeks I'll be able to smoke, guys!”

Elliot raised his eyebrows.

“Weed or nicotine?”

It seemed to take him some more seconds until he realized the meaning of this.

“Wait, you'll leave in two weeks?”, he stuttered and now it also hit me.

Gilbert would... leave? Just like... that?

“Yes, Slide told me that I'm ready. I'm not... that sure myself though. You know, I've tried quiting cigs a bunch of times and never succeeded and I'm not sure that it'll be different for the weed, but... I'll try my best. Vanitas told me that... I'd be strong enough.”

“Oh, what did he tell you guys, by the way?”, Noé suddenly asked and I felt myself becoming beet red once again.

Shit.

“He asked me if... love was worth all of that but you know what? It was. Meeting Leo was the best thing that could have happened to me. I... love him.”

Ah, now I finally knew his name.

“And he told me that he's going to stay clean because he doesn't... want to end up like him, you know? And I believe that he won't. I believe in him and that he's going to stay clean. And I'm finally going to stay clean, too.”

Noé smiled at Elliot and patted his shoulders, looking at me then.

“What has he told you?”

Oh, he had told me lots of things in that night. He had told me that I could do it and that I was too young for Noé for now, he had told me that he was sad to die, he had told me that he had loved his parents just like I had loved mine, even though I had hated them.  
And even though he had said that I was too young, he told me to tell Noé.  
I felt my hands beginning to tremble.

“That I... uh... that I...”

I swallowed.

“That I would be able to stay clean, too.”

None of them was supposed to know that I had talked with him and hadn't stopped him from committing suicide.  
And nobody needed to know about my crush on Noé, anyways.

“I think that he has told us the same thing, mostly”, Gilbert said, smiling slightly melancholic.

I nodded, trying not to look as if I had lied, but Noé looked at me and raised his eyebrow.

“Astolfo, are you ok?”

I nodded quickly and looked away nonetheless.

“Yes, I am. Kind of, at least. I'm as ok as I can be. Anyways, I'm going to shower now, if that's ok.”

Noé nodded and waved at me when I had already started walking towards our room and the shower.  
I already undressed as quickly as I could with closed eyes and also showered with closed eyes, even though I hit my head several times and almost slipped.

I stepped out of the shower and into my underwear. Seriously, why did every slip made for girls and women have a bow on it, as if that made anything cuter, seriously.

And suddenly the door was opened and I had never been so glad before that I wasn't facing the door but standing with my back into it's direction.

The door was immediately slammed shut so quickly that my mind was barely able to comprehend what had just happened.

“I totally forgot you were in the shower, why didn't you lock the door, also don't worry, I only saw your back!”

And even though I was supposed to be completely embarrassed, I broke out into laughter and I wasn't able to calm down.

I put on the rest of my clothes, combed my hair and stepped out of the bathroom.  
I was too lazy to dry it now.

“It's ok, Noé, you immediately closed the door, so it's completely fine. And I don't really care if you see my back and my legs naked because, well, those are just my legs and my back.”

I sat down on my bed and looked at the book of jokes that Slide had given me.

“O-ok... if you uhm... say so...?”

I grinned at him by now.

“Of course something awkward like that had to happen on your last day here, huh?”


	14. IN MY MIND - 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everthing's basically going down from here.

Chapter 14

I was sitting around with Noé and Jeanne on the sofa, trying not to break out into tears like I already had in the night.

Noé's suitcase was neatly placed beside him and his hands were slightly shaking.

“Noé, are you alright?”, Jeanne asked and he nodded, still smiling.

“I'm just excited. I'm also excited to finally meet my brother again. I haven't seen him in such a long time, since Astolfo arrived because Louis had to work so much and... I just missed him so much.”

He hadn't seen his brother in three whole months. I hadn't seen any of my family members in three months, too. But his brother was alive at least.  
My family wasn't.  
I still recalled the conversation I had had with Vanitas in the night before he had died.

'I miss my parents too', he had said.

Yes, fuck, I missed my mother and my sister but I barely missed my father.

“I'm happy for you”, I said and I meant it. I was so, so devastated that he was going to leave, but at the same time I was just... happy.

He would be free.

And I was sure that he wasn't going to start again. After all this was Noé.  
He wouldn't. He'd help all the people who needed his help so that they wouldn't fall int the same fucking pit we fell into.

“Thanks, Astolfo. And I'm certain that you'll manage. You're strong, you know that? You haven't become depressed because of... your family. I haven't even seen you cry. I cried so much as soon as little me started to understand that I was adopted and that I'd probably never see my parents.”

I had cried when I had talked to Vanitas about it.  
I shrugged and didn't say more. I didn't want him to know about what had happened back then.  
Jeanne pointed at the door.

“Hey, isn't that Louis, if I remember his face right from my withdrawal filled mind?”

Noé jumped up and looked at the glass door and his smile grew.

“Yes, that's him!”

I looked into the direction and god, oh god, that guy was hot and he looked so much like Dominique.

Holy shit.

The door was opened by Amelia and Louis came inside.

He was wearing jeans and a pullover even though it was summer and it was hot.  
Well, they were all black too and I really liked his style.

I could bet that in another universe, we were probably best friends and well, probably addicted to heroin and Noé was our counselor.

Yes, I could imagine that.

“Louis, it's so good to see you!”, he said and his voice was choked by tears and then he just pulled Louis into a tight hug.

They stood there like this for a few minutes, not letting go of each other.  
Jeanne patted my shoulder.

“I'm sure you'll get over him, Astolfo.”

I stared at her and didn't get what she said for a few seconds.

“Jeanne, they're siblings, not boyfriends, that'd be creepy.”

She laughed out.

“I know, I know, I just wanted to tease you a little, you look so sad. C'mon, cheer up! I'm still here, after all!”

I laughed out and then Noé let go of Louis.

“I'm so happy that at least one of you will return home now.”

Noé nodded and brought Louis to Jeanne and me.

“Jeanne, you look great!”

“Well, I'm done with the physical withdrawal after all, I'm supposed to look great!”, she said and smiled.

Noé and her probably arrived at about the same time I guessed. Or maybe Jeanne arrived a few weeks later, that'd mean that we'd get out of here at about the same time too and god, I was so glad about this. I really wanted Jeanne to stay with me. After all I needed her to cut my hair. And I really just wanted to be in one room with her, now that Noé was ready to go.

Louis smiled and then looked at me.

“You're Astolfo, right?”

Louis looked a little confused.

“Noé, didn't you say that he is sixteen?”

Noé stared at Louis with an open mouth.

“Oh, yeah, I probably forgot to mention that he's trans and that he maybe looks a little younger than other boys his age, but I just forget about that so easily.”

Dear god, Noé was such a sweetheart. He simply didn't care about any of this at all.  
For him, I was a boy. I was just a normal boy so that he didn't even tell people that I was trans.  
And shit, that was the mindset every person needed to have.

“...Oh”, Louis said and began grinning, “well, alright then. Nice to meet you, Astolfo. Noé already cried over telephone that he's going to miss you.”

“Ah, you did, Noé? Interesting, guess there's hope after all”, Jeanne sang and I was so close to slapping her, but I would not slap this pure soul.

She was grinning from ear to ear and I was just becoming red in my face once again, great.

“Well, yeah, I like Astolfo! Promise me to call me, Astolfo, please!”

I nodded. We could call someone twice a week and usually nobody was really allowed to visit regularly, but nobody of the nurses or the therapists had forbidden it either.  
After all we had to somehow keep in touch with the world outside.

“Yeah, I will, you dork”, I said and Jeanne just pushed her elbow into my ribs and I wanted to kill her for this because Louis was staring now and he raised an eyebrow and I shook my head in complete desperation.

Seriously, couldn't Jeanne just keep quiet?

Well, at least Noé didn't have any clue what this was about. What had I even expected? This was Noé. He wouldn't understand a tiny bit, of course.  
I just became more and more relieved that I hadn't told him that yesterday.

“That's cool! Then... I think it's time to say goodbye, huh?”

And now I couldn't hold back my tears anymore and I saw that it wasn't any different for Jeanne.

“Noé, you can't just leave like that now!”, Jeanne sobbed and just started hugging him.

“I'm so glad that you went to the police with me so that they're now searching that asshole.”

“Inform me as soon as he's caught, ok? I can also come to all the appointments with you, I'll take that time. Call me, Jeanne, whenever you need help, ok? And god, promise me to never touch alcohol ever again.”

She nodded against his chest.

“I promise you, I swear to god, I'll cancel that shit and I'd rather not go to parties than even see or smell it. I really don't want to fall back into this shit, seriously. I'm... I'm better than this.”

He put his hands into her hair and stroked it, Louis was standing next to me now.

“You like him?”, he whispered and I almost jumped out of my own fucking skin.

“No, of course I don't! I'm only sixteen after all!”

Louis snickered and just raised his damn eyebrow again.

“Tell me what you want but you're crushing on my brother and I mean, wait until you're eighteen and then ask him out, Noé really needs a girlfriend or a boyfriend to keep his room clean. Actually... don't wait until you're eighteen. He needs a boyfriend for his room right now.”

“Even if I had a crush on him, I wouldn't keep his room clean, he's old enough for that!”, I whisper-screamed at him and Noé and Jeanne were staring at us by now.

“What are you two talking about and why does Astolfo look so angry?”, Noé asked, let go of Jeanne and walked towards me then, he put a hand to my shoulder.

“Doesn't matter”, I grumbled and glared at Louis.

“How...ever”, Noé mumbled and looked Louis in confusion.

“Astolfo. I wish you all the luck in the world for everything.”

He took my hands and pressed them just like he had done in the first night in which I had been there.

“Please stay strong. You deserve your damn hormones and you'll get them, I promise. As soon as you're out of here, we'll meet up, but I'm going to come and visit you as often as I can.”

I nodded and he stroked away my tears with his thumb.

“No crying over me, ok, dude? Cry over something more important, like, I don't know, cats.”

“Cats are totally worth being cried about”, I tried to say but my whole sentence was broken by a sob and he pulled me into a tight hug, like all the other times.  
Fuck, fuck, I loved him.

“You'll do so great, I know that”, he whispered and I nodded against his chest, knowing that I was straight-up lying.

I needed weed and the cravings were just getting worse with every single day during which I had to feel my chest and my thighs and my hips.  
I needed weed more than anything else. Or alcohol or no idea what just to numb that shit. I didn't want to feel.  
But I couldn't tell Noé about this. He had been the only one who had kept me from just trying to get out and go buy weed.  
I sighed into his chest and I could feel his shirt becoming wet because of my tears.  
And because of Jeanne's tears.

“You'll be ok, Astolfo. I'll come by. I promise. Give me your address too when you get out. You probably won't go back to that orphanage, right?”

I shook my head and let go of him to look at him properly now.  
His dark skin and his white hair and his beautiful eyes.  
I wouldn't see any of this for at least a week now. If he came by once a week, that'd be enough for me to keep holding on.

“No, Slide and I are currently looking for a foster family who could accept me because they could do more for me than an orphanage too.”

Noé nodded and shit, he was still smiling and I loved his smile.

“I think that's a good solution. Man, I'd adopt you, but that'd be really strange because I'd be your father then.”

Jeanne, Louis and I just started laughing very hard and Jeanne breathed out a 'daddy' and in my mind, I slapped her for that again.

“No, Noé, please not. I don't want one of my best friends to be legally considered my dad, but thanks for the offer I guess.”

The tears in my eyes were now because of my laughter.

“I'd also prefer that, don't worry”, he said and was also chuckling quietly now.  
He put his hand to my head and patted it once again.

“I'm going to leave now, ok?”

Louis grabbed Noé's suitcase and made a few steps in the direction of the door.  
Jeanne and I just nodded, not able to do more than that and she grabbed my arm again, just like she had done when Vanitas had died.

“Yes... good-bye, Noé”, Jeanne said and I just nodded, my tears were choking me and I was feeling sick to the bone in that moment.

Everything had gone so perfectly fine but now I was losing the person who had held me all the time.  
I was not losing him, to be exact. But he wouldn't be around me twenty-four seven now.

Shit.

Noé waved at us all the time when they walked along the hallway and ended up opening the door.

He waved at us until we couldn't see him anymore.


	15. IN MY MIND - 15

Chapter 15

“He's gone already, huh?”, Gilbert asked and Jeanne stared at him angrily.

“Just don't mention it, please”, she said and stared at the number he had given to me.

“When are you going to call him?”, she asked and I shrugged.

“Tomorrow I guess”, I whispered and already felt tears on the brim of falling again.

“Don't cry, Astolfo, okay? Please, don't. You'll just make me cry too...!”, Jeanne sobbed and Gilbert looked at us, a little confused and a little sad.

“He's not dead. He's just gone. You guys can call him and he can visit and after you're out you can visit and meet him as much as you guys want to.”

“That's not even it, Gil!”, I screamed and threw my arms into the air, but then I shut my mouth because I didn't want to tell him.

I had already told Jeanne that I had tried to tell him but failed completely and well, she had just grinned even though she had cried.

“Oh, uhm... what's it, then?”

“I'm a dumbass”, I simply said and Jeanne laughed out and nodded.

“Astolfo, I swear to god, all of us are so fucked up, dumbass is not even the right word to describe us! We are fucking addicts!”

I had never heard Jeanne say two 'fuck'-words in one sentence and that kind of shocked me. Her and Noé really weren't as innocent as I thought.  
Well, well, ok.

“You two confuse me, I'm just going to, uh... leave you alone, ok?”

Gilbert waved and left. I saw Slide walking towards us and he waved.  
Everyone was just waving, oh god.

“Hey, Astolfo, do you have time now or- oh, yeah, Noé has left, I forgot for a moment.”

I shook my head and sighed.

“It's ok.”

My voice was slightly hoarse though.  
I stood up and put the sheet of paper with the number on it into my pockets.

“Alright, come here then, hm?”

I shrugged and followed him to wherever he was leading me to.  
It was his room, of course. I was really confused about everything right now because I was just so done after crying.  
I sat down at the chair I always sat down on.

“Alright, Astolfo. How are you feeling?”

“Like crap”, I said. I was not going to lie about this now. I wasn't going to lie to Slide anymore. All of that wasn't worth it.

“I thought so.”

And he just smiled at me.  
When I looked into his eyes, I saw that they also looked... sad.

Of course I knew that therapists were simple humans like me, too, but seeing how sad he seemed... I just realized that.

I had always looked up to him, but even he wasn't as strong as I thought he was.

“I've... wanted to ask you for a while, Astolfo, but I didn't because I thought you might... you know, be angry.”

“Just ask, I don't really care”, I said. Not when it was Slide. I trusted that guy. He was extremely kind. And compared to Gerbel, he was an angel.

Gerbel was such an asshole, I had no idea how Oz was able to live with that guy as his therapist.

“The thing Vanitas had written about you in his letter... is that... right?”

I felt my cheeks become red and I wanted to die and somehow I managed to nod.  
In the next moment I wished I hadn't. But this was Slide, he wouldn't react to badly, would he? Ok, he was not in the position to tell me anything about that, but well, I could bet that Gerbel would do that.

I looked to the floor.

“Do you want to talk about it or rather not?”

I shrugged.

“I don't know. I can talk about it with Jeanne. I mean, I know that I'm too young and all that stuff so it wasn't as if I was going to try anything anyways, you know?”

And suddenly everything spilled out. I didn't necessarily want to tell him, but I had to tell someone who could help me.

“I mean, ok, ok, for some reason I uh... fell in love with him. And I don't know why, I mean he looks good, ok, but I don't fucking care about looks anyways. It's just that he's so kind and nice and when I almost threw up in the first night and... he just held me all night and he held me every time I cried and I mean, yeah, physical contact isn't really allowed in here, but I hadn't been held in someone's arms for such a long time. And he just... he's just so caring and well, I'd prefer if I wasn't in love with him and now I can't help it. And I know that Vanitas has... written that I should tell him. I think... he meant that I should tell him as soon as I feel ready to and I don't feel ready now because I know he'd reject me. So I won't, for now. I mean, I'll probably fall out of love soon enough. I hope so, at least. And... I don't know why Vanitas has told me in person.”

Slide's face softened and I knew that he knew.

“You were outside with him, right? I wanted to give the joke book I bought to the nurses but then I saw Vanitas and you stepping down the stairs and... I gave it to Noé. Don't worry. I can understand why you haven't told us.”

Gerbel would have probably killed me, but Slide was just...  
Shit, I loved that guy.  
I nodded.

“Yeah, I mean, I didn't want to betray him and he told me his story so I was kind of... I didn't think that anyone could really try to help him and that I just wasn't in the position to tell someone if they can end their life or not and... He was my friend. I didn't want to betray him. I didn't tell anyone. Everyone would think that it's my fault that he died and... well, fuck, it is.”

Slide shook his head, still smiling at me softly.

“It is not, Astolfo. You're only sixteen. You're not a psychologist. And you didn't make this decision, it was him himself who made this decision. Nobody could have helped him in that state except for someone who would have locked him away, but that's not what I want to do with my patients. I can't rob their freedom. Of course I would prefer to still have him here. But as it seems no hope was strong enough to keep him here. I just want to know... have you ever considered doing the same thing?”

And that was when I completely shattered into pieces, when I just lost all the shame I ever had, when I lost all the fear I've ever had about telling someone.

“Yes”, I sobbed, “often enough, but I didn't. It's just that I fucking hate that body and I can't stand seeing it everyday so I started weed, if I didn't start weed, I'd probably be dead by now, everything is just getting worse without it because when I'm not high I feel my body more than before and I fucking can't stand this. I can't. All the thoughts are just getting more and more and someday they'll eat me, like... like in one of those pictures on your wall. There's a huge monster above me trying to eat me and kill me and the only thing which is able to keep it away is weed and I... I can't deal with all of this without it. I need it until I get on T. I just need those hormones or I'll die or I'll die as an addict, I have no fucking clue, but I can't do more of this. I just can't.”

Slide reached for the tissues on the table and handed it to me. I took it with trembling hands.  
I wiped away my tears with it but it was no use.  
They just continued streaming down my cheeks and shit, they didn't stop.

I was trembling more than I had trembled when I had still been in the physical withdrawal.  
I couldn't continue living like that. I wanted to end it, like Vanitas had, why hadn't I been in the accident in which my whole family had died in?  
I should have died, like them.

“I'm happy that you're finally starting to open up.”

“Won't you... scold me...? For... considering this?”

Slide shook his head.

“This is your depression and the dysphoria, Astolfo. Your depression is an illness and just like cancer or AIDS, it can kill you. There's no difference except that one has a physical origin and the other doesn't. But I will do everything that's in my forces to make you not have one of those thoughts ever again.”

I nodded and sniffed.

“I don't want to think this. I don't want to... commit suicide. I just want to become happy. And someday, I want to tell Noé what Vanitas has told me to tell. And I know that one day... I will be happy. One day I'll be who I am. And I'm going to stay strong. If I only have to survive one year without weed, I can do it. I... I will... do it.”

Slide was still smiling at me.

“I know you can, Astolfo. If you ever want to talk to me about something like that, just come to me and we'll talk. I won't say anything if you don't want to. Sometimes talking helps, even if you don't get an answer.”

“Yes... thanks”, I said, finally calming down a little. Slide was calming me. No, I was calming myself. I was strong enough myself.  
I didn't need Noé.  
I would prefer to have him here, though.

“What I originally got you for, Astolfo... we found a foster family for you. You could meet them in two days, if you want to. If it doesn't work, we'll obviously look for a new one.”

I stared at him for a few seconds, just blinking away the last tears.

“For... real?”

“Yes”, he answered, “their names are Levi and Lacie Baskerville. They have to daughters. Alice and Alyss. They're twins. One of our nurses would of course be there for the meeting in case you want to meet them.”

I nodded, slowly, but I did.

“I don't want to go back to that orphanage. I want to meet them and see how they are. Where do they live?”

I didn't want to be too far away from Noé and I knew that he lived one hour from this institution.

“Half an hour from here.”

“Which direction?”

Slide started grinning.

“I see why you're asking, Astolfo. Noé's direction. I mean, I'm not allowed to tell you where he lives, but I bet you know it anyways.”

I nodded. Of course I did because of course he had told me.  
I just wanted to see him again.  
He was gone for barely one hour and I was already missing him so much. This night would be so awful.  
How was I supposed to fall asleep alone? It wouldn't work.

“Thanks, seriously. Thank you so much. I'd say that I love you, but that'd come across as weird.”  
Slide laughed out.

“You're strong enough for all of this, Astolfo. I know you are. You're not like Vanitas. Not at all.”  
“Thanks”, I repeated.

And I really was thankful that Slide believed in me like this.


	16. IN MY MIND - 16

Chapter 16

I hadn't called Noé yesterday. He was gone for two days now and I had barely slept in those nights. I didn't have a panic attack, just the usual cravings and stuff, but well, I just wasn't able to sleep without him around.

“Aren't you going to call him?”, Oz asked and smiled at me, seeming sad too that he was gone.

“I think I should, right? He is probably worrying...”

“But don't you want to call him?”, Oz said, confused and I felt a blush on my cheeks.

“I'm probably just going to feel worse after that. I mean, I can't see him and... it's five more days until he'll maybe visit. Maybe.”

Oz put his hand to my shoulder and patted it.

“C'mon dude, be honest, it's only because of your little crush!”

“Wait, why do you know about this?”, I asked and hoped that my cheeks didn't look as red as they felt.

“It's obvious”, he simply said, “come on. Call him. Get the phone and call him.”

I managed to nod. He was right. It was just because I was afraid because of my crush.  
And that was stupid. I wanted to hear his voice.  
I stood up and walked over to Sharon.

“Uh... could I have the phone, please?”

She smiled and pulled it out of her pockets. It was more like a mobile phone, but... smaller.

“Thanks”, I said and walked to Oz.

I sat down.

“Do you have his number?”

“Yeah, I know it by heart”, I stuttered. I had looked at it often enough in the last two days, complaining whether I should call him or not.  
Oz laughed out.

“Shit, I've never seen someone in love like you am.”

“Shut the fuck up!”, I hissed, but he just continued laughing. Well, then he was going to laugh. I didn't care. I just wanted to call him now.

With trembling fingers, I tapped his number and then the green button.  
I put it to my ear and it took a few seconds until he picked up.

“Hi, here's Noé Archvisite”, he said and I felt my mouth become dry.

“It's me”, I breathed out.

“Oh, hey Astolfo! I'm so glad to hear from you! How are you doing, hm?”

I shrugged and then I realized that he couldn't see that. I was used to talking to him in person.

“I uh... I'm not sleeping too well. Slide found a foster family for me though, I'm going to meet them in thirty minutes.”

“That's great! I mean, that he found someone for you. Not that you barely sleep, of course. That's not nice. How much did you cry about me?”

“A lot”, I chuckled, “Jeanne too. I'm still devastated to be honest. I want you back.”

“I miss you too. How are the others doing?”

He missed me. He... he seriously missed me?

“Uh... fine? I guess?” I was stuttering, just because he was missing me.

“Alright. And, uhm... anyone new?”

“No, no one. Jeanne misses you more than I do, I think.”

 

We talked for about ten minutes until his brother screamed at him to give back the phone because he had to make an important call.  
And I felt better, but worse at the same time.  
Hearing his voice had felt so good. But he wasn't here. I would still have to survive a few days to be able to see him again.  
I needed to see him so badly.

Oz hadn't wanted to talk to him. Overall, I barely knew anything about him.  
I didn't think that anyone really knew anything about him.

“And, excited to meet your new family?”, he asked and I shrugged.

“Not if they're as bad as my old family. You know, my father sucked pretty hard.”

Oz suddenly went quite, completely quite. I saw that he was having goosebumps and his fingers were trembling slightly.

“Well, you surely don't need to tell me anything about bad fathers”, he whispered and I looked to the floor. Right. There were people who had it worse than me. There were people... who had worse fathers.

“Sorry”, I said, “I'm not going to mention the topic again, I promise.”

“It's ok.” Oz sighed and got up. “I just need some time for myself, if that's ok.”

I nodded and he left.

I was all alone now.

Everyone else was either in the gym or in their room.  
And I was here all alone, knowing that I'd meet the people in a few minutes I'd hopefully would live with for a few years.  
I barely got really excited, but now I did and I absolutely had no clue if that was good or bad excitement.

I just wanted that they were nice people. And caring. And that they'd accept me being trans. And that they'd help me with my plans and my future.

I buried my head in my hands. If only Noé was here now. He would know how to keep me calm. He'd tell me stupid jokes or something and he'd hold me.  
Ah yeah, shit, I was so in love with him.  
So I waited until Sharon got a call and walked up to me.

“They're here, Astolfo. Are you ready?”

“No idea, really”, I said and Sharon smiled.

“You can do this.”

We walked along one of the many corridors until we reached a room.  
She opened the door and held it open to me.

I stepped inside and immediately saw the two persons sitting there.

The woman had long black hair, brown, almost red eyes and she wore a white summer dress.

The guy looked like the exact opposite of her. He had white hair bond into a ponytail and was wearing a dark blue pullover and a pair of jeans.

They looked normal to me, but at the same time they absolutely didn't.

Sharon walked to them and shook their hands.

“I'm Sharon Rainsworth, but you can just call me Sharon. This is Astolfo.”

She pointed at me.

“You can sit down, by the way”, she said and smiled at me, so I did.   
In front of them. It felt like a therapy session with Slide and overall pretty much weird.  
I was going to live with them if they were ok.

“Uh... hi”, I said and stretched out my hand towards the woman.

“I'm Lacie”, she said, smiling and shook my hand. Her grasp was pretty much fierce so I guessed that she probably had the dominance in the household.

“This is my husband Levi”, she said and seemed slightly annoyed.

“Yo”, he said and just raised his hand as a greeting as if I was just one of his friends.

I didn't give him my hand but looked at him a little confused. Well, ok.

“Don't worry, that guy's a little insane.”

I had to laugh at Lacie when she said that.  
Levi looked at her and raised his hand.

“At least I don't kill the plants.”

Sharon looked at them and there was fear in her eyes, like, real fear.

“Please don't argue as soon as you meet him, oh my god.”

I couldn't stop laughing anymore. All of that was so awkward that I really didn't know how I was supposed to deal with this situation.

“Ok, maybe you could introduce yourself”, Sharon said and I nodded, now excited again.

“Well, my name's Astolfo Granatum and as you can see I'm an addict and uh... well, I'm trans... I like reading, some sports, sometimes I also enjoy gaming and uh...”

Smoking weed. Well, shit, I did enjoy smoking weed, but I couldn't tell them... that.  
Lacie kept smiling at me.

“My husband's a writer, so maybe you could read some of his stuff before he publishes it... ok, depends on what kind of book he writes because that could be a crime story or a cheesy romance story involving some 'Fifty Shades of Grey' stuff and I'd prefer if you don't read those kind of stories.”

Well, little did they know that I had already had sex in reality. Ha, shit. I didn't even want to think about this again.  
The next time I was going to sleep with someone, I'd like it to be someone I really love.

“Yeah, I could totally do that.”

“How are you with children, Astolfo?”, Levi asked and placed his chin into his hands, “We have two daughters who are both nine years old, so it would be cool if you are ok with children.”

I kind of shrugged and had to think about the answer first. I didn't necessarily hate children, but I also didn't really like them. It depended on how annoying they were. And on how they would accept me.

“Uh... depends”, I said and tried to smile but I felt that it had to look weird.

“Miss Rainsworth, can we bring them along next time? But Astolfo, I can tell you that they're both very nice girls. Ok, Alice is a little...”, Lacie coughed, “She's a little... energetic you could say. And she loves meat. If she doesn't get her meat, she'll be angry. Alyss is vegetarian though. Believe me, it's a little complicated with them, but they're both very nice.”

“I'm a vegetarian too, but I don't have any problems with people eating meat because it's not my decision after all. As long as you don't force me to eat it, that is.”

Lacie laughed out and shook her head. “No, we definitely won't do that, no need to worry about that. We'll just bring Alice and Alyss along next time and you can see how it is with them, yeah?”  
I nodded.

“Yep, that'd be nice.”

Seriously, that family sounded refreshing. Not like my former family. I still missed my sister though.

“Uhm... how about you and being trans though? I mean, what exactly do we need to do then?”, Levi asked, but his voice still sounded soft and not as pissed as I had imagined.

“Drive me to a psychiatrist once a week so I can get my testosterone. And after that I'll probably have top surgery, so I'll be in hospital for a few days...”

I felt myself blush. I wasn't used to talking about this so openly.

“Alice broke both of her legs in one year, so we're used to this, don't worry”, Levi said and I breathed out and all the tension in my body faded away.

I hadn't even known that all my muscles were tensed, but now that the relaxed, I felt like a whole new person.

“Could you imagine living with us?”, Lacie asked and I felt myself smile.

“Yes, I think I could.”


	17. IN MY MIND - 17

Chapter 17

I was sitting on the sofa with Jeanne and I was fumbling around with my t-Shirt because shit, I was having a full-blown panic attack.

“Calm down Astolfo.”

“He's already three minutes late”, I breathed out and Jeanne put her hand to my arm.

“He's going to come any moment, I promise. You're finally going to see your crush once again, huh?”

I sighed and glanced at her, hoping that it seemed annoyed enough.

“C'mon, be honest, that's the reason why you're so excited!”

I sighed once again and put my head to her shoulder.

“Just shut up...!”, I whimmered. 

It just kept sitting like this for minutes. I was listening to all the steps and to all the people walking around and talking.  
Oz and Gilbert were having a conversation about how they would keep in touch after Gilbert left.

And suddenly there was a hand on my hair and I shot up and looked into the direction.  
There he was, looking a lot better than a week ago, probably because the food outside tasted a lot better than hospital food.

“Hey”, he whispered and there were immediately tears in my eyes.

“So sad to see me?”, he laughed and I stood up, climbed over the sofa and pulled myself into his arms.

He held me. He just held me in his arms and stroked my back.

“I missed you so much”, I sobbed, but he didn't answer at all.

After a few more seconds, he let go of me and looked at me.

“I missed you, too”, he said and for a short moment the thought of kissing him came into my mind, but I forgot it immediately. I would not do that.

I would just not do that.

I realized that I was staring at his face – or, more precisely, at his lips, so I broke off my gaze.  
Jeanne started laughing behind me and I turned around, biting my lip.

“Jeanne, just don't say anything, please, ok? I'm awkward. Let me be awkward.”

She nodded but continued grinning.

In a swift motion, she stood up, walked towards us and hugged Noé too.

“Dude, I missed you. I really did.”

She wasn't crying but I could see that she was close to do so.

“Let's sit down somewhere, yeah?”, Noé said and waved at Oz and Gilbert who waved back at him.  
I nodded and just stared at his hand. I wanted to take it like I had done all those nights before, but I couldn't do that now.

It felt as if Noé was even more worlds apart from me than before, just because he wasn't in here anymore. He wasn't... an addict anymore.  
He smiled at me and suddenly held a bag towards me.

“Here, Astolfo. I've bought you some things because... well you know, after Oz is gone, you can't borrow any of his clothes anymore, so you need some more things.”

The tears resurfaced again and I just let myself cry.

“But... you spent money for me, Noé, and...! Why, I mean...”

He patted my head and stroked through my hair.

“I wanted to, ok? I want you to become happy. Did you meet your new foster family again or just once?”

He was obviously trying to distract me now.

“Noé, no, but why did you do this and what did you even buy and how much did it cost, I'm going to pay it back to you!”

Noé stared at me in complete shock and sat down on the sofa, sighing very audibly.

“Here, it isn't too much. I just hope it helps you.”

Not too much. Sure, the bag surely wasn't extremely big or something like that.  
He was too good, I wanted to marry him.

“Marry me”, I said without even thinking and Jeanne stared at me and I stared back at her.

“Are you proposing to Noé right in front of me?”

I shrugged.

“He's too good for this world so I want to marry him.”

“Ok, valid, go on. Marry him.”

Noé looked at us in complete confusion.

“Can I agree or disagree before you two plan a marriage or am I just going to marry Astolfo against my own will?”

I wasn't hurt by this and I was amazed by myself. I wasn't... hurt by those words.  
Instead, I laughed.

“No, don't worry.”

I sat down next to him and reached my hand out for the bag.

“Can I...?”

“Of course”, he said and his smile, I swear, that smile was going to kill me and it wouldn't take too long.

Oh my, I was still in love with him and I was going to die.

“Thanks in advance, Noé.”

He handed over the bag and I just reached inside it.

“And?”, Jeanne asked and I just stared at the underwear in my hands.

“Noé? Can you please explain this?”

“The last day. That... reminded me that you, uhm...”, he gesticulated wildly and I just had to start laughing at Jeanne's expression, that was too damn perfect.  
She was just so completely shocked and then she raised both her hands.

“I don't think I understand what's going on here. And I'm not sure if I want to know.”

I shook my head, still grinning like an idiot.

“Noé is a walking cliché. On our last damn day he walked in on me only with underwear but at least I wasn't facing him, so hey.”

Jeanne shook her head now too and then buried her face in her hands.

“You know what, guys? I think you should really marry as soon as Astolfo turns eighteen.”

Noé also shook his head.  
Great, everyone was shaking their heads, that surely didn't look absolutely strange.

“Go on, Astolfo. I've bought some cool stuff or... at least I hope that you like it.”

I tried to ignore Jeanne's burning gaze on me and pulled out the next thing.  
It was a t-Shirt and it was black and just had writing on it.

“Hope... that that is ok.”

“Of course it is, Noé. Of course.”

I wanted to kiss him, oh shit, shit.

The next thing was a Pullover and it was one of those 3D-printed ones and there was a cat eating pizza in space.

“Noé...? Where the hell did you find this...?”

“Amazon. I was just kind of scrolling for Christmas presents... Yes, I start early with that!”, he added when Jeanne raised an eyebrow, “and I thought you'd... like it?”

The last bit was only mumbled as if he was afraid that I wouldn't like it but damn, damn, I sure did.

“No, don't worry, it's extremely cool but I was just wondering where you found this. Thanks so, so much, Noé.”

“Come on, there's still another thing in it!”

I grabbed the last piece of clothing and I was so glad that he had just bought me jogging pants and not another pair of Jeans because that was just so much more comfortable and more practical for a rehabilitation center.

“Noé, marry me.”

Noé and Jeanne both started laughing and I had to join them.

This was probably the happiest I had ever been.


	18. IN MY MIND - 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll continue screaming "edgy teeeeeen" now because I'm being respectless mauahahahah

Chapter 18

It was three in the morning and usually when I had cravings at that time, Noé was there to help me, but he was already gone for three weeks now.

Lacie and Levi also hadn't visited me another time because both their daughters had caught a cold.  
In September. It was still warm outside.  
However they had caught a cold, but well, whatever.

Shit, shit, this was not like the other cravings I had had.  
This was a lot more extreme.

Slide wasn't here, was here? Usually I talked to him when I got cravings that were stronger than usual.  
Usually we talked about the craving and then he'd distract me with a game or whatever.

Noé wasn't here, Slide wasn't here.

So, what was I supposed to do?

Sit it out, probably.  
Well, shit, how was I supposed to just sit around.

I stood up and stretched. Maybe moving would help.  
My legs were shaking and so were my hands.  
I would handle this, I knew.  
I knew that it was just my body – no, my mind – craving weed. I didn't need it. I was aware that this craving would stop.

I stretched again and looked to my desk.  
There was the notebook I had brought for sketching. Maybe I should sketch something and it'd distract me.  
Looking at my trembling hands, I decided that that would not make any sense.  
I'd just lose pages to ugly scribbles.

I breathed in and then out.  
I had felt like this when I had gone into withdrawal. What if I'd start feeling sick now? It could happen.

And now there was panic too.

A panic attack and a craving. I would not be able to handle both of those.

I sat down on the bed again, trying to keep my breathing calm, but no matter how hard I tried to concentrate on my breathing, I didn't manage to actually concentrate enough.

The only thing on my mind was the sweet smell in my nose and the sweet taste in my mouth and that fucking feeling of being high and forgetting my body.

I needed Noé, I needed him so much.

He would help me now, I knew. I couldn't do this alone.

I couldn't handle my breasts and my craving and my panic attack without Noé or Slide or... weed.

No, no.

I shouldn't think about weed. Was there something else I could distract myself with?

A book? Probably not. The title on the cover already didn't make any sense to me in that state of panic I was in.

My hands were sweating, overall I was sweating terribly, my breath was hitching in my throat, my head hurt, I couldn't feel my legs and arms anymore.

Noé wasn't here.  
Slide wasn't here.  
Weed wasn't here.

I couldn't get Noé, nor could I get Slide.

But... I could get weed if I tried hard enough.

I shook my head at myself at that thought, but it did not let me go.

Technically, the door to the rest of the institution was open.  
Technically, the main entrance was open.  
Technically, if I ran quickly enough, I could hide somewhere and then go to a dealer. I'd find one, probably.

I'd been with dealers long enough, I knew where to find them.  
My shoes were right there.

Shit, shit.

I stood up, even though I didn't really want it.

I didn't want to relapse. They'd find out. I didn't want to relapse.

But I needed weed. I needed this drug to be able to calm down, to stop the panic.  
I wasn't strong enough for this.

I just wasn't strong enough.

Swallowing the tears, I grabbed my shoes and put them on, then I took my jacket and pulled up the zipper.

I felt my breasts against the zipper.  
I just wanted to forget them.  
Once, I'd only smoke weed once. 

It would be... only once.

I opened the door and looked outside.  
There was light only in the room of the nurses, but there was no one inside. Maybe they were outside and smoked.  
Lots of our nurses smoked.  
I stayed like this for two more minutes and no one returned which probably meant that they were actually smoking and not just on the toilet or something like this.

I walked outside, keeping my footsteps as quietly as I could with the speed I was walking in.  
Alright. The door was right in front of me.

I didn't know if there'd be an alarm or not. Probably yes because I didn't have the mark on my keychain like Sharon had that made the alarm shut down for the next opening of the door.

I'd have to be quick. I'd have to start running. Did I know the direction?

Right. Then left and then down the stairs. That'd be it.

I knew that there was no therapist in the institution today except for Miller and he was pretty slow with thinking.

Ok.

I opened the door and in the exact moment I stepped out, the alarm went off.

It was loud and I heard someone screaming and I thought that it could have been Jeanne, but my feet were already carrying me towards the outside, towards public, towards my weed.  
I wasn't hearing footsteps yet.

Good, they really had been smoking outside and had to unlock all the doors first.

Fucking perfect timing, I told myself and for a short moment I was kind of proud of me.

I almost fell when I opened the last door cutting me away from the outside world, but I caught myself and continued running.

I didn't know where I was going. I had been in this city a couple of times, but not too much.  
The only thing I remembered was that there was a shady area not too many kilometers away.

Maybe one or two. We had driven past there when that woman from the orphanage had brought me here.

And so I continued running.

I continued running until my lungs hurt, until I could barely feel my burning legs anymore, until I could barely breath.

I stood still.

They wouldn't immediately find me.  
I looked around. I was probably right here.

There was a homeless guy sitting around on the pavement. I walked over to him, hiding my trembling hands in my pockets.

He was dirty, his originally blonde hair looked almost brown.

His eyes were opened and I could see that he was high.  
And he was probably high on something stronger than weed.

“You know a dealer around here or something?”, I asked and he stared at me for a few seconds as if he wasn't able to comprehend the sentence.

He opened his mouth and closed it.

“You don't look eighteen, girl.”

“I am though”, I lied and just accepted the 'girl'. As a girl I'd maybe be able to pass as eighteen.

“Anyways, you know anyone or not? I'm going to pay for your next...”, I saw the syringe and my panic attack just got worse.  
This was how Vanitas had died. He had died from an overdose.  
I coughed to clear my throat.

“I'm going to pay for your next shot, but I really just need a dealer right now.”

“Are you in withdrawal or what?”

I shrugged.

“Nothing that should concern you.”

It was absolutely nothing he should know.

He grabbed an old mobile phone out of his pocket. It wasn't even a smartphone.

“Hi”, he said, “it's me, Jack.”

He waited for the other person's response and again, his reaction time was extremely slow.

“No, Johann, not only for me. A girl is here who wants something. No idea what though. But she looks quite awful so I guess you should come over if you have time.”

The whole call seemed so long to me even though it wasn't even a minute.

“What do you want? He's going to bring it”, Jack said and I looked away.

“Just some weed.”

I felt like shit. Here was that heroin addict right in front of me and I was complaining about weed withdrawal?

That guy could die if he overdosed. I wouldn't die from weed.  
Shit, shit.

“Ok, bring weed, Johann. And some heroin, please. She said she's gonna pay for my next fix if I call   
you.”

After a few more seconds, he let the phone sink.

“He's going to be here in about ten minutes. Will you stand that?”

I nodded.

“Somehow, yes.”

I didn't know how though.  
Everything just kept itching for the weed, everything in my body just kept itching for that feeling of being high.  
“Why did you start weed? You're not eighteen, girl. Not that I care, but you should probably stop. Well... not that I really care.”

I looked at him. I didn't like that guy. He was strange.

“I'm a trans guy and just wanted to forget.”

“Stop it. Just stop it, go to a clinic or something. Nobody needs to end up like I did.”

I hated him. He was exactly like Vanitas.

“I just broke out of rehab just to get weed, so shut the fuck up.”

Couldn't that dealer finally come? I didn't want to talk to someone who'd die anyways.  
I wanted weed. My whole body was trembling by now and I couldn't stand this anymore.

“Go back there. Don't fucking do that.”

“I said you should shut the fuck up! Look at you, you're a fucking heroin addict! I can't die from weed but you can obviously die from heroin! I've known someone who overdosed and fucking died from it! I liked that guy! We were similar! So just be quiet, yeah, I'm going to pay for your stupid fix, but you should go into a clinic too!”

And here I was, telling people to go into a clinic even though I had just broken out of one myself.  
I was an addict.  
I didn't care, if I could get high, I wouldn't ever start caring either.

“There he is”, he said after minutes of complete silence.

I held myself back from running to that guy.  
He was blonde and wore round glasses and honestly, he did absolutely not look like all the dealers I've dealt with before. There was that dealer who only dealt with weed and he didn't look as... normal as that guy did.

“Here I am, you're the girl who wants weed?”

“He's a guy”, Jack said and I stared at him.

“Oh, cool, I'm gay”, Johann said and I glanced at him angrily.

“Quit that smalltalk. I need weed. I just fucking need my weed.”

I pulled my hands out of my pockets to be able to take the weed as soon as he would give it to me.  
Staring at my hands, he shook his head.

“I'm going to role the blunt for you, dude, you probably can't do that yourself.”

Ok, he was extremely kind.

In the time he rolled this joint I felt as if I was going to slowly die.  
But at the same time, my hands twitched in anticipation.  
I was finally going to be high again.

And then, finally, he handed it to me together with a lighter.  
I felt tears in my eyes. I shouldn't be doing this, but my right hand moved it to my mouth by itself and my left hand clicked the lighter so that a little flame appeared.  
And then I put that little ass flame to that goddamn blunt and as soon as I could, I breathed in.

Oh shit, shit, I handed the lighter back and only after a few seconds it hit me.

Holy fuck.

It hadn't been that quickly in such a long time.

My whole mind went blank when I sucked in the sweet smoke, it was filling my lungs, I had to grin at that feeling because it was so familiar, but at the same time it wasn't.

I hadn't done this in nearly four months. 

And still, the blunt between my fingers felt so calming. But oh, shit, I was already so high. My mind was clouded and I felt the effect in my whole body now.

All my insides were tingling.

I didn't know where I went, but I just continued walking, breathing in the air of the night, looking up to the moon which suddenly seemed so much brighter – so much brighter than it had been in those four months without the drug.

I was walking for... I didn't know. I had lost my track of time. I was walking.

And suddenly there was someone screaming my name and oh shit, it sounded even better when high.  
I turned around.

“Yeah? That's me”, I sang and immediately got quiet when I saw Sharon and Jeanne approaching.

“Hi!”, I said and in the next moment I was in someone's arms and I had to giggle.

Finally there was someone hugging me, oh my god. I had wanted that for an infinity now. 

“That's warm”, I said and suddenly the person hit my back.

“Astolfo, why the fuck did you do that? Are you insane?”, she let go of me and now I saw that it was Jeanne. My whole mind was working extremely slow.

“I mean, it's fun!”, I said and I barely even heard myself over the sudden sob I let out in the next moment.

And that was when the comedown hit me.

Shit, there really was a difference between smoking weed once in a while and smoking it at least three times a day.

“Fuck”, I whispered when I understood what I had done.

That was why I hadn't promised Vanitas that I wouldn't relapse.


	19. IN MY MIND - 19

Chapter 19

“Yes, fuck”, Jeanne and Sharon both said and Jeanne took off her jacket to put it onto my trembling body.

I was cold, I was fucking cold.

She put her arm saround me again, and in my mind that was still a little high, it appeared as if she was a huge wall protecting me from everything else in this world.  
And right now, she was.

“Astolfo, Astolfo, oh, Astolfo”, she whispered and pulled me even closer than some moments before.

She was warm.

Sharon didn't say anything else, for now, and I was glad.  
Right now there only were Jeanne and me.

“I'm sorry”, I whispered and another sob escaped my throat.

Now I'd have to stay there longer. It would be longer until I'd be able to start the hormone replacement therapy.  
Even longer.  
And it was my own damn fault.

“I'm so sorry!”, I screamed and by now it was just hysterical. I didn't stop screaming, I didn't stop screaming until my voice was hoarse, until I felt sick, until I was just apologizing again and again and then I just stopped.

I had been screaming until I became sober.  
It was my own fault and that, that was the worst about this.

“Astolfo... do you want to get clean?”, Jeanne asked and stroked my hair.

I looked at the horizon and only now I realized that it wasn't dark anymore.  
I nodded into her shoulder and this time, I was honest. I wanted to get clean.  
I didn't want to relapse anymore. I couldn't.

“Good. Then we're going back now, ok?”, Sharon asked and her voice was completely soft. No one was screaming at me, but I knew that I had disappointed Sharon and Lacie and Levi and Jeanne and Noé.

I had disappointed them.  
I let go of Jeanne but I grabbed her arm. I didn't want her to let go now. I couldn't.

“Jeanne... I... I promise you... that I won't relapse. And if... if I do relapse, then... I'm immediately going to get help to get out of it, yeah? I... I promise you.”

“Fine”, she said, “I'll remind you.”

Little did we know that she did not need to remind me, but that I needed to remind her of that promise, even though she had not promised me to stay clean in first place.

 

On the car ride back to the rehabilitation center, I just kept silently weeping into Jeanne's shoulder on the backseat, even though I didn't deserve that at all.  
I just didn't.  
I was a disappointment for them. For everyone.  
I had relapsed. I had broken out of the fucking rehabilitation center. How the fuck had I even had that idea in first place?

“I told Vanitas I'd try to stay clean, Jeanne”, I sobbed and I was so glad that she didn't even ask when we had talked about this.

“But you tried, Astolfo. You've only failed once. Once. You've stayed clean for four months. We both stayed clean for months now, Astolfo. I'll probably be here as long as you.”

“Sharon?”, I asked and she looked at me until she realized that she was driving, so she immediately looked back at the street.

“Yes, Astolfo?”

“What's going to happen now?”

“That's up to Gerbel because Slide took three days off because his child is sick.”

“How long do I have to stay here, then?”

“I...”, Sharon breathed out, “I'm usually not allowed to say that, but Slide would have let you go in about three weeks.”

Jeanne immediately pulled me closer.  
I could have gotten on Testosterone in a year and tree weeks, but I had been stupid. I had smoked weed.  
Why had I...?  
Shit.  
I started sobbing again.

“I hate myself so much.”

I didn't realize I said this until my ears heard it themselves.

“I just hate myself for having this body and for starting weed and for smoking weed today and... and... I just don't want to be myself anymore!”

Speaking hurt, but I just repeated that I hated myself and everything Jeanne did was to hold me.  
She held me just like Noé had held me when I had almost thrown up.

“We're here.”

I breathed in and then out.

Gerbel would be waiting for me, not Slide. Slide would understand me.  
Gerbel wouldn't.

“Astolfo... I know you don't like Gerbel”, Sharon started, “I also don't like him. I'm with you. If I'm able to talk him into it, Jeanne can be there too.”

“I will be there or else I'm going to run home and get my sword to ram it into his fucking chest”, Jeanne hissed and I almost laughed, but I didn't feel worthy of laughing right now.

I just didn't.

“Thanks... both of you. Thanks. So much. I promise. I won't do that again. Not ever. I promise.”

“I hope so for you, dude, you're stronger than all of us”, Jeanne said and as soon as she stood up, she walked around the car to grab my hand.

“I'll be with you. And if necessary, I'm going to scream at Gerbel, I promise.”

I was still feeling cold, even with her jacket on my shoulders.

“Let's go inside then, hm?”, Sharon said and also put her hand to my shoulder.

I was feeling so miserable. I was still having a panic attack. The weed didn't help at all.

I knew that it woudn't help, so why had I done that in first place?

I was an addict, that was why.  
Gerbel was already standing in the door, looking at me as if I was scum.

Ok, I was scum, but a damn therapist should not be looking at me like this.

“Still high?”, he asked and Jeanne held me back from saying anything.

“Shut up, Gerbel. You know how often people relapse. This boy is stronger than anyone else.”

I loved her and I wanted to marry her. Seriously, I wanted to marry Jeanne, she was too good for this world.

“That's kind of impolite, my dear Jeanne. But well, come in, you three. This is going to have consequences and you know that.”

“Yes”, I simply answered and when we entered his room, I refused to sit down.

If I sat down now, I'd fall asleep, no matter how much I was panicking, no matter how much anyone would scream at me.

“Why did you do this?”, he asked and Jeanne, who was standing next to me, looked at me and took my hand once again.

“I'm an addict and I had a craving and I was stupid as fuck”, I grumbled, trying to keep the tears inside of my body. I didn't want to show this guy any weakness.

“And that's all there is to it?”, Gerbel asked and raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, I was stupid and childish and I regret it. I know that I have to stay here longer. I know that I have to wait longer to medically transition. Also I was missing Noé.”

“Missing Noé? I know you were friends, but you were also friends with Gilbert.”

“I'm in love with him.”

My voice stayed fierce, it didn't break, I didn't stutter.  
Jeanne next to me was smiling and Sharon just looked completely shocked.  
I wasn't ashamed of that. It was ok that I was in love with him.  
I couldn't change my feelings.

“You're... what?”

Oh, wow, I had shocked Gerbel.

“I'm in love with Noé”, I repeated and for a short moment I saw him grin and I raised my eyebrow.

“What's so funny about that?”, I asked and crossed my arms. I had to stay strong. I could have a breakdown after that conversation.

“Nothing. Anyways, we need some kind... punishment for this.”

“I've learned from this”, 'asshole', I added silently in my mind.

“Well, you have relapsed... we cannot forbid you to see your foster family since you are going to live with them. But... those are the only punishments we can give.”

Oh. Oh, I knew what he was getting at.   
I began trembling.

“When Noé has talked to Slide last week he told him that he had relapsed, too.”

“What? That's a lie!”, Jeanne exclaimed, “Noé wouldn't relapse! Why should he? He was perfectly fine! It would be the same if I just randomly started heroin and well, why the fuck should I? That's exactly the same!”

“When Slide is back, you can ask him yourself. Why should I lie? But anyways, this is dangerous for both of you.”

Jeanne looked at me. I was starting to tremble even more now. Shit.

“I would say that for the rest of your stay, you two shouldn't see each other. You'd just encourage Noé to relapse more and-”

“Fuck you.”

I only realized after a few more seconds that I was the one who said this.

Tears came into my eyes. He hated me. That guy hated me and he did not act like a therapist should act. Why wasn't Slide here? Why wasn't he here?

“Astolfo-”, Sharon said and I shook my head.

“No! That asshole can go and fuck himself! Why does he have the right to tell me if I can see the person I love or not! I literally relapsed because he was not here but apparently he's too stupid to understand that!”

That rage inside of me was overwhelming everything else, I was feeling sick, I was trembling so hard that my arms hit the wall again and again.  
Gerbel was staring at me for the few next seconds.  
I was breathing in hard, but barely any oxygen seemed to actually reach my lungs.

“If we had a time out room, I'd probably put you into that right now.”

“You can't just tell me not to see the man I'm in love with anymore, what is that shit?! Are you even human or are you just- No, why am I even asking? You do not understand emotions. Not one fucking bit. And you know what? Go fuck yourself, Gerbel. Just go fuck yourself!”

I ran out of the door and slammed it shut as hard as I could and I heard something crack and it was probably a little wrecked, well, shit, not my fucking fault.  
I sucked in breaths but as before, I didn't really feel anything reaching my lungs.

“You can't just make Astolfo not see him anymore!”, Jeanne screamed and in that moment, I just loved her even more.

Sharon wasn't saying anything, well, I couldn't blame her, after all Gerbel was one of her bosses.  
Gerbel said something, but I couldn't make it out.

“No, Gerbel, you know what? Fuck you. Astolfo's right. You're not human. Fuck yourself into oblivion and back! Let him see him at least one last time!”

I held my breath, but Gerbel didn't say anything.  
The door was opened and it was Jeanne.  
She looked at me, her cheeks were red, her breathing was almost as hard as mine.

“You can see him tomorrow, Astolfo. I was able to talk him into it.”

And then I just walked over to her and pulled myself into her arms. And I started sobbing. I just started sobbing loudly and desperately once again and she pulled me towards my room so that I could sit down.  
I kept sobbing into her shoulder for more than half an hour.  
I would only be able to see him tomorrow. And he had relapsed. I had relapsed.

“Ssshh...”, she said and pulled me even closer.

“Jeanne...!”, I sobbed and she stroked my back.

I hadn't fallen in love with Noé because he had been so nice to me.

I had fallen in love with him because deep inside of myself I felt that he was exactly what I had always wanted.  
A man who was taller than me so that he could hold me in his arms if I wasn't able to fall asleep.  
A man with a pure heart who would always try to help people, no matter how hopeless they may seemed to him.  
A man who was honest with his feelings and who was honest with the feelings of everyone else.  
I needed him. I didn't need him to love me back, but I simply needed him.  
I needed him to hold me.

No, actually I needed him to love me back.  
I wanted to be told how much he loves me. I wanted him to tell me how handsome I am, even though I knew I wasn't.

“I... I can't stand this anymore...”, I cried, “I need him. I didn't want to be in love with him. It destroys me. It fucking destroys me.”

Jeanne let go of me and looked at me.

“Hey, Astolfo. I... know what it is like to be in love. And I know that you may feel hopeless. But love is not hopeless. There's a possibility that he also falls in love with you, you know?”

I nodded.

“I know, Jeanne. But I think that... it's hopeless in my case. Nobody can ever love me, you know? How are people supposed to love an addict who looks like a girl?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw, gerbel is based off the worst therapist I've ever had who didn't let me see m parents for two weeks.


	20. IN MY MIND - 20

Chapter 20

And there we were, standing in front of each other.

His hair had gotten even longer, he was wearing his Pusheen-Cat pullover and his jogging pants.  
I loved him. My whole heart was hurting when I looked at him because I knew that that was the last time I'd be able to look at him like this.

For some more months, at least.

“Astolfo, why have you done that?”

“Why have you done that?”, I asked and there were immediately tears in my eyes.  
He pulled me into a hug and slowly buried his face into my hair.

“What has Gerbel told you?”

“That you relapsed, damnit!”

Noé laughed out.

“Relapsed? That guy, oh my god. I smoked weed but I didn't have a craving before or after that! I was at a birthday party and I was just like, yeah, I'm over that anyways so I may as well smoke a last time. But what you did, that was a relapse, you smoked weed because you had a craving.”

I nodded into his neck.

“I know, fuck, I know. And I'm not going to do it again, I promise you. I won't. I was stupid. I'm only able to see you this time and I... I hate that.”

I wanted to tell him what I felt for him, but I knew that I shouldn't. As long as he wasn't clearly in love with me, I shouldn't tell him.  
I didn't want to make him worry even more.

“At least you understand. I'm sad too. I mean, that I can't see you for months, then. You're strong Astolfo. I know you are, you can do this, I swear to god, if anyone can do this, then that's you.”

“I hate myself for relapsing. I hate myself for that. I wished that I hadn't relapsed. I wished that you would... you would...” 'love me'.

I shook my head and I was glad that Noé didn't ask me what I would like him to do.  
He slowly let go of me and looked into my eyes.

“Astolfo, will you promise me now that you'll never relapse again?”

I nodded and took his hand. I needed to be close to him.

“I won't. I want to come out of here as quickly as I can. For my testosterone. And for you, Noé.”

I wanted him to get the hint, but he probably didn't.  
It was Noé after all.

“Alright. We can still call each other, after all. I've never once doubted that you won't die as an addict and I still doubt this, Astolfo.”

I nodded and simply smiled.

“I feel like a stupid kid”, I sighed, “it's my own fault that we're not allowed to see the other, so I shouldn't complain.”

“It's not your fault!”, Noé said and put his hands to my shoulders and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me when he leaned down a little, but what was I even expecting by now?

“It's Gerbel's fault”, he said and stroked away my tears, “you know it is. That guy is strange and I've never understood how Oz can like him. Slide will return tomorrow.”

“Yes. And he'll be fucking disappointed”, I said and bit my lip. Shit, Slide was probably going to kill me.

“He won't. It's normal for addicts to relapse. Don't worry about it, Astolfo. Anyways, I got something really nice for you.”

“Even more?”, I breathed out and slapped his back lightly, “you can't just spend all your money on me.”

Noé laughed out and picked the bag up from the floor.

“It's only one more thing and then I have to stop because my money is... well, my bank account... uh, yeah.”

I had to laugh out loud, then I took the bag when he handed it over to me.  
I put my hand into it and when I saw what that was, I just had to cry once again.  
I pressed the piece of cloth against my chest – exactly where it was supposed to be.

“So... you like it? I've looked for quality stuff and I've asked people on the internet which brand I should choose and they told me that you should actually measure yourself, but Domi helped me because you know, she knows lots about... those kind of things.”

About bras, probably.  
I looked at the red binder and sobbed.

“Fuck, Noé, you're an angel. You're a goddamn angel and I don't know what I would do without you.”

He stroked my arm and smiled.  
All of his smiles killed tiny bits of me, until there wouldn't be anything left.

“Come on, try it on and see if it fits or not!”

I nodded and immediately disappeared into the bathroom.  
After I had put it on, I stepped out of the room, the shirt still in my hand, I didn't care that I was technically facing Noé in nothing more but pants and underwear on my upper body.

“It suits you!”, he said and I just touched my chest again, surprised that it really... almost felt flat.  
It almost felt... flat.

“And it fits. I can move and breath, but it still works. Seriously, Noé, you're an angel and Domi's an angel too, I'm going to look for her in the next few days and tell her that I love her.”

Noé grinned and now I really noticed that I was standing in front of him with only a binder and that he could probably see my hips and... I put on my shirt because that shit made me dysphoric once again.

And with that shirt, I looked completely flat. Just... flat.  
As if there weren't two lumps of fat hanging around on my body.  
I knew that they still were there, but that made me feel so much better.

So much better.

 

After three hours, Sharon came into my room and told us that Noé needed to leave because we would eat dinner in a few minutes.

And this was when I realized what was really going on.

I wouldn't see him for another few months.  
I wouldn't... be able to see his smile anymore.

I teared up. Seriously, I was wondering how my body was dealing with all that crying in the last two days.

Noé just pulled me into his arms once again. He was so tall and I'd die if he let go.

“Don't”, I breathed out, but I knew that it was no use. He would have to leave and if Gerbel could see me right now, he'd probably laugh in triumph.

“I'm sorry for all of this”, Sharon suddenly said and I could hear tears in her voice too.  
Those tears were there because she knew that I loved him.

“When he's gone, I can stay a little with you”, she added, “I... know how this feels. I really do know how it feels.”

I closed my eyes and breathed in his smell. He smelled so good. Noé always smelled like sugar and sweet things and for some reason like Oreo-cookies, and shit, did I love them.  
The cloth of his pullover was becoming wetter and wetter because of my tears.

“You'll be ok, Astolfo, I promise. You'll be fine. And when you can get out, I'll get you here, no matter what your foster family says.”

I nodded into his shoulder, breathing in and out shakily, then I let go.

“Go now. And make it quick.”

“Ok”, he whispered, stroked through my hair, then he let go of me and just walked out of the door. His footsteps disappeared after a while and as soon as Sharon shut the door, I broke out into violent sobbing once again.  
She pulled me into her arms and just held me.  
After a few minutes, the door was opened once again and I looked up just to see Slide's face.

“I've tried everything to convince him to let him see you, Astolfo. Gerbel's in a higher position. I've tried everything. I know that it's no use to take the person you love away, especially after this. And I know that this doesn't encourage you to go on, but to relapse again. But I beg you, Astolfo, don't. Please don't.”

Sharon let go of me and I sobbed into my hand.

“I won't”, I said.

He was too kind. He was... he wasn't disappointed in me.

“I wished that I could have talked him into letting him see you. I'm sorry.”

“How's... your child?”, I rasped out, remembering that that was why he had been at home.

He should have returned tomorrow.

“Huh?”

“That's why you were staying at home. How... how is your child?”

Slide smiled at me and suddenly sat down onto my bed.

“She's ok now.” 

He put his hand to my back.

'Sorry, but physical contact isn't really allowed here.'

Seemed as if Slide didn't really care about that right now.

“She told us that she's trans, Astolfo. She got bullied at school, again, for being feminine and... for not being a boy. And then she told us that she was trans. And then I had to think of you and of how wrong your parents handled that and how wrong you yourself handle that. So I... told her about you. As an example how she shouldn't do it. I told her that we're going to support her with all our might.”

I just kept looking at him and he had tears in his eyes. Slide had... tears in his eyes because of his daughter.

“She's such a good girl, Astolfo. She... and you. You two, you have no right to be mistreated that way just because you're trans.”

Sharon looked at him.  
And then he smiled.

“If you don't want to get clean for yourself, Astolfo, get clean for Noé. And for my daughter. Show her that you are strong. Show her that everything can be alright someday.”


	21. IN MY MIND - 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that this chapter is short but it's the epilogue for part one of that story (part 2 is shorter and part 3 is even shorter than part 2 because what's planning I don't know him.)

Chapter 21

I was sitting on the sofa, next to Oz and more importantly, next to my suitcase.

“You'll do well Astolfo, I'm sure, I believe in you. You won't relapse.”

I tried to smile, but I failed.  
Three more months I had been in here. Three whole stupid months in which I had cried and laughed so much, in which I had had mental breakdowns, in which I had cravings.

Slide and I had already talked. I had an appointment with a gender therapist and an appointment with Slide. 

It was perfect. All of this was perfect.

Jeanne had already left one week ago and I knew that she had moved in with Noé, Domi and Louis.

“I'm not anxious because I'm finally leaving”, I sighed.

Oz had been in my room for my last two months and I had been so glad just to have some company.  
Sure, I would've preferred to be in one room with Jeanne and Slide had asked Gerbel, but of course he had not wanted that.  
Well, Jeanne and I had both told him to fuck off. No wonder that he was very pissed at us.  
I did absolutely not pity him though.

“But you've already visited your foster family! You know how they are!”

I shook my head and when I looked to the door, he was standing right there.

“Noé”, I mouthed, stood up and knocked over the suitcase, Oz stared at me and then at Noé.

“Oh”, he grinned and I didn't give a single damn about him in that moment.

He was there.  
He was finally there.

I ran towards him, my feet barely touched the ground, I felt higher than ever before, even without any weed at all, he reached out his arms and as soon as our bodies collided, he closed them around me.

He was so warm, so, so, so warm.

I just started crying right there and pressed my whole weight against him, just to feel him. Shit, I loved him so much.  
I loved him.

“You're really here”, I sobbed and I got the overwhelming urge to kiss him.

I began blushing at that thought, but at the same time it wouldn't let me go. I really wanted to do that. I've never loved one of the people I had kissed.  
I didn't care anymore.  
I let go of him, stood up onto my tip-toes and stared at him.

“As...tolfo?”, he stuttered and I decided that I couldn't actually kiss him on the lips without asking him. Well, shit.

I grabbed his shirt with one hand.

“I...”, I rasped out and he smiled at me.

“Can I... uhm...”, I continued and suddenly he began laughing.

“If you had wanted to kiss me on the cheek, you wouldn't have needed to ask.”

I wanted to facepalm, right here. Fuck, shit, Noé, I didn't want to kiss you on your fucking cheek, but on your mouth.

But instead, I just did it. I pecked him on the cheek and he laughed out and I turned even redder and I was so done with m life in that moment that I could die, right here, right now.

I had kissed Noé on the cheek, oh my god.

“Happier now, Astolfo?”

He held me by my hips, as if I had really kissed him, as if we were a couple and I broke away.

“Uhm. I... I guess. Sorry, I just... got caught in the moment, I think.”

He smiled at me and looked back at the suitcase.

“Can we... please leave now? I just want to leave this place. I just... want to go.”

He nodded and got the suitcase, waving at Oz in the process who grinned back at him. I was going to leave.  
I was finally going to leave this place.

I was finally going to live again.


	22. HOLD ON - 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uh because I've had quite a history of people misunderstanding, I want to say something for the second part of my story which should be obvious but here we go xD  
> -this story does not exist for angst points. Yes, I love writing angst, but I also like writing people recovering from whatever happened to them to show people that recovery is possible. Astolfo has emetophobia in this fic, which I am diagnosed by uh. 6 therapists?? So, every single therapist I've had xD so I'm writing this from my experience. If u say that my depiction is wrong - no, can't be, because I lived through that xD if you say that it's not universal: I agree. Everyone experiences phobias differently. So - my experience.  
> Same with the portrayal of depression and being trans  
> -what that dear anon (cough still, if I rally did something wrong pls tell me and hand over examples omg I want to change it) also said is that I threw Jeanne being raped in for the angst points. No. I did not. I know enough girls and women who got raped or inappropriately touched. Boys and men too. So yeah. I want to make it more prominent. And if you haven't noticed, Astolfo describes Jeanne as strong all the time so... anon, I don't even know xDDD  
> -uh... what else? well, I did my research for everything Im writing about (alternatively: I actually lived through that research)... but ofc I didn't study it and I wasn't addicted to drugs myself, so there might be wrong things and I'm aware. Again, if you see something, point it out with the sentence so I can change it
> 
> So, if anyone else understood the intention of this story wrong, I'm truly sorry. I want to show recovery here. That people can be strong. And that suicide is not ok. Not for the one who did it and not for the ones around. Yes, there will be more about Vanitas in the following two parts. Again - not for angst points. I've lost one of my best internet friends to suicide (who has the same name I have...). I don't want that to happen again. Not to anyone.
> 
> So uh. I hope this cleared things up? And I hope that this wasn't too personal but I don't think so euahfeurg

PART 2  
Hold on

Chapter 1

When I stepped out of the door, the first thing I did was take a deep breath.

I closed my eyes and wrapped my hand around Noé's.

He had been ok with this. I just wanted to hold his hand for now.  
When I opened my eyes again I stared into Jeanne's face.

“Jeanne!”, I said and she wriggled her eyebrows and looked at Noé's and my hands.  
I immediately let go and looked to the side.

“Levi and Lacie were ok with us getting you, they're outside, with their car.”

In less than one second I had closed the distance between us and hugged her.

“How have you been?”

She hugged me back.

“Good. I'm living with Noé, Louis and Domi for a while and then I'll return to my own flat.”

Noé smiled at her.

“You're not doing good, Jeanne, you're doing really great!”

I sighed and had to smile too. I loved both of them. I loved them so much.  
Jeanne looked at him and then she looked to me.

“Noé, can you please go, I need to talk to Astolfo about something very important.”

Noé was extremely confused and just stared at us and furrowed his eyebrows.

“Uh... ok...?”

Jeanne started grinning at me.

“Are you still in love with him~?”

“It's literally only been one week, shit, of course I am. Jeanne, I... I... I almost...”

“You... almost...?”

She took my arm and we began walking very slowly.

“I almost kissed him.”

And then I really realized what I had done. I had almost kissed him oh my god. Why...? Was I completely stupid or something like that?

“You almost... WHAT?”, Jeanne screamed and Noé who was lots of meters in front of us turned around again.

“Is Astolfo telling you that he kissed my cheek or something like that?”

Jeanne looked at me and then at Noé.

“Astolfo, are you fucking serious about this?”

“Of course I am!”, I sobbed but had to laugh at how perfect Jeanne's expression looked. Seriously, this was too good.

“Astolfo, oh my god, holy shit. Someday you will...”

“I'll tell him, someday, believe me.”

I didn't even believe myself. I wasn't strong enough to do something like this.  
I hated showing my emotions. I did it often enough and I surely didn't want to do it even more often.  
I surely didn't want to actually tell Noé that I loved him. That would be... no. I'd just be rejected.

“I hope so!”, Jeanne said and we caught up with Noé, finally.

I just wanted to be near him.  
Even if I only loved him silently, it would be more than enough for me.  
So much more than enough.

 

 

I was sitting between Jeanne and Noé on the backseat of Levi's and Lacie's car.  
Our shoulders were touching and Noé was so much warmer than Jeanne.

“And? How does it feel to be out of there?”, Levi asked and looked back at me.

Lacie raised her hand from the steering wheel and showed me a 'peace'.

“Very good”, I said looking at Noé quickly and then out of the window to take in the outside world.  
I was so happy in that moment. Noé and Jeanne were sitting next to me. Lacie and Levi were going to take me in. 

I was going to live with them.

I had an appointment with a gender therapist, I would be able to start hormones in about a year.

“It felt incredible for me, too”, Noé said and put his hand onto my back.

I flinched at the touch but tried not to show it too much. I didn't need Levi nor Lacie to realize that.

“You ok?”, Noé whispered and obviously I didn't need to worry about my foster parents, but about Noé himself.

I nodded and had to smile.  
It was an honest smile. I was finally able to smile because I was happy.

Of course I still wanted to smoke weed. Shit, I wanted to do that more than anything, but I'd be able to stand it.

Noé smiled back.

The drive took more than half an hour and after about fifteen minutes, Noé had fallen asleep on my shoulder and I didn't know whether I should scream at him out of embarrassment or scream at Jeanne because she kept grinning.

“Is he single?”, Levi asked and I jumped up, causing Noé to wake up.

“Have we arrived?”, he asked, completely confused and I sighed.

“No. But Levi's acting a little strange. I think that he thinks we're a couple or something like that.”

Playing pretend was probably better than showing how embarrassed I was.  
Jeanne's grin grew even wider and it turned into full-on laughing.

“What the...? No, Levi, we aren't. Jeanne, hey, that's creepy! Please stop!”

I couldn't do anything else than sighing, really.

“Just try to ignore them, Noé. Anyways, it's slowly starting to hurt that your head is on my shoulder, so could you maybe...?”

He immediately jumped back and I still felt the blush burning on my cheek.  
Seriously, all of that was shit. All of it.

“Sorry, I didn't notice! But you're very comfortable!”

Jeanne couldn't stop laughing anymore, not even when I punched her into the ribs. She just didn't stop, my god.  
I didn't want to sit next to Noé anymore, I really needed help, that was insane.

“I mean, uh... great to know I guess? Your birthday present will be a pillow. Those are surely more comfortable than my bony shoulder.”

Noé grinned and it almost killed me.

“If you really want to buy me a pillow, then a pusheen-cat pillow, please.”

Jeanne shook her head and looked at Levi.

“Forget it. Those two can not possibly be a couple. They're both disaster gays. That wouldn't work out.”

“I was, uh... not planning on being a couple with Astolfo, but all right.”

Ouch, that hurt. That really hurt.

Not that it was new to me. I knew that he didn't love me. Of course not. How could someone love me anyways?

He liked me and I knew that. But no one could love me.  
Of course not.  
Jeanne looked at me as if she was apologizing, but I just shrugged.  
She shook her head again.

“Astolfo is more of a disaster gay than Noé though.”

“He's not the worst disaster gay I've seen though. I once had to carry someone out of a bathroom at a party and she was super drunk and told me that my ass was hot and honestly, I'm still confused up to now. Wait. She was a disaster straight, not a disaster gay.”

 

When I opened the door, I was welcomed by being run over by two girls.

“He's here!”, Alice screamed and pulled my hair and it hurt, but I kind of tried to ignore it. I shouldn't freak out at them, at least.

“Don't pull his hair though!”, Lacie said and dragged Alice away from me, but Alyss was still sitting on me, grinning.

“I finally have a big brother, mom!”

Noé stood behind me, grinning and I tried to shove the girl off because shit, my back hurt.  
Alyss stood up and still grinned, Alice was being held back by Lacie.  
Seriously, Alice and Alyss were the cutest kids I've ever met, but I had no idea how I was supposed to deal with them every damn day from now on.

“I see, you're loved here”, Jeanne chuckled and I grinned at her.

“I guess I am”, I said and had to laugh when both Alice just hugged me again.

“I've always wanted an older sibling! But you're sixteen and you're really small, so you don't really count as a big sibling, do you?”

I sighed in desperation and laughed out.

“I'm still a lot taller than you though.”

“Noé, stand next to him, please! You're so tall, mom, can he please be our brother too?”, Alice screamed and attacked Noé now and shit, I was so done with how hyperactive she was.

“She'll calm down in a few days, don't worry”, Alyss said and looked at me.

She just calmly studied my face.

“You don't look like someone who would do drugs.”

Her voice was so quiet that only I could understand her.  
Those words hurt. They hurt because I knew that if I didn't have breasts, if I didn't have broad hips, I would have never started smoking weed.

“That's because the drug I did didn't destroy my body. Cigarettes are worse than the drug I did.”

“But why did you have to stop doing it then? Dad smokes, too!”

I couldn't believe that I was actually explaining drugs to a little kid.

“Because doing drugs is never good. Promise me that you will never do one.”

“What about alcohol?”

“One of the worst.”

She smiled.

“Ok, big brother.”

I wanted to 'aww' out loud, but everyone else was here and after the feeling of warmth that had flooded my body, I understood why it was there.

My sister had never called me that. To her, I was only her annoying sister that she didn't want because even my parents didn't want me.

I felt tears in my eyes and tried to blink them away, but that only caused them to leave my eye and Alyss stared at me in complete shock.

“Mom, I made him cry”, she whispered and there were tears in her eyes too and I shook my head but it was already too late.

The tears were running down her cheeks and I didn't know what to do at all. I wasn't good with crying children.  
I wiped my own tears away and walked over to her, but Lacie got to her before me.

“With what did you make him cry, hm?”, her voice was soft, but at the same time demanding and Alyss froze.  
Well, yes, Lacie surely could be a little... harsh.

“I just called him big brother and that made him-”, she sobbed, “that made him cry!”

Lacie smiled at me and then at her daughter.

“Don't worry about it. I'm sure he was just happy about it.”

I nodded. That wasn't the whole truth, but there was some truth about it at least, so we could may as well leave it like that.

Lacie knew about my former family. She knew how it had been there.  
Noé put his hand to my shoulder and stroked it.

“Come in, you guys”, Levi said, already pulling off his shoes, “the door is opened and it's cold. Please.”

Jeanne smiled and closed the door behind her.

“This is a good family you've got now, Astolfo”, Noé said and I leaned into him, not being able to resist his warmth.

I wanted to sleep in one bed with him again.  
I wanted to sleep in one bed with him all the time, I wanted to be comforted by him when I cried again.

“I missed you”, I said and tried not to start crying again.

I hated that I was so emotional all the time. I really hated it.

“I missed you too, Astolfo. I hate Gerbel for everything he has done, ok? But you're alright now. You have a nice family, you're clean, I'm clean, Jeanne's clean. We're fine.”

“Yeah”, I answered and looked at Alice hugging her sister now.

Deep inside I knew that I would never be fine.


	23. HOLD ON - 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really confused at how u get hormones in England. So. Don't even count on this being anywhere near right omg. I did research and literally every website said somehting different xD

Chapter 2

Ok. I'd be fine. I was sure.  
I put on my binder and stretched.  
Alright. I would surely be ok.  
That binder had probably saved my life in the last week.

“Are you ready, Astolfo?”, Lacie asked and adjusted the ribbon in her hair.  
I nodded and stepped to her. Alice was playing on her Nintendo Switch, but Alyss came over to me.

“Good luck, Astolfo”, she said and quickly hugged me.

Seriously, I had found the best family possible.

“Thanks. I'll be fine.”

Alyss cocked an eyebrow and I frowned. I hated that that little kid could see through me that easily.

“You will be fine.”

And I hated that I could see through her that easily, too.  
Lacie took the keys of her car and held he door open for me.  
I walked through it and waved at Alyss.

“You aren't ok, right?”, Lacie asked as soon as she had closed the door behind her.   
I shook my head and cracked a smile.

“Shit, I could use some weed now, actually. Shit, Lacie, please put me into that car or I'll flee.”

I was seriously afraid that my body would just act on its own once again like the last time I had relapsed.  
I didn't want to smoke weed anymore.  
I finally wanted to live. I wanted to tell everyone who I was and that I had survived up until now.

She smiled at me and patted my shoulder.

“It'll be alright, seriously. Nothing bad can happen.”

I nodded and sat down on the seat, Lacie started the car.  
The drive felt like an infinity.

“Astolfo... can I ask you something?”, she said, her voice was soft.

“Yeah, you can ask, but I'm not sure whether I'll answer or not. Not everyone is supposed to know everything about me.”

“Yeah. I can understand that.”

The ride reminded me of the ride with the woman from the orphanage. There had been silence in the car back then. She had called me by my wrong name.   
She had pitied me.

Lacie did not pity me. She was simply interested in me as a human being.

“You never.. talk about your family. I mean, yes, I know the rough details... but did they really not accept you?”

I just hoped that she wouldn't cry like that stupid woman from the orphanage did.

“My father kept insulting me and my mom didn't care and my sister adapted to all of that. But I miss my mom and my sister. I only miss them, though. I like you guys more than my... original family. I may miss them but... I'm ok. Really.”

I know that I wasn't coping with my loss in a healthy way, but on the other side, my family hadn't been right for me. They had just kept insulting me again and again and they had been so, so disappointed in me.

“Alright. It's nice to hear that you like it with us.”

“I do”, I said and continued to look out of the window. It was already dark outside even though it was only four in the afternoon.  
I loved winter, but I hated that it got dark so quickly.

“Just don't expect me to come home with good grades as soon as I pick up school again, yeah?”

Lacie laughed out loud and shook her head.

“I'm already used to this because of Alice. If the grades are good enough for you, then they're good enough for us, too.”

“Yeah, I'll give my best not to repeat a class, I promise. Except for the one I have to repeat now, of course, but yeah, you can forgive me that.”

“Yes, don't worry about that, really. That's ok and I don't blame you for it at all. I've seen people being addicted, don't worry. I'm seeing Levi and his nicotine every day”, she added with a grumble and I had to laugh out at that remark. Levi really was a heavy smoker, but he never smoked inside and tried to hide it from his daughters, but Alyss had already caught on to that habit of his.

“Anyways... I have another question. About Noé.”

I tensed up and put my hand to my face.

“Don't worry, I won't tell you what to do or not. But... you like him, right?”

“W-what?”, I stuttered, “of course I don't! He's too old for me!”

“You do like him.”

I cringed and tried not to think of every time I had slept in his arms.  
Lacie chuckled.

“Are you going to tell him? Valentines day is in two months, you know?”

“What the fuck, no, I'm sure as hell not going to tell him!”

Lacie just continued laughing and laughing and laughing and she wasn't stopping and I was a little concerned because she already started driving a little warier than usual.

“But why not?”, she wheezed, her breath hitching in her throat.

“Because he's like, twenty and I'm like, sixteen? And anyways, this is Noé and this is me...!”

“You remind me too much of myself, oh god. Levi is also four years older than me and I fell in love with him when I was seventeen and he was twenty-one and this seems like a huge age-span, but later on, nobody cares if you're thirty and thirty-four or something like this. If both of you want that, it's ok. In Germany, the age of consent is fourteen, so you would have already surpassed that for two years now.”

I sighed and just didn't answer.

I knew that. The age wasn't a problem for me. I was sixteen, I knew my rights and all the laws surrounding it. Nothing about a relationship with Noé would be illegal for me, but I was just so afraid.  
I was so afraid of rejection that I couldn't possibly tell him.

 

It took another ten minutes for Lacie to park her car.

I stood up and stretched again, hoping that the binder wouldn't kill my back if I did so. Seriously, the back pain was insane, but I would bear it if I didn't need to see my breasts that way.

“You'll be aright, I know that. And I'll be with you all the time anyways, so there's no need to worry. I can... express my opinion, you could say...”

Yes, I had already seen her 'expressing her opinion' during an argument she had had with Levi, so I had absolutely no fears of being insulted or something like this.

“I know. I'm ok.”

She put her hand to my shoulder and led me to the door, then she rang the bell.  
I adjusted my binder and my chemise once again, hoping that I didn't look too stiff but also not too lazy and overall, I had to look like a guy.  
The door was opened by a man in his mid-thirties, about the same age as Slide had been.

“Come in. You must be Astolfo Granatum and I assume this is your foster mother Lacie Baskerville?”

I nodded and he reached out his hand to take mine.  
We shook hands.

He had called me Astolfo. I'd be alright.

“I just have to go back to my other client for ten more minutes, you can sit down in the room on the left.”  
Lacie and I nodded in sync and walked to the room to sit down there.  
I opened the door and just stared at the man sitting there in complete shock.

It had been two months since I had last seen him. But I had only seen him with a white coat that doctors always wore.  
I had never seen him in a pullover and I had also never seen him with jeans.  
That looked so strange.

He smiled at me and I cracked a smile back at him.

“Uh.. hi”, I said and sat down on a chair near to him, Lacie right next to me.  
Slide. Slide, right here, oh my god, in jeans and a Levi's pullover.  
My mind really wasn't able to process this properly.

“Hi, Astolfo! Say, how have you been?”

Two months. I was already out of that clinic for two months by now and I hadn't smoked weed up until now.  
I was pretty much sure I was going to relapse sooner or later anyways.  
But I had handled that once, I was going to handle it once more.

“Uh... pretty good I'd say. Except that I had two wait two months for this appointment.”

Slide laughed out.

“Oh, Astolfo, usually people have to wait at least a year for an appointment, so hey. Don't complain.”

I just realized once again that I really liked this man. He was just... so normal. Even though he was a therapist, he was so normal and so kind.

“I know. Are you here with your daughter?”

Slide nodded.

“Usually my wife comes here with her because I'm at work almost all the time, but I took a day off for this. She needs support. Also from her father.”

Why wasn't Slide my biological father, seriously? I loved that guy and his daughter could be so happy about having a father like this.

“How about Noé and you? Any progress there?”

Shit, what did he even think? He was still officially my therapist, he should not be asking me about this.  
But well... it was Slide, so I didn't really care either way. I wasn't embarrassed to talk about that with him.

“Nope, not at all. We meet up once a week though. But I don't think it'll ever be this way. I'm ok with that. It's alright to only have him as a friend.”

Slide nodded and smiled.

“You've gotten a lot more mature, Astolfo. How many months ago did I meet you?”

I had been in there for seven months and out of there for two months.

“Nine months ago. I'm turning seventeen in not even half a year.”

I still didn't get the fact that I was almost seventeen. Seventeen.  
Seventeen was the age when I would be treated as an adult concerning hormone therapy and all those other matters.  
Five months until I could get my hormones. Only five months.  
Ok, and waiting for an appointment, but well, that was... it could take so long.

“Yeah. You've really gotten a lot more mature during that time.”

I smiled.

Yes. Maybe I'd be mature enough for Noé one day.  
Not yet, probably.  
Ah, shit.

“What's your daughter's name anyways?”

“Lily”, he said and smiled, “she wanted us to choose it and it was my idea. She didn't want to make a decision like this herself.”

“She was bullied, right?”, I muttered, “how's it now?”

Slide sighed and shook his head in desperation.

“It's just getting worse. We're trying to get her into a new school. How about you, Astolfo? Have you picked up school again?”

He was obviously trying to distract himself, so I'd play along to please him.  
He had distracted me often enough, too.

“No, not yet. I'm getting in in two weeks though in the hope that my grades are good enough to pass my GCSE's. I mean, only four months left until them.”

“You promised me to pass, Astolfo.”

I raised my hands and Slide laughed out.

“That's a promise I'd like you to keep. Also... school will distract you from everything else going on.”

From the cravings, he had wanted to say, I knew it.  
I nodded.

“I know.”

“Dad, I'm back!”, I heard a voice and seriously, I almost said that Slide's daughter was blessed because she sounded like a girl and she was a girl, unlike older trans girls or trans boys.  
The kid appeared in the door frame. Her hair was extremely orange and her eyes were extremely blue.  
She would be so beautiful when she grew up and she would never have the problem of her voice not fitting herself if she started taking hormone blockers.

I envied her. I really did.

“Hi!”, she casually said to me and Slide grabbed her jacket to give it to her.

“Lily, that's Astolfo. I've told you about him, didn't I?”

She nodded and reached her hand out for mine.  
I took it and oh god, it was so much smaller than mine was.  
And a little sweaty.

“I'm Astolfo”, I said, “nice to meet you.”

“Dad told me you were an addict. You don't look like one.”

“Lily”, Slide said and I just had to laugh.

“I hear this a lot.”

“Astolfo, Miss Baskerville, are you two coming?”

I looked over to the other therapist and Lily was already waving at me.

“Bye! I'll probably see you again soon! Can I have your number then?”

I grinned at her, nodded, then I followed the therapist.

“I'm Mister Jones, by the way. But you two probably know this already.”

I nodded and sat down in front of him, Lacie next to me.

“Hi, Astolfo. Can you just summarize why you're here?”

I sighed. I hated this. I hated talking about myself like this to people I didn't know. Slide was ok. Seriously, Slide was ok because he was kind, but I didn't know shit about Jones.

“I'm trans and I want hormones and top surgery because otherwise I'll start weed again or kill myself.”

Lacie and Jones both stared at me in shock.

“What? It's the truth. I can't go on like that.”

Jones shook his head in complete desperation.

“Yeah, yeah, alright. You're turning seventeen in a few months anyways, so you don't have to wait too long.”

I nodded. 

“I know and that's good because I really can't stand this shit anymore.”

“It'll be ok. I'm on your side. You wouldn't be here if you weren't serious about this anyways. If you don't say that you like being a girl, I'll write you the letter for the hormone replacement therapy anyways, so hey, be positive about that.”

Ok. I loved that guy as much as I loved Slide.


	24. HOLD ON - 3

Chapter 3

When we stepped out of the door, I stretched because shit, my back was aching so much it was insane.

“Astolfo!”, someone screamed and I was completely shocked.

I stared into his direction and he ran over to me and pulled me into his arms.

“Noé, what the fuck are you doing here?”, I said and I was sure that he wanted to hug me to death. Seriously, his grasp was so fierce, I barely got any air right now.

“Lacie told me you would be here and you know, I live here, so I thought you may as well could visit me.”

Wait. Visit Noé? At home? Oh dear god, how was I supposed to do this? Alright, Louis and Domi would probably also be there, so it didn't really matter.  
We wouldn't be alone, ha.

“And how am I supposed to go home? There are barely any trains or buses going to that village of yours.”

Noé put his hand into his pocket and pulled something out of it.  
I stared at it in shock.  
It was a keyring with the key for a car on it.

“I finally have my driver's license. You know, usually I'm not allowed to drive until I'm clean for one year, but Domi has contacts and... anyways, this doesn't matter, I am allowed to drive again so I can drive you home.”

I couldn't stop staring anymore. Noé and driving? He had never mentioned that he had a driver's license.

“A-alright”, I said and threw my arms into the air, “then you'll drive me home.”

“Alright, until later, then?”, Lacie said, grinned at me very creepily and disappeared into the crowd of people visiting the market.

I hated that she knew that I was in love with him, seriously.  
It had been nine months now. Nine goddamn months and that shit was still not over.  
He smiled at me and oh god, oh god, I would die.

“The car's right there, come on”, he said and I followed him through the crowd.  
Seriously, me, alone with Noé, in a car. What, why, how was I going to survive?  
He held the door open for me. Oh god, this whole thing felt like a date, but I knew that it wasn't.

“Are you ok, Astolfo?”

Shit, he could see right through me, as always. I needed lie.

“Yeah I'm just nervous because I had that appointment you know and that makes me get cravings, but I'm ok, really.”

He didn't say anything and just walked around the car to sit down on the driver's seat.

“Astolfo, you know that you can talk to me, right?”

I looked him in the eyes, trying not to get lost in them. They were just so beautiful.

“Yes. I know. Like I said, it's just a craving.”

And that wasn't necessarily a lie, I had cravings practically all the time. I didn't know how I hadn't relapsed until now.  
He put his hand onto my shoulder and stroked it with his thumb. Shit, shit, I loved him so much I wanted to die.

“You know that you can call me any time, right? No matter what it is. I'm doing courses for drug counselling, Astolfo and you know that. I can help you.”

“Yes, ok, Noé, I understood”, I answered and didn't even try to hide the angry tone in my voice.

I was on edge because of him and because of those stupid cravings, shit.  
He shook his head and then started the car.  
We stayed silent the whole drive, it was extremely awkward. I had ruined it.

“Sorry”, I mumbled when he held the door open for me again.  
He locked the car and smiled again.

“Don't worry. It was my fault. I know about your temper. I shouldn't have... worried about you this much. You're almost seventeen after all. It's just that... I don't want to see you cry like back then anymore, you know?”

He was too kind, too fucking kind.

“Yes, alright. Sorry. Really. I... didn't mean to lash out.”

“I'm already used to this, Astolfo.” And then he chuckled. I felt myself blush and just fled towards the door of the house he lived in.

“Do you guys have a flat or this whole house?”, I asked, trying to distract him from the former topic. We really didn't need to talk about addiction now.

“The whole house. It's actually our grandpa's, you know, Louis' and Domi's whole family is super rich so that house is ours, but we don't get financial aid apart from that.”

I nodded and stepped in when he unlocked the door to it and the first thing I heard was a meow.

“Murr is probably hungry, Louis and Domi are always too lazy to give him food, I swear to god.”

Noé walked in and a cat immediately jumped him.  
He was just a huge white ball of fluff.  
I knelt down and as soon as he let go of Noé, I pulled him towards me and he didn't even protest.  
He just gave in and oh, he was exactly as soft as he looked.

“Seriously, Astolfo, as soon as you get hormones, he'll hate you. He doesn't like testosterone smell I guess, he attacks every damn guy I know, so usually he only allows Domi to cuddle him.”

I had to grin and stroked his belly absentmindedly.

“Then I'll reconsider taking hormones, just for this cat. He's so cute, seriously, Noé, Lacie and Levi don't have a cat and I really hate it! Otherwise... Alice would probably try to eat it, so there's no use for that anyways.”

Noé chuckled and our hands touched when he leaned down to also pet his cat.  
I pulled mine back immediately. I didn't want to feel this. I just didn't want to, I couldn't bear that love for him anymore.

“Something's wrong with you. It feels as if... I'm not allowed to, like... touch you anymore?”

It sounded more like a question to me than anything else.

“I was never... good with touching to begin with”, I murmured and Murr tapped onto my legs to lay down.

“You slept in my arms, Astolfo.”

“Except for that...”, I sighed and grinned at him, to assure him that I was in fact, ok.  
Which I was not, but hey.

“Alright. I won't ask anymore and assume that you will talk to me when you want to talk to me.”

I nodded and pulled Murr up with me. He snuggled himself into my arms.

“Yep. Anyways, can we go like, out of the hallway? Because that's... to be blunt... it's cold.”

“That was a very, very bad pun”, Noé said and pointed to the stairs that were leading up to a door.  
We climbed them and I was just laughing at my own joke, even though I had not intended it to be a joke in first place, but now it just sounded perfect to me.

He held another fucking door open to me and I stepped in.  
Oh my god, it smelled like cake.

“Louis, did you bake something or am I completely stupid?”

Noé pulled off his shoes and I just kind of did the same. I was pretty much sure that it wasn't disturbing him.  
Louis walked towards us and held up a muffin.

“I made muffins. As usual, Domi didn't want to help. But she would have ruined them anyways. So it's alright. They are more eatable than yours anyways. You two want one?”

Noé immediately lit up like a goddamn Christmas tree and Louis threw his arms into the air.

“Why did I even ask?”

We followed him to the kitchen. This whole house was rather small, but the three seemed to be getting along good, so of course it wasn't a problem.  
Levi's and Lacie's flat had lots of space though and honestly, I didn't want to know how much they paid for it every month.

But it was nice here.  
I really could imagine living here, but well, that wouldn't happen.  
Louis got us both a muffin and sat down with us.

“Long time no see, Astolfo”, he said and I nodded.

“Yep.”

I didn't really know what else to say, really. I barely knew this man. But shit, even though he looked so different than Noé, he was also hot.

Everyone was just so damn hot, and then there was me, well, shit.  
There was an awkward silence. Well, shit, what was I supposed to talk about anyways? 

“You two look so awkward that I'm starting to think that you're trying to tell me that you're a couple.”

I stared at Louis in complete shock and shit, my cheeks were burning.  
I didn't even dare to look at Noé like this because holy damn, no, I did not want him to see this.  
Louis kept grinning at me and I wanted to die.

“Louis, can you please stop making those assumptions...?”, Noé hissed, “sooner or later Domi will adapt them and then Astolfo can't come over anymore without being shoved into me.”

His voice was quiet, actually. But I knew that he was suppressing an emotion, or maybe even more than one.  
Well, if he was really used to this already, then... I could understand that.

“Alright, alright, Noé... we will talk later though.”

“I do not think we will, Louis”, Noé said, biting his lip and I just really wanted to laugh, but I suppressed it.  
Louis cocked his eyebrow and now it was over for me.

“This is worse than my sisters, oh my god”, I said, “they're also trying to tell each other that they're in love with people, even if they're not. And it goes on and on like this. I'm too young for him, Louis.”

I had learned to hide my emotions. Yes, Slide. That was still what people would describe as 'more mature'. I just didn't know if I liked it or not.

“You're sixteen”, Louis laughed, “that's not really too young. My first girlfriend was three years older than me, so what?”

“Oh my god, can we please stop that conversation right here?”, Noé whispered and Domi entered.  
I was still feeling so hurt and Noé was seriously pissed and this was so, so funny to see.

“Hi!”, she said, waved, grabbed a muffin and also sat down.

“So, back to the question”, I said and for a moment, Noé looked shocked, but when I continued, he calmed down, “how is Jeanne doing?”

Domi shrugged.

“She moved out one month ago but I haven't heard from her for one week now. Which is really sad. But well, she's probably really stressed."

“I'm worried though. I'll try to call her later”, Louis said and for a moment I was trying to imagine him with Jeanne, but then I remembered that Jeanne was a lesbian. Well, wouldn't work, duh.  
But Domi. Oh, Jeanne and Domi would make a good pair.  
That would be my new ship, Domi...Jeanne. Yes, yes, Domijeanne was good.

“No, I'll do that.”

Oh, thanks, Domi, more shipping fuel added to my ship.  
Maybe I should stop thinking about this.

“Anyways, we'll leave you alone then. After all Noé hasn't gotten him for talking with us, huh?”

Louis got up and Domi winked at me, then followed her brother.

“They really do ship us, huh?”, I asked and Noé smiled faintly.

“Yes. And they keep doing it with every single one of my friends and it's really embarrassing. Otherwise... they just want me to be happy, so I shouldn't complain all too much.”

He took another muffin and bit into it.

“They really do taste better than mine.”

“I've never even tried to cook or bake because I know it'd be a disaster”, I exclaimed and leaned back into the chair.

“Oh my, they really should stop shipping us, we would be such disaster gays and just order pizza or sushi all the time because we wouldn't even manage two-minute noodles.”

I felt a smile on my face and when I tried to suppress it, it barely worked.

“I can perfectly imagine that, oh my god.”


	25. HOLD ON - 4

Chapter 4

“Bye then, huh?”, Noé said and pulled me into a quick hug, but he let go right after he had even patted my back.

“No, uh, it's ok if you hug me, Noé”, I stuttered, “I just... sometimes I like touches and sometimes I do not. I'm sorry for being this complicated.”

Noé shook his head and smiled.

“It's ok. Don't worry, Astolfo. But you can tell me what you want, you know?”

Ah, really? Should I just tell him that I wanted him to kiss me or what? Surely not. Welp, maybe I'd just kiss him one day, no matter what he said.  
It was Noé. I would just brush it off as a kiss of friendship and it would be alright.

“Ok, I want a hug, then”, I said and he pressed myself against him, and shit, shit, I just wanted him to love me and to... love me in... another way.  
Ok, no, I should shove that thought away. That was not going to happen. Of course it wasn't. I could probably send Noé a nude and he wouldn't know what I wanted.

I had to laugh at that thought and he stroked my back.

His chest was so warm and so comfortable and I just wanted to sleep on it once again.  
One day I would.  
Or not. Probably not.  
I only let go of him when my fingers started freezing.

“Alright, I'll go in, then. See you!”

I waved, took out the key and opened the door.  
He waved back and sat down into his car.  
I stepped inside and my heart immediately calmed down. It beat slower and finally it reached a normal rate again. I fucking hated this. I really wasn't used to calming down in a normal way. Even though I've been clean for such a long time, I still wanted to use weed to calm down. And shit, I could really use a smoke right now.

“I'm home”, I said and just heard Levi grumbling tiredly. Well, it was ten. Of course Alice and Alyss were already in their beds and Lacie probably too. Levi slept on the sofa a lot because he was too tired to go to bed.

That guy didn't make any sense, but well.

That craving was harder than it was supposed to be.

I didn't want to wake him up though. It'd be ok.

I was almost seventeen.  
I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed, brushed my teeth, changed into my pajamas.  
It didn't leave. Of course not.

Apparently it wasn't enough that I was trans, no. I needed to fucking have a craving too. My god.  
I walked into my bedroom and closed the door. I had weed for one joint hidden in my wardrobe and I knew that and I hated myself for it, but that was... it was originally for smoking one last time. 

Maybe with Noé. To say goodbye to that drug.

But would I really be able to do that or would I just completely relapse?

Why the fuck had I even bought that in first place, had I gone completely stupid or what?  
Shit, shit, it was right there. I shouldn't do it.  
I really shouldn't. Everyone would just be disappointed in me.  
But on the other side... smoking once didn't mean I'd get addicted again. It would be just once, after all.

Alright. The quickest way to get over with that craving and go to sleep would be smoking that joint. Or maybe only half of it. That would suffice.

I wasn't getting addicted again. I wasn't going to seriously relapse. I'd just... smoke so that that craving would go so that I could sleep.

Right.

It was only to finally sleep. I was tired after all.

I opened the wardrobe door as quietly as I could, my fingers were trembling, itching for that fucking joint, I couldn't stand it anymore.

I knew exactly where it was. I grabbed the paper, the lighter and the little package of weed. Ok. Just this one time.

I opened the package and almost spilled some, then I quickly rolled the joint with half of the weed, put the package back to where it was and closed the wardrobe.  
I would just have to hide this from Lacie and Levi, so I walked over to the window.

The cold air of the night hit me and seriously, if I didn't have a fucking joint in my left hand, it'd be enough to make the craving go away.

I put the fire of the lighter to the joint and then I put it into my mouth and hastily sucked in that sweet fucking smoke.

Oh god, shit, I was so needy it was insane.  
Like last time, it didn't take long to actually feel the effect. My body wasn't used to it anymore, but everything about that still felt so familiar.

I just kept looking outside for a while, just smoking that fucking joint, trying to get even higher but it wasn't possible with only that little weed I had had in there.  
But it was enough for now.

I put the remainings of the joint into the wardrobe into that package so that it wouldn't smell.  
Oh god, I had missed that feeling. I really had.

The only annoying thing about joints was that they made you horny and I really had to give it my everything to not call Noé right here and there or to call someone else.

I just had to pay attention that nobody heard me. The window was still open.  
I didn't want anyone to find out that I had gotten high once again.  
But it was only this time, after all.

I knew myself and I also knew that it'd become more.


	26. HOLD ON - 5

Chapter 5

Three months had passed. Three whole fucking months in which I had gotten addicted again and somehow I absolutely hated myself for it. Levi and Lacie hadn't noticed it yet, luckily. My gender therapist also hadn't noticed it and when I had my appointment with Slide I had lied that someone at school had given me a weed brownie and I had eaten it without knowing.

Sure, as if I wouldn't smell the fucking weed in a fucking brownie.

I hated that I had relapsed. I had promised Noé not to. I had told Vanitas that I would be trying my best and here I was, higher than my therapist's expectations of me.

Shit.

My mobile let out a sound and I stared at the display. It was night and the display was too fucking bright to my eyes, I didn't know if it was because everything else was dark or because I was high.  
It was Noé, once again.

I tapped the chat and looked at the new message.

'I'm still worrying about you. Anyways, if you want to know what happened today, I finally got a job in a small rehab house near the train station where addicts come to us to get their methadone and go into withdrawal alone, without a rehab center. I miss you.'

I hadn't answered him in three months. And every day he sent me those messages, wouldn't let go of me, even if it would be so much better for both of us.

I had relapsed. I kept smoking weed. I hadn't deserved him.

And there was the possibility that he might relapse, too, I really wasn't good for him. I did nothing good whatsoever.  
Shit. I stared at the message, contemplating whether I should finally answer or not, but I would probably not answer because I hadn't answered him in three whole months.

I shouldn't answer him, I should probably block him. I tapped the button to block him, but couldn't bring myself to tap 'yes'.

I couldn't.

I loved him, I loved him more than I had ever loved someone.

My fingers began trembling and even though I was high, even though I was fucking high, I began crying because I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take being apart from him, but on the other side I just absolutely didn't deserve it.  
I didn't deserve to be with him, I didn't fucking deserve to love him.

For half an hour I kept scrolling through the chat, quietly sobbing into my hand.

And it wasn't only the fact that I didn't deserve contact to Noé, if my therapist found out, he wouldn't write me the T letter.

And I needed that, I couldn't bear it, I really couldn't.

Seeing my breasts and overall, my body was what caused me to be high in first place, but if I got T, I wouldn't get high in first place.  
And for getting T, I needed to be clean.

Two more months. Just two more months until I could get it, two more months to stay clean.  
Out of a reflex, I stood up.

I needed to tell them. I couldn't do that alone. Not again.

I couldn't go into withdrawal again, but at the same time I needed to and I hated it. I didn't want to feel sick again.  
I wouldn't be able to do that.  
But I needed to.

I slowly walked over to Lacie's and Levi's bedroom, kind of glad that I wasn't too high right now.  
I needed them to go through that again.  
I knocked on the door and waited for a response and after a few seconds, Lacie opened the door, still in her pajamas.

“Astolfo?”, she asked and I couldn't bear it anymore. The tears began running down my cheeks again, I sobbed once again and after a moment Lacie had pulled me into her arms.

“I'm sorry”, I sobbed and clang to her like a little child clang to his mother and she just held me.  
She didn't answer, she was waiting for me to say something else besides 'I'm sorry'.

“I...”, I breathed in and sobbed and clawed my fingers into her t-shirt, “I've lied. Noé and I didn't have an argument. I don't deserve to see him anymore...!”

“Ssssh...”, she stroked my back and slowly let go of me, “sit down first, yeah?”

I nodded and she led me to the bed and made me sit down. Levi was also awake by now and handed me a tissue.  
I stared at it, but didn't use it. It wouldn't be any use to wipe my tears away when they didn't stop.  
Lacie's hand was still on my shoulder and still, she wasn't saying anything.

“I've started again”, I whispered and she pulled me close again.

She was the mother I had never had before, she was more a parent to me than my original parents were.  
She just let me cry into her shoulder for ten minutes until I finally stopped.

“And now?”, she whispered and stroked through my hair, still holding me, “we won't tell the therapist about it of course. I know that you need that, don't worry.”

I nodded and she pushed me away a little.

“How long, Astolfo?”

“Three months”, I answered, not being able to look at her though.  
Lacie sucked in a breath.

“Shit, that's long and we haven't noticed at all.”

“My parents never noticed”, I said, “I'm an addict. I can hide being high.”

I managed to look into her face again and everything I saw there was a tiny smile.

“That's true. But... you have to stop, Astolfo. I can't guarantee that Jones won't realize. And after all... you were fine without it. And you'll be fine without it again. You've already done that once. You can do it again, Astolfo, I believe in you.”

I could only nod.

“When do you want me to... stop?”, I breathed out and I couldn't even deal with the thought.

“It's your decision”, Levi said and shit, I loved both of them so much.

“In the morning, if it's... ok. I'll... smoke... one last time. If it's ok.”

Lacie put her hand to my cheek and made me look at her.  
Her eyes looked so kind.

“Listen, Astolfo. We're here for you. We know what we signed up for. We know what we did when we took you in. We knew about all the risks and everything. Don't worry too much, yeah? You'll be fine. We'll be fine. I'll call the school tomorrow to tell them you've caught a flu or something like that. It'll be alright. I'll call in sick at work too, then I'm here for you. And you know what you do now? You're gonna call him.”

I immediately shook my head and let out another sob.

“He'll be so disappointed, I... I can't...!”

“You need him for this and you know it”, she whispered and now I nodded.

“Can... can you, please...?”

Lacie whispered a quiet 'yes' and I handed my mobile to her after tapping on the contact.  
It was a long time until he finally picked up.

“Astolfo?”, he said and at the sound of his voice I started crying again.  
Levi kept petting my back.

“It's me, Lacie. He doesn't dare talk to you. He... he thinks he doesn't deserve it.”

I sobbed into my hand again and Levi handed me another tissue even though I didn't even use the first one.

“That's bullshit.”

I had never heard Noé using that word ever before.

“He relapsed. He didn't text you back because he relapsed three months ago, Noé.”

“I'm coming over.”

And with that, he just hung up.

It was two in the morning. He wasn't seriously coming over now, was he?  
I started trembling and Lacie stood up from the bed again.

“Come on, Astolfo. We'll sit down in the living room, ok? We'll just wake up Alice and Alyss and they have school tomorrow.”

I nodded and let myself be picked up by her.

I was having a panic attack. Because of Noé. Because I didn't deserve him at all. I didn't deserve to see him at all, I had relapsed and he was coming over and I couldn't.  
I wouldn't be able to look at him, I knew it.

Shit.

 

When the door bell rang, my wish to just die got even worse.

“I'm opening”, Levi said and stood up.

I stayed here, on the sofa, sitting, exactly like this. I wouldn't stand up. I wouldn't go to him.  
At the same time, everything inside of me just yearned for him to pull me into his arms, yearned for his touches and his warmth.

When the door was closed, there was another pair of steps.

“C'mon, Levi, we're going to leave them alone for a bit.”

And with that, Levi and Lacie left and we were alone.

“Hey.”

No hey. I didn't want to.  
I almost sobbed at his voice, but held back. Somehow.  
I didn't know how I actually managed it though.  
I heard him coming nearer and then he was standing right in front of me.

“Please, please look at me.”

I couldn't. I couldn't look at him. He was there.  
Noé was right there, in front of me.

“Astolfo.”

His voice broke away and then he just picked me up and even though I struggled, he held me in his arms and after some minutes, I finally let loose.

The tears came back and I sobbed and screamed into his chest, sucking in his smell which was so much better than the smell of weed, taking in the warmth radiating from his skin below the pullover, I kept clinging to him until I couldn't feel my arms or hands anymore and I was trembling.  
He kept quiet and just let me stay like this, in his arms, right there.  
I loved him. I loved him so much. He buried his nose in my hair and stroked my back so gently that I thought I might die right here.

“Don't ever say you don't deserve me, Astolfo. Don't. You deserve everyone in the whole world.”

I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't.

“We'll manage this once again. We'll manage. I- We can do this.”

I shook my head against the soft cloth of the pullover and he grabbed my face with both of his hands, but I struggled out of the grasp. It just made me want to kiss him.  
He put them onto my shoulder again.

“Astolfo. We'll manage. We've both managed that. You're going to be clean and in a few months you're going to take your testosterone and you'll become a super handsome man, ok? Look forward to that.”

“But I-”

“No. You're going to look super handsome and you're going to survive that withdrawal, trust me. You'll be completely fine. I promise.”

“But I broke the promise”, I whispered and Noé shook his head in desperation.

“I know, but it doesn't matter if you keep it from now on. Will you promise me once again?”

I shook my head into his chest and he sighed.

“Ok. That's alright, Astolfo. It's ok, really.”

We looked at each other and he smiled.

“It's ok. You want to smoke a last time?”

I shrugged and he chuckled.

“With me, I mean? I'd do it, you know, if it helps you... to say good-bye, forever.”

He held out his hand for mine and I took it, blinking away tears.

“I'll take you up on that offer”, I stuttered and he laughed out.

“I thought so. Better go and tell Levi and Lacie, hm? We'll stay in your room though. I really don't want to be high in front of them, obviously.”

I nodded and let go of his hand as if it was a hot potato to walk over to Lacie and Levi in the kitchen.

“I'm... going to smoke a last time with... him, ok? We'll stay in my room though.”

“I hope you have condoms.”

“Levi!”, I screamed and cringed at that comment. It wasn't as if that had to happen. Ok, ok, I had fucked with someone while being high and when nobody else was there... well. But seriously, that was Noé.

He'd probably not do that.

“I'm sure Astolfo has something like that-”

“Hey, can you two maybe shut up?”, I whimmered and Lacie laughed out loud.

“Ok, ok, but now honestly, we don't need you pregnant. Take care. And if you do something, do it quietly-”

“Lacie...”, I hissed and she patted my shoulder.

“Yes, alright. Go to him. Come back down when you two aren't high anymore though. I need to know what you need, then.”

I nodded and wanted to go, but then I turned around in the door and breathed in heavily.

“Thanks, mom, dad”, I whispered and went to Noé without even wanting to see their reactions.  
But it was true for me. They were my parents now.


	27. HOLD ON - 6

Chapter 6

“Ok, so where's the stuff?”, Noé asked as soon as I had closed the door I raised my hand.

“Ok, wait a moment. Are we really going to smoke weed, right here, right now? Am I going to get high with the king of withdrawal?”

Slide had said that I could perfectly turn into the king of withdrawal, but I hadn't. Noé had, though.

“And do you actually want this or not?”

Noé took my hand again.

“Look at me. Don't I look like a stoner to you?”

“Shit, you're right. You look like one, ok, come here.”

I grabbed the weed and gave it to him.

“That's everything that's left anyways but we won't need it, it's too much anyways.”

Noé laughed out and stroked my hand with my thumb.

“I maybe wasn't addicted as long as you were, but I sure as hell know that that's not a dose anyone should do. Like, I did. Louis thought I was dead. I was just sitting in that corner of my room looking as if I had died from shock, so hey, won't be too bad.”

We sat down on my bed and rolled the joints carefully and Noé seemed to be a little unsure.  
Yes, he hadn't done it too often after leaving the rehab center.

“Slide would be so damn disappointed in me, I swear to god”, Noé said and he was still holding my hand.  
Just like he had always done.

“Also, uhm... you know what happened with that guy almost three years ago”, I said and felt my cheeks become insanely red, “if I try anything strange, just uh... keep me off of you or something like that. Sorry in advance. I mean, I- I just hope you won't, uh...”

“Take advantage of you? Oh hell no. I would never do that while being high because you know, I'm high and I mean, I can control myself and I... never did that anyways, so... yes. You're safe with me.”

“Thanks. That... means a lot, really. I regret everything about back then.”

I wouldn't regret it with Noé anyways, but hey, better not tell him that, huh?

“Hand over the lighter”, he said instead of answering and I grinned at him.

“Oh my god, Noé, seriously? Do you want it that badly?”

“I just want to be high with you for once, ok? I would have never admitted that though but... let's do that and say goodbye to that part of our life, hm?”

I nodded and put the lighter into his hand.  
The whole room already smelled of weed.  
I watched Noé put the joint to his mouth and shit, oh my god, that looked seriously hot, he threw his head back a little, stroking through his hair and he didn't give me the lighter up until he had taken in like five breaths.

“That's some really good stuff”, he breathed out and coughed slightly and shit, I would get high with Noé.

Hastily, I put the lighter to my own joint.  
It took us about ten minutes until we were finished with smoking our joints and after that we just sat there, completely high.

“Astolfo, where did you get that stuff?”

“Not telling”, I mumbled, only slightly recalling why I didn't want him to start again.

“Shithead”, he mumbled back and I just let out a super high sounding chuckle.

“Surprise, I'm not horny for once, nice.”

Noé stared at me in shock but immediately began laughing after the shock started to fade.  
I fell back onto the bed and laid there, staring at him.  
I knew that he looked hot, alright. But when being high, he looked even hotter.

“You seriously get horny every time or what?”

“Often”, I said and pulled him down to me, so that I could bury my face in his shoulder. I wanted to cuddle. He was so warm and I just wanted to be warm too.  
He put his arms around me and we stayed like this, just quietly being high and snuggling and shit, that was so comfortable.  
I had never been that comfortable.

“Astolfo?”

“Hm?”

“You smell good.”

I giggled and tapped his chin with my finger.

“I smell like fucking weed, of course you consider that good.”

He took my finger into his hand and just held my finger. He didn't even hold my hand, just my index finger.

“No, seriously. Not weed. Like strawberry. Or some other fruit. You smell good.”

“Dickhead”, I said, “that's embarrassing.”

I was blushing by now, I felt it and shit, shit, I wanted to kiss him because he was so warm.  
Oh god, just making out with Noé while being high would be my fucking dream and it would be perfect.

“No, Astolfo, no horny today”, I whispered to myself and apparently that was so funny to Noé that he kept laughing for a full fifteen minutes and somewhere along the way I had joined in and his laughter was so beautiful that I wanted to die.

It would be so perfect if I died right here, seriously.

“No horny for you, sorry. We're out of horny, may I sell you something else?”, Noé suddenly asked and I had already forgotten the context for the whole horny thing, but damn, I would buy things from Noé.

“Everything you have, Monsieur. A pillar, maybe? I'll call it my pillar of justice and it'll be a replacement for the dick I have and it's actually not a pillar but some kind of sex toy.”

“I said no horny. Buy something else. I have Astolfos to sell.”

“Wait. You want to sell myself to... myself. Doesn't that make no sense?”

I couldn't really tell whether that made sense or not, sadly.

“Well, it does. If you pay five euros for you, to me... then I'll have five euros and I can buy myself an own Astolfo for five euros.”

“Makes sense, but the UK doesn't even have the euro.”

“Doesn't matter, dude, we have the Euro.”

I stared into his eyes and closed them then.  
My whole mind worked so, so slowly I didn't even know what to do, but closing them seemed appropriate somehow.

“I forgot”, I answered and curled up against him, breathing in his smell and he also smelled good.  
I loved him so much.  
Should I tell him?

Probably not.

 

It took us a lot more time to hit the comedown and when it did hit us, we just stayed like this.

“I feel like shit”, he whispered and raked his own hand through his hair.

“Same though. What was it about buying Astolfos anyways?”

“Don't even ask”, he muttered, “we were fucking high and you were close to being horny again.”

I laughed out at that even though I silently wanted to cry.

“Shit, I remember.”

I stroked though my own hair, trying to rearrange it.

“Anyways, I'm hungry. I should eat while I still can.”

I didn't want to admit that I was super afraid of feeling sick again. But on the other side... we had pills against sickness in the house, so I could take one of them if it happened again.

“True. You can do that, I believe in you. You're strong enough even for a second time. I know this, I really do.”

“Thanks for doing this with me again”, I whispered and Noé put his hand to my head and played with my hair.

“It's ok. I have to go to my first day of work on Wednesday though, if it's ok.”

I nodded.

“Stand up, I'm hungry”, I said and yawned. At least I'd be able to sleep later on when the withdrawal started.  
Noé stood up with me in his arms because I was still lying around on him after all.

“What time is it anyways?”, he asked and looked over to the clock in my room.

“It's five. Five in the goddamn morning oh my god. Astolfo, we have to sleep on if it's ok. You know, before you get thrown into withdrawal again. We know how that ended the last time.”

I sighed and let go of him. Oh god, I only noticed now how warm I was because of Noé.  
Shit.

“I know. Food, now and nothing then for the rest of the day. I really don't want to get sick again.”

“No, you need to eat. I know you have a phobia, but really, you'll survive it if you throw up one time. If you even do so, probably not.”

He reached out his hand for me but I looked away until he retreated it. I couldn't do this. I couldn't.

“You don't know how it feels to have a phobia”, I said and he nodded.

“Yeah, you're right there. But I know no one who died of throwing up. And I know it's disgusting at least. But I'm not really afraid of it.”

“Well, damn, Noé, guess what, I am!”

He laughed out and patted my shoulder, then he led me to the door.

“You wanted to eat something, right? Then let's go downstairs.”


	28. HOLD ON - 7

Chapter 7

Everything about this felt like a Déja-vu.

I woke up, feeling like complete shit, but this time Noé wasn't laying in another bed, but right next to me.  
I pressed his hand and he immediately opened his eyes. Hadn't he slept at all?

“I'm sick”, I said and tears immediately filled my eyes again. I couldn't stand this.  
I couldn't go through this another time. Not again.  
Noé slowly stroked away my tears and pressed my hand.

“Do you want to stand up?”

I shrugged, not wanting to move, every time I even breathed in I only felt sicker and sicker and my whole stomach ached.  
And in the same moment I gagged, while laying on my bed. Was that even possible? I didn't know.

“Ok, c'mon, I'll help you up. Or do you have a bucket?”

I shook my head and gagged again, swallowing down the bile scratching my throat.

I began trembling and sweating and Noé heaved me up from the bed, supporting me, but his hand was on my stomach so I snatched it away.

When I gagged again, my hand immediately clasped my mouth and tears were in my eyes at the sharp taste of bile reaching my mouth.  
I'd die. I'd die right here, right now, right fucking now.

“It's going to be alright, we'll just get you to the toilet, ok?”

I tried breathing in calmer, but it just sent a sharp pain through my body.

I was pretty sure that it had to hurt how tightly I was holding onto his hand, my other hand kept scratching my leg all the time, I didn't care if it'd be sore later, I needed to distract myself somehow.  
I barely made it to the toilet before I slumped down in front of it because of a cramp and not only a second later I wasn't able to hold it back anymore.

Noé held back my hair with one hand and with the other hand he kept stroking my back when I threw up into the toilet.

My hands were clinging to the toilet seat, clawing into it, my whole body screamed to just run away, but I couldn't run away because I was throwing up.

The taste was so fucking disgusting and everything about this was disgusting and my shirt was clinging to my body by now, soaked with sweat, my hands kept slipping off the toilet seat because they were so sweaty, but they were also so so cold and I could barely feel them in first place.

“It's ok”, he kept whispering, running his fingers over my back, and oh, oh, how much I wanted to believe him.

I wanted to die. I'd rather die than throw up another time.

“Noé”, I heaved and held up my hand, my fingers were clinging to each other and my whole hand was cramping and I looked at it, it scared me. 

It scared me what this fear did to my body.

I let out a sob and gagged at that again, I wasn't even resisting anymore by now.  
Noé was still holding my hand, tears were running out of my eyes without a stop, Noé took my hand and forced my fingers away from each other and that calmed me a little at least.

He intertwined our fingers and it hurt a little because his hand was so much bigger than mine, but it helped.  
My whole body suddenly rose up and I threw up another time.

This would be over soon. It would be over soon. I knew it. It would be over soon.

I could hear the door being opened in the moment Noé flushed the toilet and a little bit of water hit my face.  
This would be over soon.

“Lacie, do you have any pills against sickness? At least for when he's stopped. Taking it and throwing it up wouldn't help.”

I heard footsteps.  
This would be over soon.  
My whole body hurt, every muscle felt sore, my stomach was still in pain but it had gotten a lot better.

“Hey, Astolfo, you're doing really well. I'm proud.”

“Don't... say that...”, I gasped, swallowing every few seconds in the hope to keep everything else down.

“No. You're so brave for doing this another time. You're so brave, Astolfo.”

I cracked a grin, knowing that he couldn't see it.

“Asshole”, I muttered and Lacie finally arrived in the door.  
My whole mouth tasted like vomit and I hated it.

“Lean back, come on”, Noé whispered and I just slumped into his arms, he slowly put his arms around me.  
I was shivering, I only noticed it now.

“Here is the pill. Do you think you can drink a little?”, she asked, kneeling down In front of me and I just shrugged.

“Don't know...”

I was so done with my life. So done. I just wanted to get out of this room and into my bed but I didn't want to sleep in case I had to throw up again.  
I could feel that my body was feeling a lot better though. I was exhausted, but the cramps had lessened a lot and I wasn't feeling that sick anymore.  
That meant I wouldn't need to throw up another time.  
I reached out for the glass, but my fingers were trembling so hard that Noé took it for me.

“Can you take the pill yourself?”, he asked and I put it between my index finger and my thumb and it worked.  
I nodded, put it inside of my mouth and he put the glass to my lips and I slightly tilted my hand to get some water.  
I didn't have the power to do much more. I was still crying, but I didn't know how because I was too exhausted for it.

“I feel disgusting”, I mumbled and Lacie stroked my hair.

“We could clean you up a little. And you should brush your teeth, come on.”

I nodded and Noé helped me stand up.  
Lacie prepared the toothbrush with toothpaste and I cleaned them two times until the taste was totally gone.  
This had been hell. It was over now though. How had I even survived this?

“I'll get fresh clothes, yeah?”

I nodded and with that, Lacie left to my room.

“Can you please open the window, Noé?”

“It's cold.”

“Please.”

“Ok.”

He let go of me and I was grabbing the sink to hold myself up.  
I looked like fucking shit. 

The cold air helped me a lot. My cramps were gone now. Finally.

He came over to me right in the moment Lacie entered.  
She put the clothes onto the now closed toilet and held a towel below the water to make it wet.

“Shouldn't I better go outside...?”, Noé asked and I just shook my head.

“I honestly don't care if you see me naked. It's not me anyways. And I... I can't...”

Noé seemed to understand that I would be better if he was here. I needed him.

“Ok, I'll stay.”

I hoped that my smile was enough of a thanks for him.  
Lacie helped me to get out of my pajamas and my top. I kept on my boxers of course because well, that should not be taken off in front of Noé. Not in this situation at least.  
I was still trembling a lot even when I sat down on the rim of bathtub.

When I looked down my body, I just blinked and blinked and then the tears were streaming down my face again.

“Astolfo. You're so much stronger than anybody I've ever met”, Noé said and Lacie began cleaning the sweat off of my skin with the towel and a little soap. Noé had already closed the window, but where my skin was wet I felt incredibly cold. I looked at him but he didn't look at me.

Well as long as this wasn't my body it really didn't matter to me. I knew that he would still see me as a guy anyways.  
It was Noé after all.  
It was so annoying that I loved him, seriously.  
But I just loved him so much.

“Seriously. You're strong. And I like that.”

I felt myself blush and Lacie was grinning at me.

“Thanks”, I mumbled and Lacie dried me off with the dry side of the towel, then handed me a new shirt for sleeping.

I put it on and straightened it a little.  
I was so done, so exhausted and I still hadn't stopped crying.

The thought that I had thrown up looked so unreal because I was wearing new clothes and my mouth tasted like mint and there was no other evidence here, but I knew that it hadn't been a dream.  
I really didn't know how I had managed to survive that.

Noé walked over to me now and sat down next to me, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me towards him. I sighed into his shoulder, sucking in his breath and it calmed me enough to finally stop crying.

“You're turning seventeen in a month, Astolfo. Let's party then, hm?”

I chuckled and put my arms around him.

“I'm so glad to have you back.”

“You deserve me, you see? You've gotten through your worst fear. I don't ever want to hear that you don't deserve something.”

“I'm afraid to fall back asleep.”

“You're better already, you won't suddenly feel worse again, Astolfo. You need sleep, really. Come on, put on your pants and we'll go back to your room.”

Lacie knelt down in front of me again and put her hands to my knees.

“I wouldn't ever have dreamed that I would ever have such a strong and handsome son.”

And that brought the tears back. I let go of Noé and knelt down in front of her too to hug her.   
Those two were the best persons I had ever met in my whole life and I loved them both so much.  
I loved them.

“Don't cry.”

She buried her hands in my hair.

“I was so happy when you called me 'mom', Astolfo. I was so happy. And now go to your bed, hm? You need to sleep. You're completely exhausted. If you ever need something, I'm here for you. Send Noé or come by yourself, ok?”

I nodded and she let go.

“Come on, now, you look terribly tired”, Noé said, I smiled at Lacie and he more or less carried me to bed and I fell onto it, done with my whole fucking life.

Noé climbed into it and grabbed the blanket to pull it up to us.

“Are you better now?”

“Yeah. It was horrible though. I'm glad it's over. So glad. I couldn't have done it another time.”

“You're so brave, Astolfo. So brave.”

He searched for my hand and grabbed it.

“And Lacie's right. You don't even need testosterone to be handsome.”

If that wasn't Noé, I'd be sure that he was having a crush on me, but that was Noé. Domi could send him a nude and he'd just text back that she was beautiful, seriously.  
I felt the pill kick in slowly and again, it made me unbelievably tired.  
I put my other hand to his too and closed my eyes.

“Good night, Astolfo.”

“We need a nickname, that's way too long.”

“Olf?”

“I'd rather kill myself than hear that one more time.”


	29. HOLD ON - 8

Chapter 8

“How are you?”

Alyss sat down next to me and put the tea into my trembling hands.

“Honest answer or not?”

“Honest. Man, I've watched Elfenlied and Banana Fish, I can take the truth.”

“Wait, wait, wait. You should NOT have watched those animes, Alyss! Really not!”

Holy shit, that kid, I could swear to god that she'd become really creepy when she grew up and that was something I was afraid of.

“Yeah, yeah, I know”, she rolled her eyes and grinned then, “now, how are you? Olf?”

“Shit, I absolutely hate Noé for everything he has ever done in his whole life.”

She chuckled and took a sip from her own tea.  
Lacie, Levi and Alice were shopping, so we were completely alone, but I was fine enough to be alone and I had promised Lacie thousands of times that I wouldn't go out and buy weed.  
After all Alyss was here and I was very aware of the fact that she was really, really intelligent.  
And that she would know what was up.

“Don't lie, you don't hate him.”

I took a sip from the tea. The warmth was good.  
Alyss cuddled up to me and I let her. I was ok with her touching me. We had somehow grown really close in that time and seriously, she was more of sister than my other sister had ever been.

“I know, shit.”

“But seriously, are you better now? At least a little?”

I ruffled her hair and rested my hand on her shoulder.

“Yeah, I am. And I promise you, now, that I'll never do any stupid ass drug ever again.”

“That's cool. When will you... you know, be back to normal?”

I took another sip from the tea.

“In a few days. Except for the sleeping problems, but it's not like my sleeping habits had ever been healthy anyways.”

She chuckled and hugged me closer.

“But uh... you and Noé, you, you know... you two seem totally, uhm... not like friends, if you know what I mean.”

“No, I do not know what you mean.”

I knew exactly what she meant, but hey, what else could I do? I would not tell this kid about my crush.

“You guys are in love.”

I froze and placed the tea on the table to not spill it.

“It's not like it's requited anyways”, I sighed and she immediately stared at me, her eyes big.

“So you ARE in love with him after all?”

“Yeah, keep quie-”

“Awwwww, my brother is in looooove!”, she sang and grinned at me and that grin, that grin really scared me.

“Yes, ok, ok, ok, maybe I am, ok? Keep quiet in front of Noé though. He doesn't need to know that.”

“But why are you so sure that he doesn't like you? I mean, to me it seems like it! It absolutely does!”

Why was I even talking to her about it?

“He acts like this with everyone, so that's absolutely no proof.”

“Well, then I'm going to ask him!”

“You are not-”

And then the doorbell rang and she stood up and ran towards the door.

“Hey!”, she said when Noé stepped in and she grinned at me and then at him and I just kind of wanted to die right here, right now.

“Hi”, Noé answered and blinked at me, seemingly confused about her being that enthusiastic.

“Noé, can I ask you something?”

“Uh, sure-”

“Noé, no, don't let her ask you, she ships us and it's really scary how much she ships us.”

Alyss grumbled something and pouted.

“Aww, it's ok, don't worry, Domi and Louis ship us too”, he said and also ruffled her hair.

“Then there's gotta be a reason behind it!”

Noé and I both sighed and shook our head and I was just hoping that he was buying that from me, ha, shit.  
Because shit, yes, there was a reason.

“Alyss, don't you want to continue watching anime you shouldn't watch?”

She grinned at me, held her thumb up and went upstairs then.

“She's cool, but really a pain in the ass sometimes”, I said as a rather strange apology, but Noé took it like that.

“Don't worry, I'm used to being shipped with people”, he said and sat down onto the sofa, right next to me, so that we were touching.

“How are you feeling?”

I shrugged and took the tea into my hands again to continue drinking it.

“Well, I'm having cravings all the time, but I'm kind of used to that already. I'm just so super tired, I don't know how to stand through another day without sleep. I really don't know.”

I wanted to sleep in his arms again, but he couldn't stay here, I knew this.

“How was your first day at work though?”, I asked, trying to distract me from how much I loved this man. It was so embarrassing. Every damn thought about that was just so embarrassing.  
And he immediately lighted up and smiled from ear to ear.  
Oh god, I wanted to be able to ask this every day, just to see him smile like this.

“Amazing! Sure, I wasn't allowed to do a lot up till now, but all my coworkers are really nice and all the patients are also really kind like, they immediately introduced themselves and I handed out their methadone which was prepared by someone else because you know, I'm not allowed to do this because I'm not like, a pharmacologist, and guess who I met?”

I raised my eyebrow because I was too lazy to ask him.

“Slide! He's going to work there too! Because of his daughter, that's honestly so cute! He says that he'll still earn enough money there, so he can spend more time with her! It's so cool, my former therapist is going to be my co-worker in two weeks.”

I just laughed so hard because seriously, that was such a huge ass coincidence and I couldn't believe that that was true. Noé just suddenly working together with his former therapist was so, so good.

“Did you tell him about me?”

Noé shook his head.

“No, I don't want to put your hormone therapy into danger! You could tell him after you get the hormones though, I mean, no one can hurt you then. They can't just take you off them then.”

“Noé? You going against something called 'law'? That's... unexpected.”

“I'm not an asshole, Astolfo.”

“I know, dude.”

I yawned and I couldn't protest when he pulled me back onto the sofa with him. I just loved him so much I couldn't fucking bear it anymore.  
He pulled me close and I laughed into his chest, burying my head in it.  
Seriously. I had to tell him. After my birthday I would.

“You're still trembling a lot. Isn't it getting better?”

I sighed and smiled, hoping that he wouldn't see it.

“Little by little, but that's enough. Now let me sleep.”

“Are you seriously tired enough for this?”

I shrugged and closed my eyes. I felt safe lying like this. I felt so safe, with him. I didn't need to be tired. I just wanted to lay around like this.

“Don't need to sleep, but I need to fucking rest.”

“Ok, then fucking rest”, he laughed and hugged me even more tightly. 

 

“Hey.”

Someone kept touching my shoulder and I grumbled and opened my eyes.

“It's dinner time, you two.”

Wait. Had I slept? Oh god, I had slept.

I sat up, escaping Noé's grasp.

“I'm not a fucking teddy bear, Noé.”

He mumbled something incoherent and tried to pull me back, but I shoved him away.

“Stand up, it's seven. I'm hungry, actually.”

“Oh shit, I told Domi and Louis that I'd be back for dinner! I'm going to uhm, leave, or-”

And right in this moment, the nyan cat song started coming right from Noé's phone.

“You fucking furry...”, I sighed and he grinned, then picked up the call.

“Domi, I'm really sorry, I fell asleep at Astolfo's, I can come home.”

She answered something and he frowned.

“Alright, alright, if you mean it...”

I only heard Domi laugh now.  
Noé buried his face in his free hand.

“Yes, fuck, I know, ok? See you later then.”

He put the mobile back into his pocket and Levi just grinned at me.

“Levi, can't you just stop?”, I hissed and he shook his head, laughing, then he disappeared into the kitchen.

“I can stay over for dinner, Louis made too much anyways, so we can still eat that tomorrow.”

“Alright, then.”

Oh no, he'd be even longer around me which meant that there was an even higher chance of Alyss telling him things he should not know.


	30. HOLD ON - 9

Chapter 9

Seventeen. I was seventeen years old. God, I was young.

But even though I was young, I never had had any real youth because I fucking hated myself.  
My youth had begun at the age of sixteen, when I had finally come out.  
Even everybody at school accepted me. Ok, except for some guys, but as if I cared.  
The door was opened and the light from the hallway flooded my room.  
The only thing I could do was to cover my eyes and turn away from it.

“It's your birthday!”

And I grumbled even more at that voice. Alice. If she jumped on me, I would...  
She jumped on me.

“Let me sleep”, I mumbled and tried to shove her of my bed, but I didn't get her to leave, she just slipped below my blanket and fell asleep right again.  
Great. Now I had less space, but at least she wouldn't try to wake me up once more.  
I lazily put my arm around her and closed my eyes.

I just wanted to sleep for all of my seventeenth birthday, seriously. Sleeping was great.  
After a fucking second withdrawal, sleep was the best thing ever.

“Hey, Astolfo, wake up.”

I immediately jolted up and stared at him standing in my fucking door.

“What the hecking fuck are you doing here, Noé?”

He walked over to me and ruffled Alice's hair, then mine.  
The girl woke up and stared at him too.

“Noé! You're here! Are you going to drive us to school?”

“It's Sunday, you freak”, I laughed and Alice stood up and jumped around and cheered that she wouldn't have to go to school today.

“I haven't even showered and my hair must look terrible, so go... please...”

Noé raised his eyebrow and smiled.

“You hair's short now. When did you cut it?”

“Yesterday.”

I sat up properly and tried to get my hair straight.

“It suits you really well.”

Alyss, who was suddenly in the door frame, grinned and I showed her my tongue, which just made her grin even harder.

“Thanks. Anyways, let me get up. I need a shower. And some personal space.”

Noé grinned now and helped me to get up.  
It was strange to not wake up in his arms though.

“Ok, get your personal space then.”

I lightly hit his arm and proceeded down to the shower.

 

When I got out, I walked straight towards the kitchen for breakfast and honestly, I didn't know how they had organized that.  
Louis and Domi were sitting there, right next to Noé, playing tic-tac-toe with Alice and Alyss.

Noé stood up and he practically ran towards me and hugged me.

“Happy birthday!”, he said and I helplessly patted his back, looking at Louis and Domi who were grinning at us and I hated them for that.  
Seriously, what the fuck.

“Thanks”, I said and was kind of happy when he let go of me. I couldn't do this in front of everyone, not when fucking everyone in the whole room was staring at us.  
Domi and Louis also hugged me and finally let me sit down on the table. Next to Noé, of course.

“When's your appointment with your therapist?”, he asked and smiled at me and I smiled back, only to earn another fucking grin from Levi now.

“Tomorrow. He'll give me the letter. Then I can make an appointment there. I'll probably get the T on the second appointment though.”

“But that's great! I'm really wondering how you're going to look then!”

“Really handsome!”, Alyss said and I had to cringe, but she was just too cute, so whatever, I could deal with it, “he's going to be real boyfriend material!”

“Alyss, what the fuck?”, I simply said and Noé swallowed.

“Uh. Ok, I guess”, he answered and I shook my head in desperation.

“Don't listen to her. I'd really like to become super hot though.”

Domi laughed out loud at that only now I noticed how her hands were trembling slightly. I raised my eyebrow at her and she glanced at Noé.

“It's his damn fault”, she hissed and Noé glared back at her.

“It's your own fault, Domi. I don't know why you started again.”

“Because it makes literally no difference, lol.”

Oh god, Domi was also one of those people who said 'lol' out loud.

“Ok, wait, I know this doesn't really fit the topic, but doesn't Lacie somehow look like Domi's and Louis' mother or am I completely nuts?”, I said and Noé immediately stared at his siblings, then back.

“Holy shit.”

 

Domi had somehow brought me outside with the excuse of 'I need to tell Astolfo something you guys are not allowed to hear' and I swear to god, fucking nobody had believed that in first place.

“What's it now, hm? You want to kill me?”

She grinned at me and took a package of cigarettes out of her pocket.

“You want one?”

I shrugged, remembering that one time when Vanitas had given one to me, then I took one without even asking for permission once more.

“Give me the lighter, will you?”, I asked now and she did.

We just stood there, quietly smoking next to each other as if we had done that thousands of times.  
When my cig was finished, I threw it onto the floor and stepped on it.  
Domi took out another one for herself.  
I didn't really know whether I liked smoking nicotine or not, really. It tasted too extreme.  
And I was not sure if I should pick up another addictive behaviour.

“So, what did you get me for?”, I sighed and stared at the floor, not wanting to face her.

“I wanted to talk. About Noé. Are you going to tell him?”

Oh no. Not this topic

“I don't really know why I should answer to be honest.”

“I want him to be happy.”

“Well, shit, do you even know if he's going to be happy with me or not?”

Domi laughed out and kept laughing for a while.

“To be honest I have no damn idea. I'd say yes, he likes you, but on the other side Noé acts like this around fucking everyone, so it's not like I'm sure either.”

“If I'm not sure that he likes me back, I'm not going to.”

She sighed and looked at me. I saw it from the corner of my eye, but I kept looking away.

“I thought the same about Jeanne. And then she suddenly cut off every contact possible. I don't know what to do to be honest. I miss her every fucking single day but... I'm too afraid to actually call her. Not that she'd pick up anyways. So... you should try, Astolfo.”

I shook my head and stared at the cigarettes on the floor.

“I can't. I don't know how. I can't say it out loud. I'm just so afraid that he'll... reject me or... act as if he likes me back so that I'm not sad but... I can't. I simply can't, Domi.”

She put her hand to my shoulder and patted it.

“Don't you want to be in a relationship with him?”

“Fuck, of course!”, I laughed out and blinked away the tears flowing my eyes, “I tried it already, once. I couldn't get over with it.”

“You love him for more than a damn year now, Astolfo. Come on. There's nothing to really lose.”

Nothing to lose.  
Funny.  
I could lose him if it went wrong.  
And I couldn't bear that.  
I could not bear to lose Noé.

“Vanitas told me... to tell him too. I knew that when I met him... You know, I was only fifteen and now I'm seventeen. So... yes. I think... well, Vanitas told me that I was too young. But now I don't think I am. Sure, he's twenty-one... but...”, I wildly gesticulated with my hands, “I don't know. I just think that I'm old enough. That girl in my class has a boyfriend who's twenty-two, so it's not like it's uncommon.”

Domi nodded.

“Yeah. And you have the chance. Jeanne... I don't even know where she is anymore. I don't know if she's even alive anymore. It pisses me off. I just... I miss her.”

She took out a third cig and I didn't even want to question anymore.

“Ok. I'll... try. I'll try, ok? I'll try to tell him. When are Louis and you out of the house? I want to be alone with him at least.”

“Actually... tomorrow”, she said and laughed out, “I have an appointment with Miller and Louis has to drive me... the appointment is at five in the evening so we'll leave at about four.”

I nodded and reached out my hand to her and she stared at me in confusion.

“I need another cig for that.”


	31. Hold on - 10

Chapter 10

My fingers were trembling extremely hard. I didn't know how to press that stupid ass bell.  
In the end I just punched it in the hope that it would ring.  
And yes. After a few seconds, there was someone going down the stairs and he opened the door and stared at me.

“Astolfo?”

I sighed, trying to calm down. But I didn't. Of course I didn't.  
I was going to fucking confess my love. Shit, now I really felt like a stupid teenager.

“Yeah.”

Even my fucking voice was trembling.

“Hey, hey, are you ok?”

“We need to talk”, I whispered and he held the door open for me.

I walked in and when I walked up the stairs, my freaking legs gave in and he caught me in his arms and carried me the rest of the way towards his bed.  
I breathed in a few times, shakily, he kept staring at me.

“I'm getting you some water. You're terribly pale.”

I nodded, waiting for him.

I could do this. I knew I could. I had to.

“Here”, he said when he returned and handed me the glass of water.

I had to grab it tightly so that it wouldn't fall in my trembling hands. This was the worst feeling I had ever had and I should have smoked weed before this, seriously.  
Ok there wouldn't have been a guarantee that I would have remembered the purpose of coming here.  
And overall, I couldn't relapse again.

He sat down next to me, but he didn't touch me and I didn't really know if that was good or not. I didn't know if it would help me or not.

“What are you here for, hm? And do Lacie and Levi know or...?”

I took a sip of water and put it down onto his nightstand then.

“Yes, they do. Don't worry. I just... you remember... Vanitas?”

Noé laughed out, sorrow covering that laugh so that it sounded more like a sob than like a laugh.

“How could I ever forget that fucking dickhead?”

“True. He was the first one to make you say those words. Anyways... the night before he left... when I cried. You also remember that?”

Noé nodded, looking down at his hands, smiling slightly.

“The whole time in the clinic seems so far away though.”

I wanted to lean against him, but I kept resisting the urge. I couldn't do this. If I touched him, I would start crying and I knew that.

“Yes, it really does. Anyways... during that night... I cried because of him. He got me in the room and we went outside.”

Noé wanted to say something, but I raised my hand.

“Please let me finish. I don't know if I'm able to do this anyways. So please. Please just don't interrupt.”

He nodded, placing his hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off.  
I couldn't handle his touches right now.

“We talked. He was the one I tried to promise not to relapse in the first place. It wasn't you, nor Jeanne. I... I knew what he was going to do. I knew that he was going to commit suicide, but I didn't stop them. And you know why I didn't? Because I fucking understood him. I knew how he felt. Ok, no. I didn't. He was probably a lot more miserable than I was, but you know how I mean that. We talked a lot. We talked about everything possible. I don't know, our parents and so on. And... when he wrote those personal messages... I lied to you guys. He didn't say that I wouldn't relapse.”

I felt the tears stinging in my eyes, but I couldn't start crying now. I had to concentrate. I had to concentrate on this now. I didn't want to look weak in front of Noé either.  
Not once again.

“I think... he knew that I would. And... the message he wrote for me... was that I have to tell you something.”

I grabbed the sheets of his bed and breathed in.

“This... is something important. And if you hate me, I... I want to say that I won't forgive you, but I probably will anyways, so it doesn't really matter.”

I couldn't stop the tears anymore.  
They kept running down my cheeks, into the sheets, into the cloth of my jeans.

“I... this is also the reason why Gerbel knew how to shatter me and that's... I don't want you to hate me.”

I opened my mouth to say it, but I ended up only saying the 'I'm'.  
I couldn't do more.  
The words were stuck in my throat, they didn't want to leave, didn't really want to be told.  
It would be fine just like that. If we kept going just like that.  
But now I had started. Now I could finish.

“I can't say it. Can I write it down?”

He nodded and handed me a pen and a piece of paper.  
I wrote the words, not knowing if he would be able to read that ugly writing, I wrote them slowly, my tears dropped onto the piece of paper.

'I'm in love with you.'

I handed it to him and stood up almost immediately after it. I couldn't look at him.  
He knew now. He knew it.

Noé knew that I loved him now.

“Oh.”

Shit. That was not a good reaction.

I waited for him to say more, to act somehow, but nothing happened. I didn't hear him move. He didn't say anything.  
This was the worst possible reaction.

“I'm leaving”, I pressed out and ran towards the toilet to at least wash my face quickly.  
I dried it off with my sleeves, gulping down every tear that was trying to leave my eyes.  
I stepped back into his room, avoiding every contact with him, be it physical contact or the simple meeting of our eyes.

I grabbed my rucksack, put it over my shoulder and stormed off.

He didn't even follow me. He didn't even do anything to stop me.  
I would never fucking try talking to him ever again.  
Asshole. He was such a fucking asshole.

I closed the door behind me and then I ran towards the bus stop and luckily, oh god damn, luckily it was already there.  
I wouldn't have been able to deal with standing around waiting. After all he could find me.  
As soon as I sat down next to an old lady, I grabbed my mobile and dialed Lacie's number.

“And? How did it go?”

“I'm coming home. Can you pick me up at the bus st-”

And then I just sobbed. The sobs shook me more than the gagging had shaken me when I had thrown up just a month ago.

“I'll pick you up, don't worry. As soon as we're home, I can make you a tea and we can talk. Do you want to keep talking to me like that or...?”

I shook my head, only to realize that she could not see that.

“No. Everyone's staring. I'm trying to keep calm. Please don't worry. I won't do anything stupid. Please.”

“Sssh, I believe you, Astolfo. I believe you. See you in twenty-five minutes, hm?  
”  
“Yes. Thanks, mom. Thanks.”

I hung up and the old lady was looking at me.

“Are you ok? Who hurt you so much?”

Her voice was quiet and extremely kind and then I just spilled over. It wasn't interest in her voice. It was simple sympathy. I couldn't keep everything inside of me anymore. I simply couldn't.

“My... a... a friend of mine and... well, it's obvious what he did, huh? He fucking rejected me. I confessed my goddamn love and the only thing he said was 'oh'.”

She put her hand to my arm and smiled. She just kept smiling.

“No man is allowed to hurt such a beautiful girl.”

I turned away.

“I'm a guy”, I whispered and I expected her to retreat her hand, but she kept stroking my arm.

“No man is allowed to hurt such a handsome man.”

“Thanks”, I said, looking at her again.

“It's just that... I... I finally was able to tell him and I was almost sure that he... that he loves me... back, but apparently he doesn't and... it just hurts so much.”

Oh yes. And how fucking much it hurt. My heart was burning, my stomach cramped, my whole damn face hurt.

“Do you need a tissue?”

Her voice calmed me down so much it was insane.

I shook my head.

“I have tissues myself. You don't have to give me one.”

I opened my rucksack and instead of the package of tissues, there was a piece of paper.

“What the fuck is this?”, I mumbled and pulled it out and I didn't really know whether I should read this or not.  
But it was Noé's handwriting.

“He wrote this. I... I'll read it.”

The old lady nodded and I breathed out, then I started reading.

'Dear Astolfo,  
I don't think that I'm going to keep this letter anyways. I'll probably throw it away right after writing it, even if I'm satisfied with it.  
I can't do this in person because I've never done this before. I'm usually good at saying what I want to say, but I know I'd just stutter.  
I don't even know when all of that started. I know it didn't start exactly after meeting you. But I noticed it. Yesterday. I didn't want to believe it at first.  
I didn't think it would feel like this. It's just that... every time I see you, my heart beats so fast. And I didn't know why. And I just want to be near to you. And it hurts. It hurts because I don't think you feel the same. It hurts because I think even if you feel the same, you wouldn't say it because you would be afraid to get hurt.  
But there is no need for you to be afraid. You're handsome. You're the most handsome guy I've ever seen to be honest. I have never told you that I absolutely love your eyes, have I? One day I will. No matter what you say, I swear to god. One day I'll tell you that I love you to the moon and back.  
This sounds stupid and cheesy, but it's how it is. I think I'm in love with you. I dreamed that I kissed you. I haven't told Domi or Louis. I can't tell them. They'll just think I'm strange because you're sixteen.'

How old was this letter?

'If absolutely nothing helps, I'll tell you when you're eighteen. I don't know. Society's a weird thing. But well. I know many people who aren't eighteen and who are in a relationship with someone who's eighteen.  
That's not it.  
I'm just afraid of getting rejected. I'm afraid of getting rejected by the man I love. And it's stupid. Because I know that the world could go on without you.  
But I can't. I'm not the world. I need you and it hurts.  
I will probably throw this away.  
Sincerely,  
Noé.'

“Idiot”, I muttered, sobbing again, “why didn't he just say anything?”

The old lady took my rucksack from my legs and closed it, I got up and she pressed it into my hands.

“Good luck”, she said and gave me my rucksack and when the bus reached the next stop, I got out of it and ran to the bus going back to Noé, luckily it was also there.  
I had never had such good luck with buses, really.  
I dialed Lacie's number again.

“Yes?”

“It's me”, I said and I noticed how weak my voice sounded. It was terrible, really.

“Shall I pick you up somewhere?”

“No. That idiot put a letter into my rucksack. I swear to god, he's such an idiot, Lacie. I'm going back to him.”

“Alright. I can pick you up there tomorrow though.”

“Thanks.”

 

I rang the bell once again.  
He opened the door.  
The first thing I noticed was that his hair was completely tousled as if he had slept and his eyes were incredibly red.  
He had cried, hadn't he?

I was still holding the letter in my hand and without another thought I threw it at him.  
Tears flooded my eyes, hot and so overwhelming that they left my eyes right after.

“Why didn't you just say it to my fucking face, you coward?”

He just stared at me for a few seconds and suddenly his eyes started to glitter, I held my heavy breathing and when the first tear left his eyes, my heart just broke and my body acted on its own.  
This was the first time I was ever seeing him cry and I absolutely couldn't stand this.

It hurt.

I had always been the one to cry. I had always been the one who had needed to be consoled.  
But now it was Noé. For the first time ever.

I walked up to him and just pulled him into my arms, I buried my hand in the soft, white strands of his hair.  
He put his whole weight onto me and I could barely hold him because damn, he was heavy, but it didn't matter.

“Ssh...”, I said when he began weeping, I loved him, he loved me, all of that was too much for me to comprehend.

But I loved him. So I had to take care of him.

He clung to me and cried as if he was a little kid, as if he had seen a chocolate in a super market but didn't get it.  
He pressed his forehead to my shoulder.

“Hey, let's go to your room, ok?”, I whispered, “let's sit down somewhere. You're heavy. And when sitting, we can cuddle better.”

He let go really, really slowly, I took his hands and entwined our fingers, slowly leading him up the stairs and into his room.  
I couldn't look at him though. I wasn't ready to see his crying face, really.  
As soon as we reached his bed, I made him sit down and looked at him now.

His eyes were incredibly red and his fingertips kept trembling.  
I knelt down in front of him, put our hands to his knees and smiled.

“I won't take back what I said. You're a coward.”

He grabbed my hands tighter, so I stroked them with my thumbs, trying to calm him down

“But if you want to, you... uhm... you can be my coward, you know?”

He made a noise which was a strange mixture of a sob and an extremely cute chuckle.

“I'd... gladly be your coward”, he said and his voice sounded so rough that it made my heart just melt even more.  
Why was he so goddamn cute? Seriously. I couldn't deal with this.

“I sat on that bus and cried my eyes out, Noé. Why didn't you just tell me when I was there? Shit, you broke my heart.”

“Come here”, he muttered, “I need to... be close to you. Please.”

I nodded, slipped off my shoes and he leaned against the headboard of his bed and I sat down on his lap so that I could be at least a little taller than him.  
I could feel his breath hitching in his throat when I took his face into my hands.

“Stop crying, ok?”

I wiped away his tears and he suddenly grabbed my hands, but he let them stay there.

“Is this real, Astolfo? Or is that another dream? This is just another dream, right? I'll wake up soon and you're not going to be here when I wake up.”

“Bullshit”, I whispered and pulled him closer to me, so close that I could feel his breath on my skin.  
My heartbeat sped up, my fingers began trembling below his, he was looking into my eyes and I had to do that now. Really.

“I can prove that it's not a dream.”

He chuckled again, clearly knowing what I was up to.

“Then just do it, Astolfo.”

The way he pronounced my name sent shivers down my spine.  
And that was enough for me.  
Honestly, I wanted to hold back, I wanted to kiss him tenderly and slowly, but this year had wrecked me. This love had destroyed me.

I breathed in and out another time and then I crashed my lips into his, our teeth clicked against each other but as if I cared.

As if I cared.

His lips were so incredibly soft and I didn't know whether I should make his first kiss a full-on tongue kiss or not, but I wanted it so much. I wanted to feel him now.

I licked his lips and felt myself blush a lot now. I didn't know how he would respond. He was extremely hesitant at first, but then he carefully opened up a little.

My whole body was reacting. Not in the way it did when I smoked weed, but in a way only Noé could cause me to be.

I melted into his arms that were around me suddenly, cradling me as if I was his everything and he kept kissing me back.

I felt so safe. So safe, just for now, finally.

No one could hurt me now, not anymore. I had Noé. I had him, fully.  
He tasted better than weed. He just tasted so much more better.

No one could hurt this between us. This bond we shared.  
He only let go of me after minutes, to catch his breath.  
He stared at me, his eyes wide open and his cheeks extremely red.

“Damn”, he said and I didn't know if he was smiling or if that smile was a grin, “where did you learn this?”

I shrugged.

“Random guys when high. But they... have never... they have never caused me to feel like this.”

My whole body was tingling, my cheeks were extremely warm and overall I just... I loved him.  
I began crying again and he kissed away my tears, his lips kept touching my skin again and again, I buried my hand in his hair again.

“I'm so sorry that you felt like shit because of me. I couldn't say it, I don't know why. I was shocked. I thought that it was a dream, Astolfo, I didn't think that you would actually... like me back, I thought that you would see me... I don't know... not like that.”

I laughed and kissed his lips again, but this time not as hectic. He leaned into the kiss, slowly requiting it.  
When we broke away, he was smiling at me.

“Noé, I can't keep it in anymore”, I said and he put his hands to my cheeks, stroking my hair with his fingertips.  
I had to say it. I had to tell him in person now.

“I love you”, I breathed out and he just kissed me again, tender and my whole heart jumped.   
I couldn't deal with those feelings anymore.

And I couldn't deal with his lips on mine. We were kissing. I was kissing with Noé.  
He let go very slowly and smiled. He smiled so brightly.

“Astolfo”, he whispered, “I love you too.”


	32. HIGH ON LIFE - 1

Chapter 1

Noé was quietly sleeping in my arms, breathing in regularly and I just put my head against his.  
It was so comfortable. Just sleeping with Noé in my arms. 

Ok, I wasn't sleeping, but lying around with him was already enough.  
I could hear someone opening the door to the room, but I couldn't see anything because Noé's shoulders were too broad for that.

“Hey, Louis and I brought Pizza, you two.”

Domi.

Noé grumbled and wanted to lay down onto his back but I immediately stopped him because I didn't want Noé killing me.

“Noé”, I said, “I'm right here, please don't kill me oh my god!”

He was immediately awake.

“Oh god, right!”

He sat up and stared at me, then he put his fingers to his lips and blushed.

“No, wait, that wasn't a dream?”

I lightly hit his hand and smiled at him.

“Shithead. Of course not.”

He put his hand to my cheek and stroked it slowly, forgetting that Domi was in the room, apparently.

“Love birds”, she laughed and cringed, “anyways, the pizza is over in the kitchen, if you want it. We'll start eating.”

“Yeah, we'll come”, I sat, putting my hand to his. His fingers were so warm, this was too perfect. Everything about this was too perfect.

“Uhm... about the age thing”, I muttered, “it... really doesn't... you really don't care? I mean... it's four years.”

“I've thought about this so much. But you're turning eighteen in a year. And it's not like I really act more mature like you”

“Well... I cry more often than you.”

He laughed out and looked into my eyes.

“Listen, Astolfo. Just because you cry more than I do doesn't mean we're really different. I... have never told you... but I was extremely close to relapsing thousands of times. But you were the only one keeping me from that. Because I thought that... I couldn't... relapse because it would make you more insecure and... really. I'm not as strong as you think I am.”

I tried to get closer to him.

“You're the strongest person I've ever seen, Noé.”

I put my hand to his hair once again. It was so soft.

“I'm really not. Honestly. You were the only one keeping me sane, I swear to god. I still have so many cravings. So many I can't even count them. But I haven't smoked when I had a craving. Because I wanted to be strong. For you. I was afraid that you might hate me or something like that.”

Snuggling closer wasn't even possible, so I just pressed my nose into his collarbone.

“I wouldn't hate you. I... those three months without you because I thought that I didn't deserve you. I... I was so glad that you kept texting me. I'm really sorry that I just cut off contact and overall... I did so much shit I'm so sorry. It must have hurt you.”

“It did”, he whispered, but then he suddenly pulled me off the bed and I squealed in surprise, “but now you're here and that's all that matters. I really don't give a single damn about you hurting me. You're here now. With me. Can I hold you in my arms tonight? Like... I always did? I... seriously, Astolfo, you don't even know what you're doing to me with that smile.”

I only realized now that I was smiling.  
Well, shit. I wasn't even embarrassed because of that anymore.

“Alright, then... Mister Boyfriend”, I said and kissed his cheek, Noé smiled, then he looked out of the door.

“Ok, ok, pizza is still more important than you though”, he said and I sighed, going with him. He was right though. Was there anything more important than pizza?

 

Us four had eaten the whole five pizzas. Apparently Domi, Louis and Noé were already used to order one pizza more than usual because they ate so much.

“Oh, now that I think of it, Astolfo, do you have the letter?”, Louis asked me and Noé stared at me in complete shock.

“Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I completely forgot to ask about that! Everything just happened so quickly, oh, sorry!”

Domi patted Noé's back and I grinned.

“It's alright. I got it. I'll call the clinic tomorrow morning to make an appointment. Oh, you people have no idea about how fucking happy I am that I'm finally getting my T, seriously.”

“You deserve it so much believe me”, Domi said, “I mean, you went through withdrawal twice. I tried it four times now and didn't really... succeed.”

“Well, you're only doing it sometimes now. That's a good achievement already!”, Noé said in his super supporting voice and I couldn't help but continue smiling.

“Yeah, sure, sure”, Domi said and looked at her glass of water then.

“I'm really wondering what has happened to Jeanne though. Like... I haven't heard anything from her for how long now? Almost a year? Shit, she could be dead!”

“I'm really wondering where she is. I mean, seriously... that she didn't even call us once”, I said, suddenly extremely depressed. What had become of her? Maybe she really was dead. Maybe she died by an overdose like Vanitas. Maybe she had died in a car accident. Maybe she was back to alcohol. Slide had once told me that the relapse rates of addicts were approximately ninety percent, well, Noé hadn't relapsed, so it was fairly likely that Jeanne was in the ninety percent, together with me.

I looked at my water too now.

“Anyways. Noé, do you have condoms-”

“Why the fuck does everyone keep asking us this very same question?”, I snapped, glaring at Domi and he just kept grinning. I shot a glance at Noé who was completely aghast.

“Because you're a couple?”

“I'm only twenty!”, Noé said, realizing that that age was absolutely appropriate for having sex, “ok, bad argument. We're only a couple for like what? Two hours? And I'm certainly not like that. I mean, sorry Astolfo, but this is too early.”

“No, no, I agree, believe me”, I said and laughed out loud because Domi's grin just widenend.   
She scared me, but I could see that she was genuinely happy for her brother.

“Good. Anyways, can we go back to my room, maybe?”

“Ah yeah, now I made him horny-”

“Domi, this is not the case!”, Noé whimmered and I stood up, still smiling. This smile would never go away, really. Not anymore, not now.

“It's alright, I believe you, Noé, don't worry.”

He laughed and stood up too and we just walked toward his room, he quietly closed the door.

“My god, everyone just keeps saying that we are going to have sex, holy shit, my poor mind.”

He sat down on his bed and buried his face in his hands.

“I've already told you, I wouldn't care if you were asexual, Noé.”

I sat down next to him and leaned against him and soon enough there was an arm around me.

“That's the point, I'm not”, he chuckled and stroked my shoulder.

All of this was too perfect.

“I'm just super easily embarrassed I guess. And also it's none of their business.”

I laughed out and wrapped one of my arms around him too.

“Well, that's true. Lacie and Levi asked me though. Like, I mean, about my certain... acquaintances when I was high. I assured them that the only person I was going to sleep with from now on would be someone I really... love.”

“And you... do that?”

I put my hand to his cheek and looked up at him, smiling, I wanted to kiss him, shit.

“I've told you I do. I mean, hey, don't you believe me or what?”

“What if I said I didn't?”, he whispered, burying his hand in my hair to pull me nearer and I giggled like a complete idiot.

“Then I have to prove it, huh?”

And with that, we just began kissing again. As if we could do anything else after all this time anyways.  
I loved this man more than I could bear and it brought tears to my eyes, made me cry like a little kid once again, but Noé didn't stop, he kept kissing my lips and then my cheeks to catch my tears with his lips.

“Sssssh, Astolfo, sssh, I love you, so much, so much.”

He kissed the tip of my nose and that was what made me stop crying because it was incredibly weird.

“Alright, alright, just never kiss my goddamn nose again.”

Noé laughed and kissed it once more, obviously trying to mock me, but I really didn't care too much about it.  
I deserved him. I knew that now. I deserved this man. I really did.

“Ok, but seriously, Noé, one day we might actually need condoms.”

He shook his head in complete desperation.

“Alright, alright, I'll buy some, just so that everyone is assured they're here and maybe I can slap Domi with one.”

That made me laugh out so hard that I felt like I would die.  
But right now, like this, I'd really not mind dying, in Noé's arms.


End file.
